If Covert Narcissists are Subtle, How Can They Be Dangerous?
Your blindfolded journey to sheer devastation.
The covert narcissist’s ability to move undetected through the world makes them extremely dangerous.
Picture yourself walking down a city street after a performance on a Friday night. A young person, dressed in all black, wearing a ski mask, approaches you and steals your purse. You feel scared, angry, and grateful for being unharmed all at once.
You go home, call your friends, call your mom, share your experience. You feel warmth, love, and understanding. You feel supported.
You can consciously choose differently in the future to reduce your risk of recurrence — walking with a group of people, taking an Uber to the door, being very aware of your surroundings, carrying a whistle, etc.
But, how do you defend yourself against an undetectable threat?
Now picture yourself walking with a group of friends on a beach in daylight. Your purse is stolen right off your arm, yet the thief is invisible. You didn’t see or feel anyone, yet your purse is gone. Your friends didn’t see anything either, yet they were surrounding you.
They didn’t see anything, so they don’t believe your purse could have been stolen. They try to convince you that you must have left it at home.
You grow more and more confused. Your purse was there a minute ago — you pulled out your lip balm at the last stop light, you pulled your wallet out at the coffee shop, you remember it sitting on your lap as you slid over to make room on a bench. Yet everyone says that can’t be true.
How can 10 friends you love and trust be wrong?
You go home and call your mom and 10 more friends to share what happened? They don’t believe this unbelievable story.
You feel more confused.
Your purse is gone.
In this situation, what can you do differently to prevent a recurrence? How do you prevent the theft of your purse by an invisible thief who is able to move in and out of your space without anyone noticing?
The young person with the ski mask is the overt narcissist.
The invisible, undetectable thief is the covert narcissist.
The invisible, undetectable thief
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, your self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence deteriorate as you are devalued again and again. You become confused. You learn to trust the narcissist’s memories more than your own. You learn to stop setting boundaries that are regularly violated. You lose your sense of self.
When the narcissist is overt, you see the abuse. You notice the putdowns, the sabotage, the betrayals. You can consciously choose to change your situation.
When the narcissist is covert, you’re being beaten down figuratively by the invisible, undetectable thief. You grow more and more miserable, more and more exhausted, more and more confused — yet you believe something is wrong with you — and so does the rest of the world.
When you decide to leave an overt narcissist, the response is often unanimously positive from family and friends.
- I always hated that guy.
- I never liked the way she treated you.
- He is so full of himself.
- She never deserved you.
Interestingly, this is precisely the same response a covert narcissist will get from their friends and family after separating from the victim. They have groomed their flying monkeys to believe it to be true.
When you decide to leave a covert narcissist, the response is unanimously negative from family and friends.
- What? Why? He’s so nice.
- Oh my gosh! She’s such a catch.
- Are you sure? Seriously?
- It doesn’t really sound that bad. Are you sure you want to break up your family?
- It sounds like you’re too sensitive.
- You see the worst in people. Maybe you should see a therapist.
The sheer devastation
The victim of a covert narcissist not only loses that relationship, but they also lose themselves and most, if not all, their friends and family in the process.
They struggle to heal and recover from the most heinous abuse alone.
They get hit with false accusations in lawsuits, restraining orders, and online bullying to try to keep them weak, under the covert narcissist’s power and control.
They get smeared publicly by the narcissist and by their own family and friends.
They realize that no one shares their memories. Everyone else holds a memory seen through the lens that the covert narcissist created.
It’s almost as if their previous 30, 40, 50, 60, or more years didn’t happen. There is no remembering what a great time you had on that camping trip with your friends. Your friends’ memories have been distorted.
Recovery feels like going into witness protection. It requires leaving nearly every relationship you thought you had behind. For many, it requires starting over in a new city or state, starting a new job, and finding new friends.
While the tactics are subtle, the effects on the victim are devastating.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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