Why is He Always Lying? Maybe He’s a Narcissist.

11 Ways Narcissists Lie to You

Narcissists are pathological liars. They do not have a sense of self. Because they don’t have a sense of self, they see themselves as the character they want to be in the movie of their life. They play their role well, but it’s not innocent.

Chronic lying undermines the other person’s ability to make choices, which is all about power and control.

Like you, I’m all about empowerment and don’t want to give away my power, control, or decision-making. The best way to avoid this is by learning to recognize the lies. Knowledge is power. The second is by realizing the narcissist is not going to change. Sharing your feelings about your shaken trust in them will not work. Telling them they can trust you enough to be honest will not work. Threatening to leave if they lie again will not stop the behavior.

I still sometimes struggle with this one. Like you, I want the best for everyone. I want them to see the damage they’re leaving in their wake. Trust me now. It won’t happen.

11 lies narcissists tell

#1 They tell small, seemingly inconsequential lies. They lie about things that no one would lie about, things that don’t really matter. They leave you feeling very confused, almost like you can’t believe that they’re lying because no one would lie about this.

#2 They lie about big things that are verifiable. They will tell you that they deposited a check in the bank when you can easily log on through your online banking portal and see that the check has not been deposited. They will tell you they never said something when you have an email or voicemail that proves they did. They lie about things that are verifiable, and they do it with such certainty that it leaves you completely confused. You know that what they are telling you is not true, yet they say it as if they have sworn an oath on a Bible.

#3 A narcissist lies to make himself look good. He might tell you that he’s being considered for a promotion, that a woman at work was flirting with him, or that he won his tennis match.

#4 He lies to seek sympathy. He may tell you heartbreaking stories from his childhood that are untrue, simply to get you to feel badly for him. He may tell you some crazy story about how the power was out all day, and that he’s frustrated he couldn’t get anything done, when really he sat around watching TV all day.

#5 He mirrors your interests and your communication style. He’s leading you to believe that he is someone just like you, that you have so much in common, that you share this bond, when it’s simply not true.

#6 He blames others or things for something that has happened in his life. This driver caused an accident and made me late. My coworker is always trying to show me up and that’s why I didn’t get the promotion. I didn’t get the promotion because you want me home for family dinners and I don’t look like a hard worker. He’s deflecting the blame to you and it’s a lie. It’s not the coworker’s fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not even that the driver made him late. He didn’t get the promotion because the boss didn’t feel he was the best choice. He refuses to own the truth and, by not doing so, is lying to you.

#7 He judges and criticizes other people because he thinks he’s better. Is he actually a better driver than the man on the freeway? When he talks about how his co-worker dresses or the car he drives, he’s acting like he’s better. But is he actually better? When he undermines your parenting of the kids, he’s criticizing and acting like he’s better, but is he a better parent than you are? No. Those words of judgment and criticism are not true. They are lies.

#8 He says he’s joking, but he isn’t. You know how it is. He makes these jokes, everyone laughs. They think it’s kind of funny, the classic passive-aggressive put down. He makes a comment about how high maintenance you are, how insecure you are, or, if you’re insecure about your weight, how much you’re eating, as a joke or as a tease. And then when you react or you respond, he says, “Oh, you’re too sensitive. Can’t you take a joke? I was just teasing.” He wasn’t just teasing. He wasn’t just joking. And you’re not too sensitive. None of those things are true. He is lying to himself, and he is lying to you about the intent of his comment. It was not intended to be funny.

#9 He says, “I forgot.” We all forget things. That’s natural. But when he says, “I forgot” and then doesn’t follow through on whatever he forgot to do, you know he’s lying about having forgotten in the first place.

#10 He triangulates. Triangulation is when he pits you against someone else and them against you. He does it in such a way that neither of you knows what happened. He may pull you aside and confidentially tell you that his mom really doesn’t like you; you should try being nicer. Then he confidentially pulls aside his mom and tells her the same thing. You’re totally confused because you thought you got along well with his mom. Now you’re walking on eggshells. You’re rattled. He’s sitting there laughing on the inside and soaking up all the narcissistic supply from manipulating this relationship. And it was all a lie.

#11 He gaslights. Gaslighting is distorting someone else’s reality to destabilize them, making them think they are going crazy. It may saying a conversation never happened when you know that it did. It may be challenging your memories. It may be even more extreme, like moving your car keys so you run around like crazy looking for them, when you know you put them on their hook. Gaslighting is a very subtle, very insidious form of emotional abuse that at its core is a type of lying.

If you recognize these types of lies, type “Liar” in the comments. Name those behaviors, those statements for what they are — lies. Then consider becoming antifragile.

Becoming antifragile

In my work as a narcissist survivor and with other narcissist survivors, I’ve learned to extract the trauma and rise above the chaos. I’ve become antifragile. It is possible, and it starts with knowledge. Share this with those who need this message. I invite you and your loved ones to become antifragile, too.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.