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Abstract

p id="db15">For example, my husband put a stop to my way of trying to get our son to eat his meals and stop being fussy because it just wasn’t working. After a certain period of time of him implementing his own way of doing things, which was firmer and stricter than I would’ve liked, I started to see some changes in my son and how he would sit down to eat the entire plate of food in front of him.</p><p id="21fa">Now, Andriel looks forward to sitting down next to his parents and mostly eats his entire plate, including the veg. My husband was right, and I was wrong — at least for a period of time (because no one knows the future and kids are unpredictable!)</p><p id="60fc"><b>But my husband didn’t say “I told you so”.</b> He didn’t discredit me as a mother, even if I did question my own decision making. He understood that being wrong is not a bad thing, and also, that <b>I wasn’t “wrong” to begin with</b>. Some things work, and some things don’t work for our children. And some things work for a while and then need to be changed. And that’s OK.</p><p id="4e9d">Parenting, while continuous, is flexible.</p><p id="ec93"><a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-successfully-wing-it-d39222a3d808">And we are all winging it.</a></p><h1 id="101b">Lowering Expectations Is Empowering</h1><p id="cde5">I have this constant need as the main caregiver to simply know what to do and get it right — especially after all the research I do on many aspects of parenting. But the thing is, it is only because of my own expectations that we get upset when things don’t work out. We paint a picture of how things will go, and when they don’t go our way, we self-criticise.</p><p id="3b33">Recently, I have been struggling to make the decision of whether to send our son to daycare. Because of the recent lockdowns, I feared that he wasn’t getting enough social stimulation and he needed to spend more time with other children. We decided to send him to a local nursery two mornings a week.</p><p id="fec8">But that wasn’t my only reason for wanting to send him there. I also needed more time to really step up my game as a writer, begin marketing myself and really work on my book.</p><p id="fa4a">But I’m tired of questioning myself, and <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-get-what-you-want-1973fd008ecb">since taking the road to self-care</a> in order to be a better mother and person, I decided that my reasons were as good as any to send Andriel to daycare at the age of 27 months.</p><p id="d466">It has only been a few weeks, and so far, he does not look forward to going there. I feel in fact he has become shier and clingier than usual. This makes me question once again whether what I am doing is right, and whether the caregivers at the centre are doing right by my son.</p><p id="93a8"><b>I’m ready to assign blame and judge because this is what we do as people growing up in today’s society.</b></p><div id="5778" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/learning-to-enjoy-motherhood-guilt-free-966e7fa38d58"> <div> <div> <h2>Learning To Enjoy Motherhood Guilt-Free</h2> <div><h3>undefined</h3></div> <div><p>undefined</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*o44YftcYVXjSo_va)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="d0f8">But I have to remember that it will solve nothing. I need to readjust my expectations and remind myself that everything takes time and that obstacles are all part of the journey, including my son’s settling in time at daycare.</p><p id="1231">He will get there because he is a strong and sociable little boy. He will be fine because he will still have an abundance of love at home waiting for him when he gets back and throughout the rest of the week. But I cannot decide how and when he will be running happily into nursery in the mornings — that’s a picture I need to let go of, but treasure if it happens.</p><p id="b15a">Sometimes, it

Options

is our expectations that need change, not our circumstances. We have to be OK with hiccups in parenting. Rather, we need not see them as hiccups, but as part of the process of bringing up children. After all, we are only human.</p><h1 id="7806">Takeaway</h1><figure id="facf"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*0ZLtDIAU40LQtOeo"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@drezart?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Andrae Ricketts</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="f3a0">I believe in a mother’s instinct, but I don’t believe in the expectation that it will be there when we need it. If that expectation isn’t met then we will be more than ready to assign blame, and it won’t help us grow as parents or as individuals. In fact, I think that the constant need to meet these expectations is what causes us to feel like a failure at some point in our lives.</p><p id="b5d4">Instead, I recommend a more supportive plan, where advice can be handed out without coming across as all-knowing and dismissive of the parent. We can learn not to feel offended at others’ suggestions in the same way that others can learn not to be judgemental. I advise that others do get involved in taking care of kids, in a non-judgemental “I-told-you-so” way when the main interest is that of the child — not of themselves.</p><p id="1680">Most importantly, we have to learn that <b>mistakes are normal</b>, and most of the time, they’re not life-threatening. We are all human after all, and that makes us susceptible to countless errors over the course of time. In modern parenting, most parents are learning not to scold their kids when they make mistakes because it’s detrimental to their confidence building. <i>We should take that same approach with ourselves and other adults.</i></p><p id="93d5">So, let’s cut ourselves a little slack, and lower that pressure to get it right. Nobody is born a parent with experience.</p><div id="2a67" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/redefining-the-concept-of-happiness-16e5524c2b2d"> <div> <div> <h2>Redefining the Concept of Happiness</h2> <div><h3>How I’m learning about fulfilment from my toddler son.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*6xDaJcMnjn9r6Bow)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="88c4" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-battle-with-anger-as-a-parent-24e7837c5fac"> <div> <div> <h2>My Battle With Anger As a Parent</h2> <div><h3>Ensuring our son feels loved regardless of our feelings.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Me4slkvdZGGCbsbjqQ_7bg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c95b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-husband-is-a-damn-good-father-de20d1ef2217"> <div> <div> <h2>My Husband Is A Damn Good Father</h2> <div><h3>And he deserves praise.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Oqw-YSI_IVOLn-k0)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="7dcc"><b><i>Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. <a href="https://medium.com/@sylviaemokpae">See more work like this</a>.</i></b></p><p id="f728"><a href="https://twitter.com/SylviaEmokpae"><b>Follow her</b></a><b> on Twitter.</b></p></article></body>

