What is Gaslighting?
And why it matters to you
Gaslighting is very subtle, very insidious, and is always intentional.
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used by narcissists to gain power and control over their victim by making them question their reality.
So why would someone gaslight you? For one reason alone — to control you. They want to destabilize you, to make you weak, so that they can take control of you. Exerting power and control over you gives them narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic supply is like blood to a vampire or fuel for a race car. It is required for their survival. They will do anything to get it.
Gaslighting distorts your reality. If you haven’t experienced this, it sounds crazy. If you have experienced it, you know it’s crazy-making.
The narcissist uses lying, denial, blame, and deflection to make you question what you know to be true. You question your reality. You question your memories. You are groomed to trust them more than you trust yourself.
Gaslighting is very subtle, very insidious, and is always intentional.
How could you, or anyone for that matter, allow this to happen?
Realize that gaslighting is an extreme form of emotional abuse and is so hidden, not only does the rest of the world not see it, but you don’t see it either. The narcissist is playing a long game. It often goes unnoticed for 10, 20, 30 or more years. All the while, you suffer believing something is wrong with you.
It is imperative that you recognize gaslighting. Why? The effects on the victim are devastating.
Effects of gaslighting
Destabilization makes you feel rattled, off balance, unsure of yourself, and confused by your world. You can not and are not able to respond from a position of strength, because you’re so confused about what’s even happening. Destabilization makes you act from a position of weakness and confusion.
You start to doubt yourself — your beliefs, your feelings, your memories. You no longer know what is true. You feel like something is wrong with you. You feel like you’re going crazy.
Through the gaslighting process, your abuser grooms you into believing that they are the one you should trust. They are the one you should look to for the truth. They are the one that has a clear grasp of reality. And you learn to trust them more than you trust yourself. You trust their version of reality. All the while they grin on the inside about how easy it was to fool you.
Examples of gaslighting
Say you’re talking to your best friend and you say, “Oh, do you remember last week when we were out to coffee and we ran into Steve from high school? It was so great catching up with him.” And your friend says, “What are you talking about? That never happened. I haven’t seen Steve since high school.” And you’re like, “Wait a minute. Let’s back this up. Remember last week? It was last Tuesday. We were at the Starbucks on Main St just before lunch, sitting at the table, and he came up and said, “Hey strangers.”” And she says, “Yeah, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Now you’re really confused, wondering what in the heck is going on here? This is my best friend. Did I dream this? How could I have this very clear memory of something that happened last week and she’s saying it didn’t happen?
And what makes it more confusing is the fact that it’s a minor memory, something rather inconsequential. She has no reason to lie. That alone is destabilizing. It makes you question and doubt yourself because you trust her so deeply.
Now imagine if you and your best friend had run into Steve in a bar. Same conversation. Again, you are completely confused and destabilized by her comment. Then she goes on to say, “Yeah, I think you had a little too much to drink that night.” Now you’re wracking your brains trying to unpack that statement. You remember having two drinks. You remember when you ordered them, what the waitress looked like. You remember everything about that night. Or so you thought. Now you start to wonder. Here your best friend is telling you otherwise.
Another gaslighting approach that a narcissist might use is to gaslight you about your own feelings to avoid taking responsibility. Let’s say you’re working as a supervisor and you need to correct an employee on an aspect of their job. It’s no big deal. You do this all the time. And their mistake is no big deal — you caught it. You want them to know for next time. You walk up to the employee and say, in a very matter of fact, direct, kind, non-triggered way, “Hey Jerry, when you do this task, I need you to do these three steps, so that this part doesn’t need to be redone.” Jerry raises his voice and says, “Why are you so angry? Why are you yelling?” A narcissist is always going to use this tactic in front of other people, because this is a great way to recruit flying monkeys, those people who blindly believe their nonsense. Even though the other employees did not hear you yell and you are not at all angry, the narcissist leads them to believe that you are. That is gaslighting.
Later when Jerry’s in the break room talking to his coworkers, your employees, he says, “Yeah, she’s always so angry. I wish she could just give me feedback in a nice way. I’d be happy to do it differently.” Now he is not only gaslighting his peers, he’s building the support of his flying monkeys. This is known as triangulation. He’s making them think poorly of you. In reality, none of it is real, because you were never angry. You didn’t raise your voice. You delivered a correction, which was your job as a supervisor.
A third, extreme, and classic example of gaslighting is moving or hiding something deliberately. This time, let’s say you come home every day from work and you always put your keys in the same spot. You’re very intentional about it. And now an hour later, you need to leave and your keys are not there. You can’t find them anywhere. If you are living with a narcissist, chances are they have moved your keys. You think that you’re going crazy. You just put them there. All the while, inside your mind you think, “What in the heck is going on? The keys were in my hand. I remember walking through the door. I remember setting them here. I sat my purse there.” You start to doubt yourself.
You can not believe anyone, especially some one who loves you, would be playing with you, toying with you. That would be really sick. It is. It is called gaslighting and you have just been gaslit.
How to end the gaslighting
Once you know someone is gaslighting you, how do you end this insanely ridiculous and devastating form of emotional and psychological abuse? How do you get them to stop?
Eliminating the narcissist in your life is the fastest route to peace, especially if they live in your household. Sometimes, however, we can’t do that, right? Sometimes we have procedures we have to follow before we fire an employee, or maybe we’re not prepared to change jobs today. Maybe we can’t end our relationship with a family member and never see them again.
In that case, the only one way to end the gaslighting is to disengage, to not react. “Oh, so my keys aren’t here now,” or “So you don’t remember that. Whatever…” You continue your workday and completely ignore, “Why are you so angry? Why are you yelling?” You continue to speak calmly and move about your day.
I get that this is hard. It is hard. But here’s the thing. The narcissist will never see your version of reality, even if you provide a video recording and 100 witnesses. It is not possible to convince them of the facts, because the only part they care about is destabilizing you. Defending yourself and your reality gives them exactly what they want- more narcissistic supply.
Standing in your truth, trusting yourself and your version of reality, then moving forward, disengaging them, takes the wind out of a narcissist’s sails and the fun out of the game. More importantly, gaslighting as a tactic no longer is effective at gaining their narcissistic supply. When you cut off the narcissist’s source of narcissistic supply, by eliminating them from your life or from complete disengagement, they lose interest and will seek someone else to target.
Becoming antifragile
In my work as a narcissist survivor and with other narcissist survivors, I’ve learned to extract the trauma and rise above the chaos. I’ve become antifragile. It is possible, and it starts with knowledge. Share this with those who need this message. I invite you and your loved ones to become antifragile, too.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
