How Does a Covert Narcissist Undermine Your Competence?

While making you feel like the narcissist

How can someone so extraordinary, so competent in many ways become insecure and a pawn of a narcissist?

It’s a question that’s hard for anyone who hasn’t experienced it to wrap their head around. “There must be something wrong with the victim. I would never let that happen to me.”

If only that were true.

Covert narcissists are masterful. They undermine your sense of competence while making it look like they are your greatest fan, your biggest supporter.

This tactic is so subtle, executed so masterfully, you can’t put your finger on it. And if you can put your finger on it, the covert narcissist uses plausible deniability.

It’s the perfect setup.

They devalue you while to the outside world, they look like the most supportive, loving person ever. Narcissistic supply x two.

Here’s how the distortion works

Say you’ve been asked to give a big speech at a social event. Your friends and community will be there. It’s a big honor and you’re excited.

As you’re prepping your speech, you share with your covert narcissist partner that you’re uncomfortable getting everyone’s attention. Some people whistle with their fingers and look cool, but for you it always seems awkward.

You feel confident that once the room has quieted and you’re speaking, you’ll relax and enjoy the opportunity.

Your big moment comes. You tap the mic and say, “Can I have everyone’s attention?” The room quiets and your speech goes well. You’re feeling kind of proud of yourself for getting up in front of 1000 people.

After, you ask your partner how it went.

There is a long pause.

Then they use the word, “fine,” or, “okay.”

Now your curiosity is piqued. What did you miss? What did they notice? You grow more and more insecure.

Their comment occupies all your thoughts. You ask for clarification repeatedly.

Your partner says, “Don’t worry about it. You did a great job. Anyone would have been nervous.”

You’re thinking, “What? I didn’t feel nervous. Did I come off as nervous?” You press again. Your partner says, “My only feedback is smile more. Angie thought you looked angry.”

Wait, what? I looked angry? How could that be? You wrack your brains. You practice your delivery in the mirror. You don’t want to look angry when you’re not.

Over the next few days, there are other subtle comments, made to sound supportive.

“Let’s practice getting the room’s attention. Sandra thought you sounded shrill. I know that’s not what you were going for.”

Now you’re thinking, What? I sounded shrill? Oh, my goodness. I guess it didn’t go well at all. How could I have misread my experience?

Several people reach out to congratulate you on your speech. They felt it went really well.

You mention their feedback to your partner. You truly are confused by their contrasting opinions at this point.

Your partner responds, “I shouldn’t have even said anything. You don’t handle constructive criticism well. I was just trying to help.”

What? Am I really not open to feedback?

Next thing you know, you’re reassuring and apologizing to your partner.

A week later, you’re approached about another speaking engagement. You’re honored, delighted, and a little nervous. Your partner gives you a supportive smile and says, “You can always decline if you’re afraid of looking foolish again. You can’t be perfect at everything.”

The reality

You did a great job with the speech.

The covert narcissist is jealous of your extreme competence and your courage to try something new.

Your openness to feedback, self-reflection, and genuine desire to improve (all great qualities), are the perfect setup for your ongoing devaluation.

They also open the door for the covert narcissist to plant seeds of doubt — making you wonder if you’re the narcissist.

Undermining your competence is a subtle, insidious form of gaslighting — sheer mastery demonstrated by the covert narcissist.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: What is Gaslighting? and 8 Ways Covert Narcissists Mess with Your Head

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