Does the Covert Narcissist Feel Like a Failure When Their Mask Slips?

Do they feel shame for deceiving you?

You imagine what it would feel like — to discover you’d hurt someone you love. You imagine the feeling of being found out after hiding who you are for so long.

Then you hear stories of someone…

• Who cons an elderly person out of money and when confronted, states they deserved it because they’re a “sucker?”
• Who lies to get the promotion and when confronted, says the other candidate is a “pansy” who doesn’t know how to play the game?
• Who has an affair with a married woman and when confronted, says the husband deserves it because he can’t satisfy his wife?
• Who manipulates a man into buying her things and when confronted, says he deserves it for being old, or ugly, or desperate?

You wonder what the narcissist feels when their mask slips, when they’re seen for who they are.

Searching for healthy amidst disorder is like looking for a needle in a haystack

As a neurotypical person who experiences a breadth of emotions, we want to believe that the narcissist will feel some sense of

• Guilt
• Shame
• Embarrassment
• Remorse
• Regret
• Failure

We want to believe they will learn and grow from the experience, that they have capacity to change.

Their disorder doesn’t allow for that — at least not for more than a split second.

Getting to the root of it all

The narcissist’s disorder has walled off an intense amount of internal shame — shame about not being good enough, shame about being a failure.

Long ago, their idealized self, their persona, stepped into the forefront, the spotlight as a means of self-preservation and self-protection.

The narcissist must believe their idealized self is real, is who they truly are. To acknowledge otherwise would mean slipping into the pit of shame and despair with no way out. Their survival instincts won’t allow for that.

An overt narcissist will feel angry when you see them without their mask –

• Angry that you are no longer a good source of supply,
• Angry that they need to go find or upgrade a new primary, secondary, tertiary, quaternary, source of supply,
• Angry that you dare see them as anything other than perfect
• Angry that you think you’re better than them when clearly, you’re pathetic

A covert narcissist is different

The covert narcissist was counting on you to be a long-term source of narcissistic supply. They were also relying on you to be their top flying monkey, a strong proponent of their false narrative and false reality.

Now you see the truth.

The truth of who they are is so frightening, they can’t, they won’t see it for themselves.

The covert narcissist feels terrified. You may see the look of terror and desperation, their deer in the headlights moment, or it may be so brief that you miss it.

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

Next, they feel rage. They feel betrayed. They have slipped back into believing their idealized self is real and they cannot believe you’d say such horrible things about them.

They cannot believe you think they are

• Lying
• Sabotaging you
• Undermining you
• Dismissive
• Unable to take personal responsibility
• Manipulating you

From the lens of their disorder, you have become the enemy. You are not their loyal fan. You are not who they thought you were.

You are a person who makes horrible accusations, who lies, who is trying to hurt them. They believe you were manipulating them — and in the future, they’ll believe you’re manipulating the therapists, legal system, even your children.

They don’t feel like a failure because they believe you have failed them.

The covert narcissist’s persona ensures they are the victim and/or hero in every story.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: Does a Covert Narcissist Hope the Relationship is Forever? and Why Is a Covert Narcissist Terrified of You After the Discard?

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