11 Ways to Discern the Covert Narcissist Victim from the Covert Narcissist

Yes, it’s possible to discern and yes, it’s your responsibility

You feel like you’re in a no-win situation.

You’re tasked with choosing where to stand during or after a divorce.

• Maybe you were friends with one or both of the parties.
• Maybe you’re family.
• Maybe you’re one party’s lawyer.
• Maybe you’re the guardian ad litem or judge.
• Maybe you’re the pastor.
• Maybe you’re the therapist asked to see the parties or the children.
• Maybe you’re the family’s doctor.

You want to be objective, to see the situation clearly, but they say completely contradictory things. You just don’t know who to believe.

They both sound like victims. They both say the other did horrible things. They both “chose” to stay in this marriage for decades, so it can’t have been that bad, can it?

You expect them to think and behave in a neurotypical fashion. Yet one of them is a covert narcissist. The covert narcissist thinks and behaves through a lens of disorder.

And unless you recognize the disorder, you’ll never see the truth.

11 Ways to Discern Covert Narcissist from Victim

I invite you to consider the differences, to learn to recognize the subtle signs, to look for the pattern. These are not hard and fast rules. Those with narcissistic personality disorder are on a spectrum of severity. Victims are on a spectrum of healing.

That said, it is possible to recognize the signs. Once you know what you’re looking for, it becomes difficult to unsee them. The world, or at least this situation, becomes clearer.

#1 Documentation

Victims have an abundance of evidence. I know, I know. Both sides have evidence. Wrong. Victims have real, tangible evidence from credible sources. They have handwritten letters, texts, emails, and voicemails from the narcissist. They have communication from the school, the children’s therapists, maybe even the narcissist’s therapist. They have financial records. Some have video recordings of abuse. They have saved EVERYTHING — even if only recently.

The covert narcissist’s “evidence” is testimony of their flying monkeys. Often these people are extremely far removed from the situation. They haven’t seen the victim in years. They have no first-hand knowledge of the situation. Their testimony is hearsay. The narcissist will not supply you with anything that definitively backs up their statement, because it doesn’t exist. They are lying.

Hot tip: Victims are desperate to show their evidence to anyone willing to look at it. They have been lied to and lied about for so long, they want someone to see the truth. They want to no longer be alone in this fight against a distorted reality.

#2 Playing the victim vs being the victim

The covert narcissist plays the victim, seeking sympathy.

• “I’ve been doing everything I can for years to get more time with my kids,” when solid evidence doesn’t support that.
• “I just don’t know why he’d say such horrible things about me,” when documentation shows those horrible things are true.
• “She made up the abuse to get favor in the divorce,” when the custody and financial settlement agreements were reached by both parties in mediation.

The victim has been victimized and seeks justice. The victim wants you to see the truth. They don’t need or want your sympathy.

Hot tip: The covert narcissist must be either the victim or the hero (bonus points if both) in every story. The victim cares about sharing the truth. They do not need nor want to be seen as a hero or a victim.

#3 Accountability and responsibility

The covert narcissist avoids accountability and taking responsibility. They have an excuse for everything. They dismiss everything else.

• The kids said I hit them because they wanted to make her happy.
• It wasn’t my fault I was late to get the kids. He didn’t remind me.
• It was a long time ago. Why can’t we just let this go?

The victim takes too much responsibility. This is the victim’s pattern — until they heal — to take responsibility for everything, even other’s actions.

• I should have noticed the signs sooner.
• It’s my fault the kids are in this situation.
• I was so stupid to believe he’d change.

Hot tip: The covert narcissist deflects all responsibility. The victim accepts all responsibility, until they heal and break that pattern.

#4 The story

The covert narcissist’s story changes. Why? Because they are adapting the story for the current situation. Sometimes they tell a story for sympathy. Other times, they tell it for laughs (attention). Still other times, to manipulate an outcome.

Say the covert narcissist leaves kids in the car while running into the store and a police officer stops by and talks to the kids through the window, then waits for the covert narcissist to come out. The police officer gives a verbal warning not to leave kids unattended in the car again.

The covert narcissist tells friends the story in a funny, self-deprecating way.

• It was a really dumb thing to do.
• I thought I’d just be inside for a minute, but there was a long line. (lack of accountability)
• Thank goodness, they just gave me a warning.
• I’m a really good dad.

When the same story is brought up by the victim to a therapist or the legal system, the covert narcissist responds, “That never happened.”

The victim’s story, on the other hand, may contain additional details or context, but remains consistent over time and regardless of to whom they are telling it.

Hot tip: The victim’s story doesn’t change.

#5 Size of the accusations

The covert narcissist accuses the victim of doing horrible, heinous things. These typically are character attacks where it would be perceived to hurt the most, for that is the goal.

For example,

• The victim is financially very responsible, supporting the entire family. The covert narcissist accuses the victim of stealing shared funds.
• The victim strives to be thoughtful and generous. The covert narcissist accuses the victim of never giving a birthday or Christmas present, despite being together for decades.
• The victim believes in sacred sexuality. The covert narcissist accuses the victim of affairs.

This is strategic. The victim will defend themselves frenetically against these types of accusations, which makes them seem crazy and gives the covert narcissist supply.

The victim, on the other hand, describes subtle things the covert narcissist has done — subtle ways the covert narcissist has undermined and sabotaged their existence several times daily for decades. This form of abuse is called “death by a thousand cuts” for a reason.

