What One Thing Leads to a Covert Narcissist’s Final Discard?
Though they are wired differently, they are unpredictably predictable
You’ve had that dreadful realization — you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist.
You’re reeling. You don’t know how you missed it. You’re wondering what comes next.
Maybe you’ve chosen to separate.
Maybe your partner has.
Or maybe you’re still together in a bit of a standoff.
You’re hoping they leave and end your misery. You don’t want to displace your kids. You don’t want to be the one to break up your family.
You are so done. And you’re curious about what comes next. When will they leave? How will they react if you leave? You’ve heard about hoovering. Will the covert narcissist prolong your agony or is it a final discard?
Covert narcissists are a bit of an enigma. They don’t behave like their overt counterparts do.
All narcissists are motivated by the pursuit of narcissistic supply. This motivation, for covert or vulnerable narcissists especially, can be entirely subconscious.
While an overt narcissist often seeks supply through praise, admiration, validation, and attention, they also obtain supply from power and control over others.
Covert narcissists seek attention by being both the victim and the hero in every story. They sabotage themselves, their partners, and their relationships, then blame it on their partner. They receive a lot of supply from their flying monkeys by crying on their shoulders.
They have an intense amount of internal shame and worthlessness. The covert narcissist will hide that by “marrying up” choosing someone who elevates their status.
For a long while, this seems like a partnership made in Heaven. The covert narcissist often has caretaking and people-pleasing tendencies plus difficulties setting boundaries, much like other emotionally dependent individuals.
They present themselves as whoever their partner wants them to be.
Once the devaluation starts, it takes a long time for the partner to clearly see what’s going on. Often, it is unfathomable that the covert narcissist could be shooting themselves in the foot, so to speak, with their sabotage.
For this reason, covert narcissists often have relationships lasting 10, 20, 30, or more years. They’re not focused on securing new sources of supply — the newer, flashier models grandiose narcissists seek.
A covert narcissist is less likely to discard than a grandiose narcissist.
Why?
The covert narcissist gets so much more from telling their flying monkeys how you wronged them this week, from subtly devaluing you passive-aggressively, and from creating drama for you to navigate. It’s their own reality TV show and they’re directing every detail.
And while it may be true that an overt narcissist rarely has a final discard, the same cannot be said for a covert narcissist.
The one thing that makes the narcissist discard permanently
A covert narcissist is subconsciously and powerfully motivated by two things
- Narcissistic supply
- Preserving their idealized version of their self and their false reality
When their mask slips and you see who they truly are, their Dr Jekyll side is terrified and filled with deep, internal shame. Mr Hyde almost immediately jumps in and retaliates with a ferocity you’ve never seen. You’re a threat that needs to be neutralized. You’ve become the enemy.
At that point, they will either discard you or torture you until you discard them.
The covert narcissist is scrambling. They’ve got to cut their losses and keep as much supply as possible. After all the assaults on your character, after all the things they’ve said to obtain massive amounts of supply, they have to save face with thier flying monkeys.
This is a final discard. It is highly unlikely they will want you back after you’ve seen who they really are. They can no longer trust you to hold their false reality as truth.
And it is a blessing in disguise. You’ve been living an invisible lie that’s been killing you. This discard is an opportunity for you to heal and move forward.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Do You Want to Finally Grasp the Secrets of Narcissistic Supply? and What Makes a Covert Narcissist Regret Leaving You?
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