How Do Narcissists Convince Flying Monkeys to Do Outrageous Things for Them?
This happens far more easily than you’d think
The narcissist’s setup starts months, years, even decades before meeting the flying monkey.
The setup has two parts.
- Convince others that the narcissist’s idealized self, their persona is real
2. Convince others that the narcissist’s made-up reality is real
For most narcissists, this occurs during childhood. The narcissist “tries on” different aspects of personality, much like other children and teens — only the narcissist isn’t finding themselves like other youth. They are fleeing from it — creating someone new.
As the narcissist tries on this new persona, much like a costume, they tweak and refine until they find a perfect fit — a persona that gets them what they want, that helps them avoid their deep shame and fear.
What might this costume look like?
- Someone with extreme confidence and arrogance (when really, they’re very insecure)
- Someone who works hard at school (when really, they put in little effort)
- Someone who is an attentive listener (when really, someone else speaking bores them)
- Someone who is friendly and charming (when really, they’re looking for ways to use you)
- Someone who is helpless (when really, they are lazy)
The first flying monkey is born
The people that know the narcissist when the idealized self, the persona, is created are indoctrinated as the narcissist’s first flying monkeys — only they have no idea.
Those initial flying monkeys — the narcissist’s family and friends — see the persona as real. They think of the narcissist as…
- Loyal
- Trustworthy
- Friendly
- Thoughtful
- Successful
- Funny
- Hard-working
- The life of the party
- Diligent
- Compassionate
- Or however the narcissist wishes to be seen
The narcissist starts to share their made-up world with these flying monkeys.
- Their best friend isn’t speaking to them, because he’s jealous they got the lead in the play.
- A girl with special needs forgot her lunch, so they shared with her.
- There was a fire drill and they had to stand outside in the rain.
- The teacher showed their paper to the class as an example of great work.
- Two classmates asked them to the school dance.
This sounds rather ordinary — like any other child sharing about their day.
Yet NONE of it is true.
Each is a made-up story that reinforces the belief that the idealized self is who they are.
The pied piper collects flying monkeys
Now imagine the number of flying monkeys collected as the narcissist grows up and enters adulthood. They are like the pied piper.
Every family member, friend, classmate, co-worker, boss, neighbor, teacher, and pastor see the narcissist’s idealized self as real. They also believe blatant false stories told by the narcissist to reinforce this perception.
It’s not a tough sell — everyone else believes the narcissist, too.
In fact, the more people that believe something, the less discerning one feels they need to be.
Think of it this way. If you were considering an investment and had to make the decision alone, would you spend more or less time on that decision than if EVERY friend, family member, and advisor told you it was a sure thing?
For the flying monkeys, their belief in the narcissist is a sure thing. Without even questioning it, they will…
- Give the narcissist large sums of money
- Give the narcissist a key to their house
- Loan the narcissist a vehicle
- Buy the narcissist expensive things
- Pay for the narcissist even when it is unusual
- Provide a job reference without direct knowledge of their work quality or qualifications
- Deny the narcissist did things they observed directly
- Stand up for the narcissist in any conflict, when the narcissist is wrong
- Mitigate the consequences of the narcissist’s behavior — smoothing things over or advocating for the narcissist
- Fiercely come to the narcissist’s defense and verbally, even physically abuse the accuser
- Try to get the victim fired
- Bully the victim on social media
- Gaslight the victim
- Testify under oath that heinous allegations are true
The flying monkey was easily convinced
The narcissist has effectively love bombed them. They are wrapped around the narcissist’s little finger.
The narcissist has setup a seamless scenario to exploit the flying monkeys’ weaknesses and insecurities, manipulating them into doing the narcissist’s dirty work while feeling like a loyal and supportive friend.
The flying monkey’s deep need for validation and approval has been met.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Why Does a Covert Narcissist Make Such Crazy Accusations? and How Do You Show the Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys They’re Dreadfully Wrong?
