avatarMelissa Kalt, MD

Summary

The web content discusses the concept of narcissistic supply, explaining how individuals with narcissistic personality disorder depend on others for validation and emotional regulation, and details the signs of being used as a source of supply.

Abstract

The article "Do You Want to Finally Grasp the Secrets of Narcissistic Supply?" delves into the psychological dependency that narcissists have on external validation, known as narcissistic supply. It explains that narcissists require this supply to maintain their self-worth and emotional equilibrium due to their lack of a true sense of identity and the presence of a fragile ego. The article outlines two primary methods narcissists use to obtain supply: ingratiation, which involves charm and manipulation to receive positive attention, and aggression, which includes devaluing others to feel superior. It also provides a list of signs that indicate someone may be unknowingly serving as a source of narcissistic supply, such as being asked to lie, feeling excessively flattered, or receiving disproportionate gifts. The author emphasizes the importance of recognizing these signs to avoid being used and to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Opinions

  • The author believes that understanding narcissistic supply is crucial for recognizing and dealing with narcissistic behavior.
  • Narcissists are portrayed as individuals who lack the ability to self-regulate their emotions and self-esteem, making them reliant on others for their mental well-being.
  • The article suggests that narcissists objectify people as sources of supply without genuine concern for their feelings or needs.
  • It is implied that recognizing the signs of being a source of supply can empower individuals to protect themselves from narcissistic abuse.
  • The author provides a disclaimer that the information is for educational purposes and not a substitute for professional medical or legal advice.
  • Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, the author, positions herself as an expert in trauma and covert narcissistic abuse, offering resources for further support and guidance.

Do You Want to Finally Grasp the Secrets of Narcissistic Supply?

And more importantly, ensure you’re not unknowingly a source of supply now?

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

Until you fully grasp it, the concept of narcissistic supply is a mind-bending concept.

It’s hard to understand why they are so desperate for it.

For example, why will a narcissist…

  • Tell a story that makes them look foolish?
  • Sabotage their partner’s (and thus family’s) financial well-being?
  • Provoke a public argument?

I couldn’t wrap my head around it, until I came to truly understand narcissistic supply.

The term supply comes from psychoanalytic theory. It describes the needs of babies and toddlers in maintaining both their mental and emotional equilibrium.

Those with narcissistic personality disorder also need supply. They need others to maintain their mental and emotional equilibrium, even though they are adults.

Because a narcissist lacks a sense of their own identity and is living as their false self, they require others to affirm their self-worth, self-esteem, and fragile ego. They require validation from others.

Their ability to regulate emotions mirrors their current level of self-esteem, which is entirely supplied by others.

Sadly, their disorder prevents them from being able to supply themselves, to meet their own essential needs.

Narcissistic supply is like life force energy to a narcissist. It is required for their survival.

Narcissists seek and receive supply in two ways:

Ingratiation: Making themselves more likable to the source of supply.

  • They use charm, love bombing strategies, manipulation, showing off, controlling the narrative, and grooming flying monkeys to make themselves more attractive, while seeking supply.
  • As a result, they receive praise, admiration, validation, respect, and attention (positive or negative).

Aggression: Devaluing another.

  • Narcissists use passive-aggressive putdowns, the silent treatment, belittling, deflecting, projecting, blaming, dismissing, and other devaluing tactics and techniques while seeking supply.
  • They receive narcissistic supply as a result of the devaluation, making themselves feel better.

When a narcissist tells a story that makes them look ridiculous, sabotages their partner, or provokes an argument, they receive attention. It’s negative attention, but attention, nonetheless. They feel relevant. This gives them narcissistic supply.

Narcissists see others as objects, sources of supply, either consciously or subconsciously. They do not see others as people with feelings, thoughts, or needs.

Their sources of supply are entirely objectified.

What are signs you’re being objectified, that you’ve been reduced to a source of supply?

You are asked to lie, even about small things. Perhaps asking for you to confirm…

  • They were in the bathroom when the boss stopped by their desk (not at home in bed)
  • You’re both late to a function due to traffic (when there wasn’t any)
  • A story you’ve heard 100 times (each one slightly different)

You feel like you’re being buttered up, or excessively flattered. The narcissist is projecting their need for praise, admiration, validation, and attention on to you.

  • “Great job. I’m so proud of you.”
  • “You’re such an angel.”
  • “Tell me more about you.”

You’re being told things you don’t think you should know — in confidence.

  • The boss is contemplating firing your co-worker.
  • Your neighbor’s wife is jealous and controlling.
  • Your cousin was diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection.

You’re being asked to provide sympathy and/or reassurance, beyond that typical for the situation.

  • “I just don’t know what I ever did to deserve this.”
  • “Am I really such a horrible person?”
  • “How can I be so stupid?”

You are asked to believe something that is obviously false, such as:

  • They ran an Olympic qualifying split in high school track.
  • They dated a celebrity.
  • They sold a company for $30 million.

They buy excessive gifts, sometimes with written or unwritten conditions.

  • An iPhone for your 3-month dating anniversary
  • A car for Christmas when you’re dating
  • A piece of their grandmother’s jewelry for your 6-month dating anniversary

They provide comfort or support, yet you walk away feeling worse.

  • They compliment your performance, but you’re left with self-doubt that wasn’t there prior
  • You use your outstanding conflict-resolution skills to talk through an issue and you walk away with a list of things wrong with you — and no resolution of the original problem.
  • They do you a favor and you feel the unwritten words, “You owe me.”

The key in many of these examples is EXCESSIVE. The situation makes you uncomfortable. It feels off.

The narcissist’s defense

Remember, a narcissist thrives on plausible deniability. Often, when called out, they will brush off their actions with a deflection of personal responsibility, such as:

  • “I was just having a bad day.”
  • “Everyone exaggerates. What’s the big deal?”
  • “I’m sorry. I thought you’d want to know.”

Then they will flip the tables on you and make it your fault.

  • “I don’t know why you can’t just have my back.”
  • “I was trying to do something nice for you. You’re so ungrateful.”
  • “I thought you’d offer support. Guess I was wrong.”

Narcissists require narcissistic supply. That fact alone is sad.

To find out you were objectified during what you thought was a genuine, loving relationship is heartbreaking. The cognitive dissonance is extreme.

Seeing it clearly empowers you to avoid being used for narcissistic supply in future relationships.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: Covert Narcissists and Triangulation and Why Is He Always Lying? Maybe He’s a Narcissist.

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Psychology
Relationships
Narcissism
Life Lessons
Mental Health
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