8 Unscrupulous Ways a Narcissist Controls You Without Your Consent

Once you see it, you have the power to end it…

“You are so controlling.” His words tore at Jen’s* heart.

It felt like her world was spinning out of control, like she was struggling to grab a hold of anything tangible, anything real. The last thing she felt was a sense of control. Yet, here was her husband saying she was controlling. “Could that be true?” she wondered.

As Jen* shared her story, I felt her pain — the agony of her uncertainty. And as with many of my narcissistic abuse recovery clients, she wondered if she were the problem.

She was not.

He’d taken so much control, in so many ways, that she was struggling to gain or maintain control of anything in her life no matter how small. Her desire for control of her life was palpable. It was a symptom of, not a cause for, the dysfunction in their relationship.

The case for unscrupulous control

According to Oxford,

• Unscrupulous means, “having or showing no moral principles; not honest or fair.”
• Control is “the power to direct or influence people’s behavior.”

The person with narcissistic personality disorder, thereafter referred to as a narcissist, influences people using dishonesty and unfairness in these eight ways…

#1 The narcissist controls your ability to choose whether to begin or continue the relationship

To the outside world, love bombing sounds romantic and wonderful. Who wouldn’t want someone to be attentive, giving, complimentary, and thoughtful?

Mistakenly thought of as roses and romantic walks on the beach, love bombing instead is creating the lens for how you see the narcissist. It’s designed to make you believe their persona, the role they play, is real when that is not who they are.

To those who have experienced narcissistic abuse, love bombing is the beginning of the end. Love bombing takes away your ability to discern, to choose whether you want to be in a relationship with this person. Simply put, it takes away your control.

#2 The narcissist controls your behaviors

The narcissist controls your behaviors with their behaviors.

You challenge an obvious lie. They give you the silent treatment. Eventually you choose to overlook their dishonesty.

You confront them with proof of infidelity. They avoid accountability and punish you. You choose to overlook the signs in the future.

You end the relationship. They future-fake you with the promise of a better life. You choose to stay and nothing changes.

You ask them to be accountable for something they’ve done. They gaslight you into believing it never happened, then blame-shift. You end up apologizing.

They put you down. You express your hurt. They respond with “Gosh, you’re so sensitive,” or “Can’t you take a tease?” You learn to ignore the putdowns.

#3 The narcissist controls your boundaries

You ask the narcissist to not rifle through your purse. They go through your purse even more often and more blatantly to receive narcissistic supply when you don’t enforce the boundary you set.

You tell them you need to be in bed by 10 to be well rested for work tomorrow. The narcissist does a variety of things to wake you up repeatedly, so you don’t sleep well.

You state that a topic is off limits. The narcissist brings it up in a public setting to make you uncomfortable.

You state that your relationship is only big enough for the two of you. The narcissist keeps their other relationship and gives you the silent treatment.

Eventually, you learn to stop setting and enforcing boundaries. They’re not honored, they make the narcissist angry, you end up feeling worse than if you’d said nothing at all, and you’ve lost all control over the way you and your things are treated.

#4 The narcissist controls your environmental safety and security

The narcissist takes control of your environment and uses it to devalue you and obtain narcissistic supply by…

• Having people over when you want a quiet night at home,
• Giving others a key,
• Taking or loaning out your things without permission,
• Disrupting your sleep,
• Audio/video recording you in your space,
• Tracking your whereabouts.
• When you are destabilized, you are easier to control.

#5 The narcissist controls your financial stability and security

The narcissist exerts control over your finances commonly in one of two ways.

1. Taking full control of the finances, then not paying household bills, cutting off your credit card, hiding money, and shaming you for any spending

2. Turning over full control of the finances to you, then over-spending, overdrawing accounts, deferring all decisions, then criticizing you about how the state of your finances

Whether it’s witnessing your upset after going to the store only to find your credit card has been canceled, or watching you struggle to pick up extra shifts to cover their overspending, the narcissist is reaping tons of narcissistic supply.

#6 The narcissist controls your relationships with others

It’s much easier for a narcissist to destabilize and control you when they can control the others in your life. They do this in three ways.

A narcissist seeks to isolate you by moving you away from or damaging your relationships with those you love. When you are alone in the world, you have no one to rely on but them.

The narcissist triangulates you with your family, friends, neighbors, even co-workers. They pit you against those that matter in your life, by manipulating both of you into believing something that isn’t true.

Perhaps the most sinister yet subtle tactic is by grooming flying monkeys. Flying monkeys are those that believe the narcissist’s persona and false narrative are real. They also believe whatever the narcissist says about you.

#7 The narcissist controls your relationship with yourself

Narcissistic abuse leads to long lasting after effects, including reduced self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, physical symptoms, and more.

The narcissist uses deflection to dodge accountability for something they’ve done by bringing up something that makes you bad or wrong. You go on the defensive and they’ve just won. They controlled the outcome.

Similarly, the narcissist uses projection to project beliefs, attributes, or behaviors onto you — for example, calling you controlling, when they are controlling.

The narcissist uses gaslighting to destabilize you, to make you unable to trust yourself, to trust your memories, to know what is real.

It’s like someone taking remote access of your computer, without your knowledge or consent.

#8 The narcissist controls your opportunities

The narcissist takes a great deal of control of your current and future opportunities through control of your environment, finances, and beliefs about yourself.

Some, especially covert narcissists, use more subtle strategies.

They sabotage your opportunities by not giving you important messages, injuring you before a big test, or disrupting your sleep before a big presentation.

They undermine your competence with put-downs, lies, and “constructive” criticism.

They tell your boss in confidence that “you’re so stressed lately,” to dissuade your boss from giving you the promotion.

Your opportunities and success threaten the narcissist’s sense of control. They will do anything to mitigate that risk.

Final Thoughts

Whether you’re still in the relationship or have already left, the narcissist is unwilling to give up control. It’s not in their nature. You are still a current or potential source of narcissistic supply.

It is, however, in your power to take control back.

And, no, it doesn’t make you controlling.

*Name changed for privacy

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact survivors break free from the longstanding aftereffects of narcissistic abuse. Access her FREE 5-part Hack the Confidence Rollercoaster Masterclass for a limited time.