Weaponized Incompetence, “Never mind. I’ll take care of it.”
Weaponized incompetence is something that’s getting a lot of women hot under the collar right now. It’s something you don’t want to miss.
Weaponized incompetence is when a narcissist or another toxic person does something so incompetently that they’re never asked to do it again. And they do this on purpose. It’s a strategy predominantly used by men at home, often used by women in the workplace, but it can be used by anyone anywhere. So, what exactly is it? Weaponized incompetence is intentionally doing a task poorly. Why would anyone do this?
First is to avoid being asked to do the task again. It’s a method of laziness, of getting out of work. It’s making you choose to just do the task yourself rather than ask them to do it in the future.
The second reason is to put you in a continued place of devaluation. Narcissists look for ways to devalue you. Covert narcissists, do this in a very sneaky, subtle, insidious way so you don’t know that’s what’s happening. But they’re always looking to devalue you as a way of creating power, control, and narcissistic supply for them.
Weaponized incompetence in narcissistic men
Narcissistic men tend to use this tactic at home. Why? Because in the workplace they want to be seen as very competent, as superior. They want to be considered for promotions or bigger roles within their company. They want to be seen as the go-to person who has all the answers. They want to look very competent at work or in the business world.
At home it’s a totally different story. A narcissist or other toxic man who’s using this technique at home is wishing to 1) be lazy and get out of doing the work and 2) is looking for ways to devalue his partner.
Take, for example, loading the dishwasher
Your husband loads the dishwasher in like the stupidest way possible, bowls on the upper rack facing upright in a way that they can’t possibly get washed. Maybe he loads dishes in a way that the sprayer can’t possibly get to all the dishes. Or maybe he loads it so inefficiently that it seems “full” with half the typical number of dishes.
You see this after the fact, realize the dishes need to be rewashed, and realize it’s easier to just do it yourself next time. It’s not worth the hassle. You stop asking him to load the dishwasher.
If he’s really a skilled narcissist, he may repeatedly offer to load the dishwasher or start doing the job in your presence, just so you have to decline his help. That will be used against you later.
Doing laundry
Say your girlfriend does your laundry and doesn’t separate your white clothes from your brand new red shirt. It bleeds and all of your whites end up pink. You decide it’s far too much hassle and far too costly to replace clothes all the time. You will just do the laundry yourself.
Bill paying
Your husband wants to take over the bill paying. He is upset about your family finances and doesn’t understand where all the household money is going. He thinks you must be doing a terrible job. He wants to take it over so that it’s done correctly, but then misses paying bills. Now you have late fees, dings to your credit report, or threats of your electricity being shut off. He’s missed things because he doesn’t follow the procedures you have in place to make sure that everything gets paid on time. You might think he’s just really bad at it. More likely, it’s intentional.
Keeping track of the calendar
Perhaps you’re at a family function and his mom tells him, Thanksgiving is at 5 pm at his brother’s house. He doesn’t put it on the calendar. He doesn’t tell you. Thanksgiving is approaching and you don’t know where it is, when it is, or what you’re to bring. People are frustrated. Maybe you’ve missed birthday parties or other big events — commitments he has made on your family’s behalf. You didn’t know anything about them. They are not on the calendar. Soon you ask everyone to just communicate with you regarding the calendar. It’s just simpler. But this was all strategically designed in the first place.
Why people use weaponized incompetence at home
1) To get out of doing the work; to let you take on all those roles, wear all of those hats: the scheduler, the bill payer, the one doing the household work.
2) It’s a way of devaluing you and your contribution.
For example, if you are always the one who’s in charge of the calendar and he feels like his weekend is too busy, it’s your fault because you scheduled too many things. Or if he feels like he doesn’t see his friends often enough, it’s your fault because you’re the one that handles the calendar. If there’s not as much money at the end of the month as he’d hoped, it’s your fault because you’re the one who pays the bills. It is not only extremely laziness, it devalues you to gain narcissistic supply. It gives the narcissist a reason to always be angry.
Weaponized incompetence in the workplace
Women may use it at home, though it’s less likely. Society expects them to be responsible for all matters of the home.
Weaponized incompetence in women tends to occur more commonly at work. Perhaps you have an employee who consistently drops the ball on big projects. The next time there’s a big project, something that has to be done beautifully, you ask another employee. You choose one you can count on, one who will do the work well, even if that employee’s plate is overflowing and the other one has nothing to do.
Maybe you have a coworker who has needed to be retrained again and again and again. There are aspects of their job that they just don’t seem to understand or remember how to do correctly. They play this game of not being sure what to do; they need clarification; they want to be shown once again. And what they’re really doing is getting another person on the team to just jump in and take it over. They know the supervisor will expect another employee to take it over because they just want the job done. They don’t want to hear the stories around who should be doing it and why. They just want the job done.
This person benefits from their weaponized incompetence in several ways. First, is laziness. Even though they’ve been trained numerous times, they don’t know how to do their job. Next, they’re devaluing the competent employee’s contribution by diverting attention away from their work. Finally, they’re using triangulation to create this odd work dynamic between the boss and the competent employee. The boss expects the competent employee to do both jobs while the incompetent person is just sitting there.
Another example in the workplace is choosing or refusing to not get cross-trained. Someone who is not cross-trained, cannot be asked to do extra things. They may sit and twiddle their thumbs waiting for something to do while someone else is more trained, more competent, more dedicated. In the meantime, the employee who is running around doing all of the work grows resentful of the person who is not pulling their weight.
The ultimate benefit is gaining power and control over the competent employee, soaking up abundant narcissistic supply.
What is the most ridiculous form of weaponized incompetence you’ve seen?
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
