What Makes a Covert Narcissist Regret Leaving You?

Will they want you back?

I answered this question on Quora two days ago. Today I would write an entirely different answer.

It’s not that my first pass was wrong.

You see, my understanding is evolving. Today I see the answer through another lens.

Here’s my initial response

The real question is what makes a covert narcissist regret leaving the narcissistic supply you provided? That is the harsh reality.

The covert narcissist sees you as a source of resources.

• If you provide financial resources, they see you as a bank.
• If you provide home management services like cooking and cleaning, they see you as the maid.
• If you take care of your children, they see you as the nanny.

Above all else, they see you as a source of narcissistic supply.

A grandiose narcissist uses power and control, flashy cars and clothes, and intense relationships to evoke awe, respect, admiration, and jealousy from others. This is their preferred form of supply. They also get supply from devaluing people.

A covert narcissist receives supply in a totally different way.

• They receive admiration and respect from others for being with someone high value — you. You are more educated, successful, powerful, connected, and attractive than they are. You elevate their status.
• They receive supply by devaluing you and eroding your sense of who you are. They want you to feel weak, insecure, incompetent, or like a fraud. This projection of their feelings onto you makes them feel better about themselves.
• They receive tons of supply by leading their flying monkeys to see them as a poor soul being victimized by mean, horrible you.

Covert narcissists are playing the long game. They love to torture their victims for 10, 20, 30 or more years. If a covert narcissist leaves, it’s for one of two reasons.

1. Their mask came off. You saw who they are. They can no longer count on you to participate in their made-up version of reality. They fear you will reveal who they are to the world.

2. They believe they can get more status, resources, and supply from someone else. They will still get plenty of supply from their flying monkeys by badmouthing you.

The covert narcissist may lose their new source of supply and regret having given up your supply, but they do not regret leaving you.

It’s kind of like selling your old, reliable car for a shiny new one, only to find out it’s a lemon.

You were a resource, not a relationship.

Here’s what I would add today

Covert narcissists think and behave through their dysfunctional programming.

Some are entirely unaware of their dysfunction.

They genuinely want to be good, are terrified that they’re not, feel tremendous amounts of shame, and make up a new version of reality for themselves to star in — one that allows them to avoid those feelings of shame.

Their thoughts and actions are all aligned toward preserving this distorted reality.

If someone or something threatens their relationship (and that part of their false narrative), they use narcissistic tactics to defuse the threat.

If someone or something threatens their false narrative of their perfect reality by calling them out on lies, deflection, triangulation, gaslighting, or other behaviors, they react like a caged animal being taunted.

They will do anything to avoid feeling their deep-seated shame about who they are. (This shame is subconscious.)

Their mind responds and their body takes action in a way that is entirely self-protective.

Because they are deficient in empathy, they do not know they are hurting you. They only see that they are protecting themselves. They live in extreme scarcity. It’s like survival of the fittest.

And because they are terrified and their limbic system is activated, they may not even remember what they’ve done or said.

When their mask comes off and you see who they are, their shame is too much to bear. This is internal shame. Again, they are not consciously aware.

They genuinely believe their made-up version of reality is true. They are so hurt that you would accuse them of lying. They are so hurt that you’d accuse them of manipulating you. They are so hurt you’d accuse them of avoiding taking responsibility for their actions because they don’t believe any of those things could be true.

They believe you must not know them at all. They believe something is wrong with you. They believe the only way you could say these things is if you never loved them at all.

They believe that you were only using THEM.

This is why they are so convincing to their flying monkeys. They believe what they are saying is true.

They are a victim of their own gaslighting.

The covert narcissist will not regret leaving someone who they perceive to have hurt them so badly. They will not see or take accountability for their actions. They will not see that you are the victim.

That is truly regrettable.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for You: How Do Covert Narcissists Abuse Their Partners? and What is Gaslighting?

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