6 Things that Make an Empath Absolutely Ambivalent to a Narcissist

Once you reach this point, they can no longer hurt you

Before healing completely you are in a state of two minds, of crazy-making ambivalence.

You both love the narcissist and you hate them.

The ambivalence is a source of pain as your mind can’t resolve it.

It’s crazy-making.

You know that healing all codependency and emotional dependency-free you to be truly finished with the narcissist, to be indifferent, to find absolute ambivalence.

That’s what you want next.

When you complete these 6 amazing shifts you’ll know that you made it.

#1 You see clearly what’s yours and what’s theirs

You stop accepting blame for what the narcissist and others throw at you.

• Someone honks their horn, and you no longer wonder what you did wrong.
• Someone yells at you in a store line and you realize that’s their issue, not yours.
• The narcissist tells you they can’t trust you and you realize it’s a projection. The issue is theirs.

Once you realize what’s yours and what’s theirs, you take full responsibility for the things that are yours and you let them own full responsibility for the things that are theirs — whether they accept it or not.

You no longer feel the need to walk on eggshells, avoid crunchy topics that upset them, or apologize for their behavior.

You see the person and the relationship clearly for what it is.

#2 You set firm boundaries without feeling badly

You’ve learned that healthy people love when you set clear boundaries.

• No one wants to accept a ride home not knowing if the offer is genuine.
• No one wants to keep you up late when you need to get up early for work.
• No one wants to go out to lunch when you’re terrified you can’t afford it.

You learn to set boundaries yet preserve your compassion.

• When your co-worker forgets their lunch, you offer to share or help them brainstorm.
• When you go no-contact, you choose to honor yourself.
• You offer to see your mom on Christmas Eve and skip the family celebration to prioritize your emotional health and well-being.

You know that setting boundaries for yourself and your things is your right. Not only is it your right, but it is also your obligation to your truest self.

You know that if you don’t take care of you, no one else will.

#3 You understand the narcissist is disordered and it was never personal

Of course, the narcissist’s abuse and betrayal affected you personally on a very deep level, but you now realize they saw you as an object.

The narcissist sees everyone as an object.

While the narcissist used tactics to attack you personally, it was never personal. They would have devalued any partner.

#4 You feel compassion for the narcissist’s struggles without wanting to “fix” them

You’ve learned how harmful it is to do for others what they can do for themselves.

For example, in the past, you reduced your teen’s stress by dropping their forgotten project off at school.

Now you realize that took away their opportunity to learn executive functioning and organizational skills, to put in place systems to be sure they have everything they need — skills that will serve them well in the future.

You’ve learned how empowering it is for people to solve their own problems.

You recognize the limits, challenges, and struggles of the narcissist’s disorder and feel great compassion.

AND you realize they are not yours to fix.

#5 You love them without wanting to be with them

You realize you can love the narcissists in your past with your whole heart while maintaining no contact.

I love many of the narcissists in my life. I’m not talking romantic love.

I genuinely and wholeheartedly love them. I wish only the best for them. If they could flip a switch and be emotionally healthy, I’d be so happy for them.

And I know I cannot be in contact with them and be true to myself.

Loving the narcissist and wanting to be with them are not mutually exclusive.

#6 You forgive all hurts and appreciate the lessons learned

You genuinely forgive the narcissist for hurting you.

Even more importantly, you forgive yourself deeply for betraying and abandoning yourself, for allowing yourself to be treated poorly, for not knowing better, for not leaving sooner.

You appreciate what your experience has taught you. You appreciate your personal growth as a result. You know the abundant blessings in your life have blossomed from, not despite, your history of narcissistic abuse.

Final Thoughts

Once you’ve reached the point where you can see the narcissist as they are — disordered, manipulative, cruel — from an objective, neutral observer’s perspective, (kind of like “that bird has red wings,”) you can love their Soul at the same time.

You are indifferent yet harbor no animosity.

Your triggers have been healed. You are emotionally clean.

Now you can both love the narcissist they can no longer emotionally hurt you.

This is the ultimate object constancy — absolute ambivalence.

You’ve found peace.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: As a Recovering Narcissist Victim, How Do I Become Truly Indifferent? and How Long Does It Take to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse?

I recorded this for you — Healing Meditation for Empaths (third party link).