Summary

The article emphasizes the importance of meticulous documentation in interactions with covert narcissists to protect one's well-being and legal standing.

Abstract

The article "Covert Narcissism 101: Document Everything" by Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, underscores the necessity of documenting all communications when dealing with a covert narcissist. Covert narcissists are characterized as chronic liars who manipulate reality and use others, known as flying monkeys, to perpetuate their distortions and abuse. The author advises saving emails, text messages, social media posts, and written communications, as well as keeping a detailed journal of events with dates. This practice is not only for legal protection but also to maintain one's sanity amidst the confusion and gaslighting tactics employed by narcissists. The article also suggests documenting professional interactions involving the narcissist, such as those with doctors or therapists, to have an objective record of events. The overarching message is that thorough documentation serves as a defense against the narcissist's manipulations and provides a clear record of the truth.

Opinions

Covert narcissists are described as deceitful and manipulative individuals who create a destabilizing environment for those around them.
The author expresses that narcissists will go to great lengths to deny their actions, deflect blame, and manipulate others' perceptions, making documentation crucial.
It is the author's opinion that maintaining a detailed record of interactions can help preserve one's mental health and provide clarity in the face of the narcissist's attempts to distort reality.
The article suggests that narcissists will often try to undermine the victim's credibility, and having concrete evidence can counteract these efforts.
The author believes that even seemingly trivial communications can become significant over time and should be preserved.
Dr. Kalt emphasizes the importance of self-care and the maintenance of one's sanity as primary reasons for documenting everything, in addition to creating a verifiable record of events.
The author provides a disclaimer that the advice given is for informational purposes and not a substitute for professional medical or legal advice.

Covert Narcissism 101: Document Everything

The single best tip for surviving covert narcissism is: DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.

A covert narcissist is a liar. They lie about many things, big and small. They gaslight and distort your reality. They have flying monkeys who not only believe their lies, but who spread them, who confront you, who are complicit in your abuse. Covert narcissists create a cloud of confusion and fog everywhere they go.

They are like a sandstorm that destabilizes you. You can’t see. You can’t breathe. They negatively impact your health.

Documenting everything is the single best thing you can do. It’s like the scarf you pull up over your face to keep the sand out of your eyes, nose, and mouth.

Document, document, document

Document your email: Create an email folder for every narcissist in your life and save every communication, regardless of how important it seems. The email may seem completely innocous.

You and your ex coordinating pick up times for one of your children
Your father mentioning his nice vacation with your ex
You and your ex discussing your child’s desire to play football

Trust me, you may want that email someday. Keep it in a folder as part of your documentation.

Document your text messages: With any narcissist in your life — a significant other, a family member, a coworker, a boss, an acquaintance, another parent at your child’s school, a neighbor — save all text messages. Do not delete the string. Even if, and especially if, they text you something obnoxious, save those text messages.

If the text is something you want to be able to find again readily, without scrolling through weeks and weeks and weeks of text messages — take a screenshot. Then put the screenshot in a folder so you have documentation of the communication. You have confirmation that this narcissist in your life agreed to do something or agreed to let your child do something or was notified or made aware of something by you. That is gold. Document all written communications: Keep all handwritten notes, cards, and letters, any and all written documentation from that narcissist. Throw them in a folder. There may very well be a point in time when you want them and wish you had them. Document social media posts: If there is a narcissist in your life who is posting things about you, posting lies, posting to get the support of their flying monkeys, take a screenshot of those posts. That way, even if they delete them later, you still have proof of what they shared with the world. Document your own experience in a journal with dates: This one is helpful for a lot of reasons. It won’t necessarily hold up in a legal proceeding because you could write down anything from any date. (And believe me, the covert narcissist will say that’s exactly what you did.)

Journaling details still has significant power.

“You picked the kids up late on April 16th, September 5th, September 23rd and October 7th,” is a lot more powerful than, “You pick the kids up late all the time,”
“You came in late on these seven days and you left early on these three days this month,” is more powerful than “you’re always late or you’re always leaving early,” which they will easily discount. “No, that’s not true. Last Tuesday, I was here until 5:30,”
“We met for a coparenting discussion on Wednesday 2 weeks ago,” is a powerful counter against, “You’re never free to discuss the kids.”

Documenting conversations and experiences, is priceless. The details you think you’ll never forget will be forgotten in two weeks. What was your third child’s first word?

Professional services: Finally, document visits with your doctor, therapist, child’s principal, and any other professional. If there’s an incident between one of your children and a narcissist family member, ask the therapist that sees your child to jot a brief note of their impression from the day, so you have an ongoing record. Situations involving the police, child protective services, a teacher concerned for your child, your boss, risk management at your company, or any other professional in regard to a narcissist in your life are important to keep.

If you’re skimming, be sure to read this

There are two reasons to document everything.

A verifiable record of the truth

If a covert narcissist coworker agreed to do something, didn’t do it, and is called out by your boss for not doing it, what are they going to do?

They’re going to deny they ever agreed to do it
They’re going to deflect the conversation and bring up something you didn’t do
They will find a way to make their lack of follow-through your fault
They’re going to dismiss dropping the ball as being no big deal
They’re going to devalue you in some way

Your documentation carries a lot more weight than he said, she said.

A text from your ex declining placement on scheduled days
A card thanking you for outstanding service from your boss
An email from your coworker agreeing to complete part of a project

A verifiable record of the truth is irrefutable. When you’re dealing with a covert narcissist, you cannot trust anything they say. They are compulsive liars. They will say anything to make things go their way. Your documentation may be the only thing you have to show the world that what you’re saying is true.

Your sanity

This is the most important reason to document everything.

Covert narcissists are so masterful, and their setup is so long, that despite voluminous evidence from credible sources, the flying monkeys will still believe and stand by them.

They will convince your family, your friends, your church, your community, your coworkers, and the legal system that you are the problem, that what you say isn’t true.

They have already cultivated massive amounts of self-doubt in you.

You are a caring, empathic person who will sit and wonder for years, if not the rest of your lifetime, whether or not you are the narcissist, whether or not something was wrong with you, whether or not these things actually happened.

When the whole world says you made everything up, you will be able to go back to your documentation and know with certainty, “No, I didn’t.” Even if you only say it silently to yourself, even if the rest of the world does not believe you, documentation proves to you, “No, this was not me. This is not about me. This is about the covert narcissist. What they are saying is a lie.”

Documenting everything when dealing with a covert narcissist preserves both a verifiable record of the truth and your sanity. A record of your past allows you to rise above it and move forward into your future.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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