What Happens When You’re Nice to a Covert Narcissist?
When it feels like they’re trying to destroy you
The covert narcissist is not trying to destroy you. They believe you are trying to destroy them, and they are protecting themselves from you.
The covert narcissist sees you as a threat to their made-up version of reality and their narcissistic supply from the flying monkeys who are drawn into that false narrative.
They created this new version of reality during childhood as a defense mechanism, to avoid feeling extreme shame about who they are. They’ve carefully crafted every detail of this story, painstakingly — lie after lie. They have deceived hundreds, if not thousands of people.
The covert narcissist believes this new story. They like this version better. In their mind, “history has been changed.”
Their two primary functions in life are to preserve their false narrative and to receive narcissistic supply, which is like life force energy to them. Both are required for their survival.
Here you come looking to improve the relationship — sharing your feelings about their negative behaviors, calling them out on their lies, asking for accountability.
You are threatening their self-image of being a good person, a good partner. You are threatening the false narrative they’ve believed for decades.
They are so terrified by this threat they seek to decimate it.
Their destructive behavior is not personal.
They are like Don Quixote tilting at windmills, attacking their imaginary enemies.
What are you to do?
As a kind, compassionate person, you want to stop their hurt and stop them from hurting you.
It’s only natural to show them kindness.
When you are nice to a covert narcissist while they are in fear and being destructive to you, they will believe you are
- Being fake
- Trying to manipulate them
- Being passive-aggressive
- Trying to manipulate their flying monkeys
Your kindness will also increase their sense of shame, the very emotion they’re desperately trying to avoid.
As a result, they will double down on their efforts to destroy your threat.
You may think this means you should not be nice, instead sinking to their level.
Yet, that’s so wrong.
Stooping to their level may feel great short-term but will only make you feel badly long-term. Why? It’s not you.
Yes, it is essential you set boundaries to end your abuse. You are responsible for taking care of you.
You matter
But in the end, when all is said and done, the only relationship that matters is the one you have with yourself.
- Have you let yourself down?
- Have you let others mistreat you?
- Have you been too scared to take a stand for your own wellbeing?
- Have you turned your back on who you are?
- Have you lost all connection (abandoned) yourself?
- Have you become someone you’re not?
Treating others with kindness, respect, and compassion is aligned with the truth of who you are. It keeps you in integrity with yourself.
When life draws to an end, will you look back on your behavior today with pride or regret?
At the end of mine, I hope to have no regrets.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: How Do You Apologize to a Narcissist? and What Makes a Covert Narcissist Regret Leaving You?
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