How Do You Apologize to a Narcissist?

Take accountability and self-responsibility for what you can.

Like forgiveness, the act of apologizing is for healing you. It is the opportunity to acknowledge what you did/said, apologize, and when appropriate, repair the situation.

This apology has nothing to do with the narcissist. It is about healing you.

The part you can own (your word, thought, or action) is out of integrity with the truth of who you are. You are not an angry, vengeful, short-tempered being. You are Divine.

Offering an apology gives you an opportunity to forgive yourself and come back into wholeness. It is also incredibly empowering.

I remember coming home from work after a long day about 10 years ago. My workday as a doctor was always chaotic. Patients every 15 minutes. No time to pee, much less eat. Rushing to get home for dinner and evening kid activities. (With five kids, it was always busy.) I had a lot of push me/pull me emotions. I LOVED my children and couldn’t wait to see them. On the other hand, my ex often created some sort of chaos and sabotage, which was just too much to bear.

I got home shortly before my father picked my 13-year-old up for her riding lesson. She couldn’t find her riding boots and was wandering around looking at the ceiling.

There was so much going through my mind –

her not putting things away (how do you lose riding boots??)

• her inability to look for them
• our shared love of horses and my desire for her to enjoy her experience
• my guilt about staying home to breastfeed my youngest rather than take her myself
• my ex-husband’s lack of meaningful help
• my scarcity about money and the fact that she couldn’t ride if she was late or without boots
• all amplified by knowing my father would somehow see this as my fault.

I lost it. I started yelling. It was not my best moment.

I was triggered and lost my cool. I let my own fear drive an over-reaction, rather than choosing to respond. I own that.

I apologized to everyone, including the narcissists.

My reaction was out of alignment with the truth of who I am.

• I have everything I need and value people more than money.
• I care about my daughter’s wellbeing and joy more than circumstance.
• I don’t need my father’s approval.
• I am Love.

That is what is real.

Apologizing brought me back into alignment.

Did I receive an apology for the sabotage? No. For the carefully designed chaos? No. For my father’s constant criticism? No.

Did it matter? No.

Let it go

Let go of the desire to get a true apology back — you won’t.

Let go of any goals of the apology. It will not improve your relationship with the narcissist. It will not make them love you more. It will not prevent future devaluing.

An apology will also not give away your power or your self-esteem — unless you let it.

Own your part fully and own only what’s yours. You bear no responsibility for the narcissist’s actions. You did not cause his behavior and are not responsible for his emotions.

Take action

Apologizing is not a version of forgive and forget. You are responsible for keeping yourself safe and choosing relationships healthy for you. If the narcissist in your life does not honor your boundaries, take accountability, or otherwise treat you with respect, take action. Leave or change the relationship.

Your apology does not give the narcissist a pass.

And, at times, it may not be safe for you to apologize out loud. In those instances, take accountability, and apologize to yourself for your thought, word, or action that brought you out of alignment.

Examine what, if anything, you might do differently in the future.

Forgive yourself with compassion.

Then let it go.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.