• The narcissist has “accidentally” deleted their calendar — again.
• The narcissist “accidentally” ruined their favorite sweater while doing a load of laundry.
• The narcissist hid their keys, just to watch the victim look for them.
• The narcissist told family that the victim is the one always running late.
• The narcissist has painted the victim as controlling, to avoid being held responsible.

Hot tip: The victim’s accusations either sound so small as to be petty or sound so crazy, that they can’t possibly be true. It is unbelievable that anyone would behave that way — until you experience it.

#6 Object Constancy

The covert narcissist lacks object constancy. They see someone as “all good” or “all bad,” and this can flip in a split second. The victim, on the other hand, has developed object relations and is able to see both the good and the bad at the same time.

The covert narcissist will say things to the victim like,

• That’s right. Nothing I ever do is good enough.
• Oh yeah. I get it. I’m a horrible person.
• Don’t worry. I kept my dangerous self away from your children.

The victim will respond, “I never said that,” with a confused look.

The covert narcissist will say to the legal system, church authorities, or anyone who will listen,

• She never loved me.
• He was using me all along.
• She played me.
• He only cared about what I could do for him.

A victim may resort to very black and white thinking and say those things, too, if they are early in their healing process. More likely, though, the victim might say,

• She’s a really good mom.
• He puts a lot of effort into his job.
• We had a lot of good times, before the bad.
• I miss the man I married.

Hot tip: The victim can hold alternate perspectives at the same time. The covert narcissist cannot.

#7 Manipulation

The covert narcissist will manipulate any situation to their advantage.

• Requesting a meeting time when they know the victim isn’t available, so the victim appears difficult.
• Filing legal paperwork shortly after the victim leaves on a 3-week trip, so the victim appears non-compliant with the court.
• Inviting the victim to yell, shout, and get everything off their chest — while recording it to be used later.

The victim doesn’t need to play games or manipulate the facts. They believe the truth speaks for itself. They are completely shocked when professionals fall for obvious manipulation tactics and dismiss the truth.

Hot tip: A victim believes the truth stands on its own (then is shocked when it doesn’t).

#8 Lies vs truth

Often, it’s assumed that both sides are lying.

You know the expression — There’s his side. There’s her side. Then there’s the truth.

With neurotypical people who have different perspectives, this is often true. Not so, in this situation.

The covert narcissist lies so often about big and small things that it’s easy to catch them in a lie. The victims are committed to truth and don’t lie.

Hot tip: When you catch one party in a lie, no matter how small, it is a HUGE red flag that nothing they say can be trusted.

#9 “Story” vs perspective

A covert narcissist’s flying monkeys’ stories are all identical. Why? Because they have no first-hand knowledge of the truth. They are regurgitating the narcissist’s story. Because the narcissist has told so many people, and the flying monkey has thus heard it from so many sources, it seems like common knowledge. They believe it is true.

Victim’s witnesses give varied and balanced perspectives in their testimony. They have different details, different points of view. They also see the good and bad in the covert narcissist and the victim.

Hot tip: Identical stories indicate a false narrative that has been shared widely.

#10 Privately vs openly

The covert narcissist wants to share things in confidence. They don’t want the victim to know what they’re saying. They don’t want numerous witnesses to what they’ve said. It’s very difficult to manage their massive web of lies.

• Don’t say that I told you this, but…
• I don’t want her to know I shared…
• He’ll make me pay if he knows I told you…

The victim is comfortable speaking openly. Victims are motivated by truth. They believe the truth sets everyone free. They want the covert narcissist to acknowledge the truth, so that they can all move on. The victim is truly dumbfounded when this doesn’t happen.

Exception: There are times when it’s not safe for a victim to be in the same room with the covert narcissist or to speak openly.

Hot tip: The victim wishes to speak openly.

#11 Crazy vs not crazy

The covert narcissist says the victim is crazy. To the outside world, the victim looks crazy. Why?

• Confusion about the situation
• The desperate need to defend against accusations
• The voluminous amount of evidence they keep
• The fact that they won’t let things go
• Their inability to articulate or prove what they know to be true

The victim, on some level or another, has known something was wrong for a long time. They didn’t have the experience or language to know and express what it was. Even if they did, they couldn’t prove it — the covert narcissist was the master of plausible deniability.

The victim may talk about the covert narcissist’s history of anxiety, their history of childhood trauma, their lying, their deception. They have specific language for these things. They don’t use bucket terms, like crazy.

Hot tip: Bucket terms like “crazy” and “mentally ill” are red flags that a covert narcissist is using them.

Hot tip #2: If one of the parties seems crazy, re-read this list. They may very well be the victim.

The devil is in the details of the pattern

Look, unless you’re the psychiatric consult, no one is asking you to diagnose either one of these parties.

You are, however, obligated to discern the truth, to see what’s really going on, then to act accordingly. By not doing so, you help perpetuate the abuse.

Think of a large patchwork quilt, each square standing alone, yet being part of the whole. Each square becomes part of the quilt pattern.

When you zoom out to seeing this situation as the quilt, then zoom in on the details, you start to see the pattern.

Some statements or incidents may not yet be clear, but as you complete more squares, the pattern starts to take shape — only if you’re looking for it.

You have the power to change lives for the better. Use it wisely.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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