Why is a Covert Narcissist Terrified of You After the Discard?
You are the victim, not the abuser.
Your relationship with a covert narcissist has ended.
Regardless of who initiated the discard, it wasn’t pretty.
Maybe the covert narcissist left you abruptly with no notice and no warning, leaving you struggling to understand what happened. Or maybe you decided you’d finally had enough and mustered up every ounce of strength you could find to leave.
Neither was easy, yet for the first time in a long time, you feel an inkling of peace.
You want to let go of your anger, your hurt, your confusion.
You want to heal, to feel like you again, to feel whole, instead of fragmented into many parts.
You want to put the relationship behind you and move forward.
The covert narcissist does not feel peace. They feel terror.
In fact, there is nothing scarier to a narcissist than losing all narcissistic supply and having their false reality, their house of cards, fall as their mask is ripped off for all the world to see.
These fears, this narcissistic script, is subconscious. The covert narcissist is not aware of their desperate need for narcissistic supply or preserving a false narrative. To them, their made-up world is real. They are unaware they are using people for supply.
Now in this state of terror, they are only able to react, not to respond. Their limbic system is activated, the emotional part of the brain that processes extreme fear.
The logical, thinking part of their brain is turned off — the prefrontal cortex. They cannot listen to reason and cannot access tools they may have learned to calm themselves.
Broca’s area, the speech area of the brain is also deactivated, which makes the covert narcissist unable to express themselves clearly.
“Another way to look at it is that trauma activates the limbic system, triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response and suppressing all rational, logical thinking, and making a person rather inarticulate about the problem. Not fun!” Release the Symptoms. Free Yourself. Dr Melissa Kalt, MD
The covert narcissist’s subsequent actions are driven by their subconscious fear, processed through their limbic system.
You are the threat that must be neutralized.
The covert narcissist sees you as their greatest threat and will do anything to neutralize this threat, even if you’ve peacefully walked away and are not threatening them.
The narcissist wants to strike first, strike hard, and show no mercy — like Cobra Kai.
They want to squash you before you even think about exposing them. They want to make you out to be so crazy, so dishonest, so disreputable that no one would listen to you if you tried.
How do they do this?
- Smearing you to their flying monkeys, your family, your friends, your co-workers
- Controlling the narrative
- Making you out to be a liar or crazy
- Diverting your attention to handle frivolous lawsuits, orders of protection, or financial disputes
- Threatening to reveal your secrets (even if you don’t have any)
- Abusive verbal or written communication
- Threatening physical harm
- Stalking you
They come at you with the desperate hunger of survival — the survival of their persona and their sources of narcissistic supply.
And it is all rooted in terror created by their own dysfunction.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: What Happens When You’re Nice to a Covert Narcissist? and Covert Narcissism 101: Document Everything
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