How Do Covert Narcissists Abuse Their Partners?

And why do their partners stay?

Covert narcissists render the most subtle, insidious abuse on their partners.

Though it is subtle, it is not mild. In fact, because the abuse is so subtle, it remains invisible and undetected for months, years, or decades, the effects being severe.

How does this happen?

A covert narcissist seeks you out because you are highly valuable.

You are:

Attractive: physically, mentally, emotionally. You are stable, successful, powerful, talented, and connected. You are one of those people who has everything going for you. You elevate the status of those around you.
Caring and compassionate: You see the world as a beautiful, safe place. You treat people with kindness and love and assume others will do the same. You see the good in everyone.
Empathic: You feel what others are feeling as if it’s happening to you. As such, you are really attuned to the needs of others.

A covert narcissist takes your amazing gifts and weaponizes them against you.

They will exploit your empathy by holding you prisoner with the chaos and drama they create
They will betray your caring, compassionate heart by luring you into their trap
They will belittle and devalue you specifically for your talents and strengths

In the beginning

During the love bomb phase, the covert narcissist mirrors your interests, love languages, and communication style.

We finish each other’s sentences.
That’s what I was going to say!
You don’t need to buy me anything. Spending time with you is more than enough.
Let me take care of that for you. You work so hard.
Let me rub your shoulders. You’ve had such a hard day.
I’d much rather go antiquing with you than watch football.
Pinch me. Am I dreaming?
I’ve never felt like this before.
How are you still single?
I’m the luckiest person alive.
Can I tell you something crazy?
I’ve never told anyone this before…
I love you.
Let’s get married.

These are TACTICS.

They are part of the covert narcissist’s trap. These tactics are designed to make a neurotypical person feel good, feel loved, and fall in love. They are tactics strategically designed to get a desired response.

The soft close

You know I appreciate how supportive you are, right?

Yes

You know how I told you my family is having a big party?

Yes

And you know how I mentioned my brother always tries to show me up?

Yes

I know we just started seeing each other, but would you come with me as my girlfriend?

Yes

This is a masterful use of the soft close. The covert narcissist gets you to say yes to a series of questions to make it easier for you to say yes to their final big question.

Safe-porting

Can I ask you something?

Is it okay if I kiss you?

Both are examples of safe-porting. This technique is designed to get your attention. After giving your attention, you give your consent. You allow them to lead you into the trap.

Neither soft closes nor safe-porting are abusive or harmful when used by a healthy, neurotypical person. In fact, they can be kind of sweet and even respectful.

The covert narcissist is not using these tactics to ensure you are heard or truly consent. The sole purpose is to manipulate you.

Not so romantic after all, hey?

It goes downhill from there

After seeming to worship the ground you walk on and creating the lens through which you see them, the covert narcissist’s low self-esteem kicks in.

Maybe you’ve caught them in a lie
Maybe you’ve confronted them about using weaponized incompetence
Maybe you’ve pointed out their harmful behavior and asked them to be accountable

Now they’re feeling scared, terrified really. They lash out in anger. They devalue you in a desperate attempt to raise themselves up. They criticize the very things they worshipped about you.

When you dress up to go to a party with them, “You’re trying to get attention from other men.”
When you are a great conversationalist with their co-workers, fitting in even though you know no one, “You have to be the center of attention.”
When you get a promotion, “Oh yes, I know. You’re perfect.”
When you have a huge work success, “Sometimes I feel like I’m just not good enough for you.”
When you’re asked to be an expert speaker at a conference, “You’ll love that. You always think you’re the smartest person in the room.”
When you have a great parenting moment, “You always did love the kids more than me.”
When you get a raise, “You’ll probably leave me. You don’t need me.”

You defend yourself. You want to be sure they know you’re not flirting with others, trying to be the center of attention, or looking down on them.

You defend yourself. You lose.

The mind games

The covert narcissist confuses your reality. The foundation was laid at the beginning of the love bombing phase, but it doesn’t become apparent for years.

That dress isn’t very flattering.
Tom is jealous of you.
Tina at work, came and rubbed my shoulders today. She asked if we’re serious.
My mom thinks you’re lazy and selfish.
You have a problem with commitment.
You’re too sensitive.
I was just joking.
That never happened.
You must’ve had too much to drink.
I think you dreamt that.
I only want you to be happy.

This person you love who has idolized you from the start must see something you don’t, right? (See that soft close, there?) Maybe they’re right? Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe I am remembering it wrong.

No! None of those things are true!

Whether you believe what they say is true or defend yourself knowing it isn’t, you’ve lost. The covert narcissist gets massive amounts of supply.

Now here’s the real kicker

Then they tell you maybe you should both cut your losses and end the relationship.

They do not want to do that! They are lazy and want your supply until the day they die.

They know you won’t walk away.

The trauma bond is too strong. And each time they threaten, and you stay or each time you leave and come back, that bond gets stronger.

This is not a good thing! Being trauma bonded to your abuser is like being caged with a tiger. It only works out well for them. You are destroyed in the process.

You fight for the relationship, the abusive relationship that is killing you.
You beg them to stay.
You vow to work on your weaknesses (all projections by the covert narcissist).
You walk on eggshells.
You give away all sense of self.

Or you finally decide you’ve had enough. You decide to leave. Then you hear,

You wouldn’t really break up with me over …
I knew there was someone else.
I was never good enough for you. No one will make you happy.

The covert narcissist’s grand finale

You separate. Now you’ll be free of the drama.

Wrong.

The covert narcissist has groomed hundreds of flying monkeys from day one to side with them, to make you feel crazy, to spread heinous lies about you, to testify against you.

These flying monkeys are your friends, your family, your neighbors. They are complicit in your abuse. They allow the covert narcissist to rewrite your entire history.

It’s as if nothing you knew to be true was real. It wasn’t. Those relationships were never real.

Your only winning move

Walking away from this abusive relationship means you may lose everything — your children, friends, family, financial security, job security, and more.

And yet it’s the only way you’ll live.

In time, you’ll find yourself again. That is real. The rest was illusion.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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