10 Strategies to Use When Ending a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist

How to mitigate your risks without losing yourself

This is a very difficult and sticky situation.

Ending a relationship with a covert narcissist will be seen as an attack, an attack against their persona. They will battle you — they are fighting for their survival. You have become the enemy.

It’s not going to be pretty, no matter how amicable and collaborative you wish to be. Know this. It’s not possible for it to be otherwise.

That said, these 10 strategies will help you break free without losing yourself in the process.

Enlist Psychological Support

Given that most covert narcissist relationships last DECADES, you likely need some extra support when you leave.

A therapist, will help you see the situation clearly, teach you skills and resources to use moving forward, and will be a solid source of support when you waver — and you will.

• You’ll feel like maybe you misjudged them and feel so loved during a hoover.
• Self-doubt will creep in.
• Your friends and family will question your judgment.
• Things will become antagonistic, rather than amicable.
• You’ll fear financial ruin, losing your children, losing all your other relationships, losing your job because you can’t stop crying.
• You’ll want to stop the brutal smear campaign.

At some point it will seem easier to go back, to give up. You need someone who won’t let you slide backwards into Hell again.

Enlist Legal Support

If you live together, have children together, or own a business together, talk to an attorney.

You have no idea how ugly things can get and how fast. It’s helpful to know what the ramifications are if you…

• Leave the house you both live in, but you own
• Take your children to your parents’ home
• Leave the house you mutually own
• Spend or transfer money
• Change the locks on your home
• Remove their access to your business bank account

The list goes on, but you get the idea. It’s helpful to have guidance on the front end, before things get ugly.

Document Everything

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Document everything.

• Document and save every email, text message, and hand-written letter.
• Make copies of bank and investment account balances and statements.
• Keep copies of police reports, child protection reports, and therapist reports.
• Keep all voicemails.

Make sure you have a copy of everything you might need if you are suddenly locked out of your home.

Make at least 2 copies (digital or hard copies) and keep them in separate locations.

This sounds extreme. It’s not. It’s practical.

Find a Safe Home for Your Most Important Things

Think things that are irreplaceable or difficult to replace.

• Your passport and IDs
• Your diplomas, certifications, licenses and other important paper work
• Your children’s baby photos
• Your photo albums
• Family jewelry you inherited
• Items your children made for you

The covert narcissist knows what’s important to you and how to hurt you.

Take Care of You

• Make sure you are drinking enough water and eating well
• Get plenty of sleep
• Make time for exercise
• Get out in nature, meditate, go to yoga — whatever calms you
• Be kind to yourself. No one expects you to be perfect.

Keep Growing in Awareness and Education

Doubt will set in. Be prepared.

• Keep reading.
• Watch videos.
• Ask questions of people you trust

The more you see the tactics and traits of covert narcissists, the harder it will be to unsee them.

Own Your Own Triggers

Your emotional triggers are yours to resolve. Sure, the narcissist did something — likely something terrible — but if you’re triggered, that’s yours.

The sooner you realize that, the sooner your healing journey begins.

To be clear, a response is carefully chosen by your logical, thinking brain.

An emotionally triggered reaction bypasses the logical brain altogether and is driven by the emotional brain. It’s a neural pathway, activated by the trigger. These reactions are often something one regrets.

Say, the covert narcissist yells and screams, “Why are you doing this to me? You’re sick in the head. You never loved me.”

• Response: You end the conversation until your boundaries can be respected.
• Reaction: You yell, scream, cry, plead, defend yourself, and feel knots in your stomach, shortness of breath, heart racing, and confusion.

Be Gentle with The Narcissist’s Self-Esteem

Is it your job? No. Is it to your benefit? Yes.

I am not suggesting manipulating them. That benefits no one.

What I am suggesting is being painstakingly aware that when their self-esteem drops and they feel excessive internal shame, they lose all ability to emotionally regulate, and you will bear the brunt of their wrath.

Why not avoid that if at all possible?

How?

• Do not tell them they are a narcissist.
• Do not tell them they are disordered.
• Do not tell them they are evil.
• Do not tell them they deserve every hardship they get.
• Do not threaten to unmask them to the world.
• Do not provoke them.

Why? First, it’s extremely dangerous. Second, it’s not helpful. They do not have the ability to gain insight from what you are saying and change. It will only make them feel greater shame.

What do you do instead?

You be a neutral, kind, honest, non-aggravating, gray rock.

• I’m going to stay at my sister’s until I can get a new place. I don’t want to displace you.
• I’ll have the kids call you when we get there. I’m sure they’ll miss you.
• Thanks for picking up the mail. I appreciate it.
• I’ll email you a copy of the calendar, so you know when your doctor appointments are.
• Would you like to sit together or apart at the choir concert next week? (Only if you feel safe with either option. Set and enforce your boundaries. Respect theirs, as well.)
• Thanks for dropping off the kids’ clothes. I know you’re busy.

Most of these are things you’d say to a neurotypical friend. You’d show appreciation. You’d show consideration.

You can show consideration toward a covert narcissist without compromising your boundaries or remaining stuck in the trap.

Pay Attention

If you read my article on a comprehensive definition of a covert narcissist, you know that they are attention-seeking. They want to be relevant. They want attention, whether positive or negative.

Why not make it positive attention and help them maintain their level of self-esteem?

Say you’re at court-ordered mediation and you’re both waiting in the lobby.

• You could be contentious and move across the room, turn your back in a huff, or tell them off.
• You could ask them about their recent vacation, how their new job is going, or ask about their mom.

Which do you think will result in more amicable and collaborative discussions just moments later?

Again, this is not about putting yourself in an unsafe situation (if you feel unsafe you need to tell your attorney beforehand, so you’re not in this situation), manipulating for your own gain, doing something out of integrity, or ignoring your own boundaries.

It’s about realizing that separating from a disordered human being is hard — for both of you. Why make it harder when you can give them what they need without compromising yourself?

Find Quality Support

Look, this will be the dark night of your Soul in ways you never imagined.

• You will have friends and family stand with the covert narcissist.
• You will have professionals, colleagues, neighbors, friends, and family question your decision-making and worse.
• You will discover things that have been said about you for years, that are unfathomable.
• You will be exploring yourself and feeling strong, then weak, then strong again — sometimes in a matter of minutes.
• You will agonize over whether you are the narcissist.

You need someone in your corner, preferably someone who understands covert narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

Some of these strategies I knew and some I wish I’d known.

What strategies work for you?

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: If Covert Narcissists are Subtle, How Can They Be Dangerous? and Why Is a Covert Narcissist Terrified of You After the Discard?

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