Covert Narcissists and Triangulation

How do I stop it if I don’t know I’m a victim?

Overt narcissists triangulate explicitly. They pit you against their previous sources of narcissistic supply and, if you stay long enough, their future supply.

Covert narcissists, on the other hand, do everything subtly.

They spend months, years, or decades lowering your self-esteem, self-confidence, and your ability to trust yourself.

They gaslight you to the point you are confused about who you are, how you’re perceived, and what’s real.

The covert narcissist will use all this when triangulating.

Triangulating involves lying to both parties. Otherwise, it’s gaslighting.

Examples of the covert narcissist:

• Lying to you.
• Lying to others.

In a romantic relationship,

To you: Ann’s going to drop off the package because she knows you’re not comfortable with me stopping by.

To your friend, Ann: Will you please drop off the package? I’ll get in trouble if I stop by your house.

You wonder why Ann thinks you’re not comfortable. You have no issue with this. Why would she think that? you ask yourself. You perseverate –confused, wanting an answer.

Ann thinks your covert narcissist significant other gets into trouble with you and isn’t quite sure what that means. Are you jealous of her? Are you jealous of all other women? Do you have a temper?

Both your thoughts and Ann’s thoughts devalue you. Neither is true.

In the workplace, with your boss

To you: I want to talk to you about your behavior. Tim said you were rude to him this morning.

To your coworker: Tim, I heard you dropped the ball on the project (that he had done with you).

You feel defensive and confused. You have no idea how you were perceived as rude. You value Tim as a member of your team. Tim also feels defensive and confused. He worked really hard on the project and felt he was a key contributor. He likes working with you and is hurt you’d complain about him.

Neither of the covert narcissist’s statements are true. The boss sits back, watches the drama, and soaks up all the narcissistic supply.

In a coparenting relationship,

To you: The kids say you’re always yelling, but I don’t believe them. Just wanted you to know.

To the kids: Dad says you’re on his list. I hear you’re not behaving well over there.

You get really worried. You love your kids. Why would they feel you are yelling all the time? Are you more stressed than you think? Are you communicating poorly? What are you doing wrong?

The kids also become fearful and insecure, wondering what they did wrong, why dad thinks they’re not behaving.

Again, neither is true. You are not talking to the covert narcissist about the kids. The kids aren’t talking about you. The drama is created to harm your relationship with your children, to put a wedge between you.

Both you and the other triangulation victim are hurt and confused.

AND you both see the covert narcissist as having your back. You both believe they let you know the truth, to see behind the curtain. You both appreciate the covert narcissist for pointing out a problem you didn’t know you had.

The follow-up seals the deal

The covert narcissist’s carefully planned follow-up statement clinches the other party as a loyal flying monkey.

• Ann, it’s easier to keep her happy. She’s not very nice when she’s angry.
• Look, Tim. I know you did a great job. It’s all about him looking good.
• Better watch out. You don’t want to see him angry.

Now the other triangulation victim is unlikely to reach out to you to work things out. This ensures neither of you ever discover the truth — that none of it was real.

In all instances, you, the target, are devalued, and the other party is groomed to be a flying monkey for the covert narcissist.

Both of you lose the covert narcissist’s triangulation game.

What can you do about it?

The trouble is most victims have no idea they are being played. They believe what the covert narcissist says is real. So you cannot rely on already knowing you are dealing with a covert narcissist.

That’s a great thing! That means this approach works whether you are aware or unaware.

1. Resolve your own trigger. If you are feeling angry, reactive, hurt, betrayed, or otherwise reactive because of the covert narcissist’s statement, handle your trigger first. You want to choose how to respond, not react.

2. While calm and energetically clean, approach the other person. Ask if they have a minute to speak privately. Sit down, in a non-threatening manner. Tell them you’d heard some things and would like to clear the air. Start with telling them what they mean to you (your opinion prior to hearing they are talking trash about you). Share that you value their friendship, their work ethic, their willingness to collaborate –whatever is real. Then share what you heard they feel about you. At that point, stop talking. Stop talking for as long as it takes for them to respond. It may take some time for them to process what you’ve said. They were under the impression you didn’t value them or see them clearly, that you were saying negative things about them.

3. After you’ve both shared your version of the truth — how you feel about each other — commit to communicating directly with each other should it come up again in the future.

It’s not about putting the covert narcissist in their place or stopping them from derailing your relationships.

It’s about choosing empowerment — taking a stand to move your relationships forward with the energy of love.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: What is Gaslighting? and 8 Ways Covert Narcissists Mess with Your Head.

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