What Happens When a Narcissist Tries to Punish You and You Don’t React?
Are you sure you’re not reacting?
Once the narcissist no longer idealizes you and has started devaluing you, they want to punish you. Why?
- For not being their idealized vision of yourself
- For not seeing them as their idealized self
- For reflecting poorly on them — thus making them look bad
- For being too smart, too successful — thus making them look bad
- For making them feel badly about themselves
- For doing something incorrectly — when there is, of course, only one “correct” way to do things
Whether you have harmed them directly by wanting to improve your relationship, or indirectly by being too successful, they deeply feel narcissistic injury. They will do anything to avoid the deep shame they feel about who they are and quickly counter with narcissistic rage.
Visible rage isn’t fitting with their persona, however. They have learned to contain it, to hide it, to let it out in slow, steady, deniable ways.
The narcissist punishes you for two reasons:
- To exert power and control over you, making you less than and them better than
- To get a reaction
Both give them narcissistic supply through aggression, but they provoke and receive it in different ways.
Sometimes subtle says it all
The narcissist who wants to subtly make you less than has learned to punish you by…
- Undermining your competence
- Sabotage
- Weaponized incompetence
- Subtle silent treatment
- Making you uncomfortable when you’re in distress
- Put-downs
- Gaslighting
- Soft smear
- And so much more
They’ve learned to do this subtly, to hide behind plausible deniability, so they can increase the stress, drama, and chaos in your life without being held accountable.
These are subtle, almost invisible abuses.
- “Accidentally” breaking something dear to you
- Backhanded compliments
- Hiding your slippers, then watching you look for them
- Telling their flying monkeys something to make you look bad, while they appear to be standing by your side
It does not matter to them if you know you are being punished. They know.
Sometimes it’s all about your reaction
Reacting to your punishment and abuse is an excellent source of power, control, and narcissistic supply for the narcissist.
You may react by…
- Begging them to speak to you again
- Apologizing for something you didn’t do just to end it
- Defending yourself
- Arguing about your reality
- Yelling, screaming, and giving them fodder for their monkeys
- Crying and falling apart
- Threatening to leave, then staying because you devalue yourself
The narcissist that thrives on your reaction eats this all up. What power and control they must have to get you to do these things after THEY abused YOU.
So, what happens when you don’t react?
First, if you’re still in the relationship, you’re reacting, whether you think you are or not.
When you stay calm, stay grounded, choose not to respond, yet stay in the relationship, you’ve given them power and control — power and control to abuse you without consequence.
I used to get so angry when my therapist told me I was tolerating this behavior. I felt like I wasn’t tolerating it at all. Yet, my toleration stopped on the day I left the relationship. Prior to that, I was only fooling myself.
If you have left the relationship and the narcissist is trying to punish you, examine whether you’ve emotionally left or only physically left.
If you’ve physically left, but notice that you’ve been blocked, are trying to be “friends,” are interested in the narcissist’s relationship with their new source of supply, or are hoping the flying monkeys see the truth, you’re still emotionally invested. This is a road map that points you on your path of further healing.
Once you are emotionally clean and clear from the relationship, you have become indifferent.
At that point, the narcissist is no longer able to punish you.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: How Will a Narcissist React to a Victim that Grows Stronger from the Abuse? and 6 Things that Make an Empath Absolutely Ambivalent to a Narcissist