When Does a Charming Covert Narcissist Reveal Who They Actually Are?

The ultimate game of hide-and-seek no one knows they are playing

You went all in.

You thought this was the perfect relationship.

You thought they were your soulmate.

Now, years later, you see who they truly are.

You’re struggling to understand how you’ve been living with someone you didn’t know at all, how you didn’t see the truth.

You want to know how you missed the signs, how you were fooled.

The covert narcissist is fooling themselves, too

Early childhood trauma rewired the covert narcissist’s brain. As a result, they are unable to form a true sense of self. They don’t know who they actually are.

Yet, at the same time, they feel great shame about who they fear they are. This shame and fear are too much to bear.

The covert narcissist subconsciously chooses who they want to be and mirrors that person. As young children, they realize that heroes are idealized. They want to be a hero. They also realize that victims get sympathy, attention, and resources from others. They want that, too.

Mirroring victims and heroes become second nature. Over time, the covert narcissist’s persona, their idealized self, their mask are created. From there it’s a matter of tweaking.

• Self-deprecation gets me sympathy and validation.
• Acting entitled doesn’t.
• Being friendly, charming, and likable gets people to give me money (or in child currency — candy).
• Acting superior doesn’t.
• Bragging makes people stop being my friend.
• Being funny makes me the center of attention.

The covert narcissist’s idealized self is slowly and gradually refined to provide maximal benefits with minimal effort.

It’s like going so deeply undercover, you forget who you are. Only the covert narcissist didn’t know who they are in the first place.

The covert narcissist’s made-up version of reality reinforces their persona

Because the covert narcissist has been playing this role since childhood, all of their friends, family, and colleagues believe this is who they are.

It’s a pretty easy sell. The covert narcissist also believes this is who they are.

The covert narcissist has created a pattern of reinforcement that continues to tell them this is true.

• They are super friendly, helpful, and charming to adults. Adults give them things, saying, “He’s such a nice boy.” They believe they are a nice person.
• He says, “I’m not very smart.” People respond with numerous examples of how smart he is. He believes he is smart.
• They tell someone about how they were beaten up on the way home from school. The adult gives them their full attention, gives them cookies and milk, and tells them the bully was just jealous. Then the adult offers to pick them up from school tomorrow. The covert narcissist believes they are special.
• She says, “I’m not as pretty as my sister.” People effusively reassure her that’s not true. She believes she is more attractive.

The covert narcissist becomes an adult with a similar pattern.

• They repeat a joke, maybe even one you just whispered in their ear. Everyone laughs. They believe they are funny.
• You catch them in a lie. No one believes you. They believe this “proves” they are honest.
• You share a concern about their behavior. They deflect and make it about you. You take responsibility and let them off the hook. They believe this “proves” it was you who was the problem.

The covert narcissist doesn’t see the truth to reveal

They believe their idealized self is the truth, is real. The part of them that fears that aren’t true are buried so deep inside, even they can’t find it — at least not for long. It’s hidden behind the smoke, hidden amongst the mirrors.

If it were up to them, the only way you’d ever see them is as their idealized self, their persona.

The trouble is, that mask is so darn heavy that it slips. And when it does, their truth has been revealed.

Gaslighting yourself

The first few times the mask slips, you convince yourself what you saw isn’t real.

• They were just having a bad day.
• I must’ve chosen a bad time for that conversation.
• I must have misunderstood our previous conversation.
• They just don’t remember. They’ve been really stressed.
• Maybe I am too controlling.

Eventually, you see the truth so clearly, it’s impossible to unsee it.

At that point, their truth has been revealed and there’s no going back.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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