Why Does a Covert Narcissist Make Such Crazy Accusations?

They reap benefits in four different ways

You’ve been on the wrong side of a covert narcissist.

Maybe you’ve felt their wrath post-breakup.

Maybe you’ve been the target of a full-on smear campaign.

The accusations thrown at you were crazy, heinous even, with no semblance of truth.

Why do they do it? What do they get out of it?

The covert narcissist benefits in four different ways from these accusations.

#1 Hurt the victim

The covert narcissist accuses the victim of doing horrible, heinous things. These typically are character attacks designed to hurt the most.

For example,

The victim is honest to a tee. The covert narcissist accuses the victim of lying to the court.
The victim is transparent and forthright. The covert narcissist accuses the victim of hiding money offshore.
The victim is loyal and faithful, openly denouncing infidelity. The covert narcissist accuses the victim of affairs.

#2 Destabilize the victim

The craziness of the accusations is strategic, even if subconscious.

First, the victim is confused, destabilized. It’s almost like muscle memory taking them back into the confusion, brain fog, and destabilization from gaslighting during the relationship.

When the victim is destabilized, they are weak. The covert narcissist is more likely to get what they want.

Next, the victim will defend themselves frenetically against these types of accusations, this attack on their character. They have a strong desire to be seen and heard as their true self.

The victim’s defensiveness makes them seem crazy and gives the covert narcissist supply.

Keeping them on the defensive also prevents the victim’s offense. They’re too busy trying to gain stability to do anything else.

Finally, the victim is unprepared to counter ridiculous accusations because they are entirely unexpected. They do not have witness statements to attest these things didn’t happen.

#3 Gain support of their flying monkeys

The covert narcissist gains so much sympathy and support from sharing these ridiculous stories and accusations.

There, there, you deserve so much better.
She never really loved you.
I don’t know how you put up with him for so long.

#4 Bolster their made-up version of reality

The covert narcissist uses heinous accusations to reinforce their false narrative, their made-up version of reality.

The judge, the church, the jury of peers believes the covert narcissist.

In the covert narcissist’s mind, it makes what they said true. Subconsciously they are thinking,

See, he did have a lot of affairs.
She did hide assets.
She was verbally abusive to me in public.
He did set out to scam me out of my life’s savings.

None of those things are true.

The covert narcissist has taken a bad situation (that they created) and made themselves both the hero and the victim. This elevates their status in their made-up world.

Contrast the victim

The victim also describes ridiculous, unbelievable things the narcissist has done — so unbelievable that no one believes them despite the fact that these statements are true.

Then there are the subtle things the covert narcissist has done — subtle ways the covert narcissist has undermined and sabotaged their existence several times daily for decades.

Covert narcissistic abuse is called “death by a thousand cuts” for a reason.

The narcissist has “accidentally” deleted the project they were finalizing — again.
The narcissist “accidentally” shrunk their favorite sweater while doing a load of laundry.
The narcissist hid their slippers, just to watch the victim look for them.
The narcissist told their couple friends that the victim’s job is on the line, when the victim just got a promotion.
The narcissist has painted the victim as controlling, to avoid being held responsible.

The victim’s accusations either sound so small as to be petty or sound so crazy, that they can’t possibly be true.

No one believes that anyone would behave that way — until they’ve experienced it.

Notice, the victim is embarrassed to share their stories. Either no one believes them, or they look weak and pathetic for staying with someone who was abusing them.

In this no-win situation, why do they share their story?

To give truth a voice.
To seek justice.
To explain their actions.

Final thoughts

The covert narcissist doesn’t invest effort if it doesn’t bring great value.

They don’t gain just one of these benefits. When done correctly, they gain all four benefits.

The victim faces their fear and takes the risk associated with sharing their story for justice and truth.

When you want to know who is the covert narcissist and who is the victim, look beyond the circumstances. Read between the lines. Recognize what’s really playing out before your very eyes.

It’s obvious if you look for it.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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