What is a Comprehensive Definition of a Covert Narcissist?

Making sense of the senseless

You’ve heard the term. Maybe you believe you’re in a relationship with one.

But can you be sure?

Lots of people throw around opinions and experiences.

But what are the facts? What exactly is covert, or vulnerable, narcissism?

And more importantly, how do you interpret clinical criteria in your own relationships? What does it look like?

Let’s start with the clinical guidelines

The most described criteria come from DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, American Psychiatric Association), though these criteria were updated to include alternative criteria in 2011.

According to DSM-IV, diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder requires five or more of the following nine criteria:

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Feels special and unique and believes should only associate with other high-status people
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement
6. Is interpersonally exploitative
7. Lacks empathy
8. Is often envious of others or believes they are envious of them
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Overt vs covert

An overt narcissist visibly displays these characteristics. It’s easy to recognize one. You know, they’re the person that feels they’re God’s gift to humanity.

While a covert narcissist also holds many of these attitudes and beliefs internally, they are wise enough to know that expressing them to others is off-putting, so they take an entirely different tack.

The covert, vulnerable narcissist presents themselves as a victim and as the unlikely hero in every story. They have a seemingly humble, self-deprecating way about them. They don’t brag. They aren’t outwardly powerful.

The covert narcissist goes about exploiting people, gaining admiration, expressing their entitlement, and more in a subtle, insidious way.

Our understanding evolves

In 2011, DSM-V (American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition.) proposed alternative criteria to express better understanding of the disorder.

Under these criteria, those with narcissistic personality disorder are noted to have moderate to significant impairments in personality functioning as evidence by impairments in self-functioning and interpersonal functioning.

Criteria excerpted below. (Needs two out of four)

Identity:

• Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation
• Exaggerated self-appraisal inflated or deflated, or vacillates between extremes
• Emotional regulation mirrors fluctuation in self-esteem

Self-direction:

• Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others
• Personal standards unreasonably high to see oneself as exceptional, or unreasonably low due to a sense of entitlement
• Often unaware of own motivations

Empathy:

• Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings of others
• Excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self
• Over- or underestimate own effect on others

Intimacy:

• Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation
• Mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others’ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain

They also must have BOTH of the following pathological personality traits.

Grandiosity:

• Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert
• Self-centeredness
• Firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others
• Condescension toward others

Attention-seeking:

• Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others
• Admiration seeking

Real-life manifestations of these clinical criteria

Identity

• The covert narcissist has no sense of identity.
• They are a chameleon, presenting as exactly who you want them to be.
• They may be entirely different with other people in other settings.
• When they are on your good side, their self-esteem is sky high. They are able to have mature, reasonable conversations and seek resolution.
• When they are called out for their behavior (lying, deflecting, passive-aggressiveness, etc), they feel intense shame. Their self-esteem plummets. They are no longer able to stay emotionally regulated. They may yell, scream, stomp around, throw things, or worse, as a defense against the threat their limbic system has identified.

Self-Direction

• Their goals are based on getting your approval.
• They lack self-motivation and drive.
• They procrastinate.
• They lack follow-through.
• They feel they shouldn’t have to clean, do their laundry, do menial tasks at work, or anything else they deem below them. They do shoddy work to avoid being asked to do these things in the future (weaponized incompetence).
• They are often unaware of their subconscious motivations.

Empathy

• They are unable to understand why or how they hurt your feelings.
• They do notice what hurts you. If they want something in the future, they may use it again. Or, if they want to paint the picture in front of others that they’re the best partner, they’ll excessively apologize and put on a show of making amends.
• They underestimate their effect on you with statements like, “You’re too sensitive.”

Intimacy

Your relationship with them is nothing more than:

• A means to an end
• A way to regulate their self-esteem
• A way to avoid feeling deep, internal shame
• A way to increase their status through association.

Grandiosity

For the covert narcissist, this will largely manifest in subtle ways, such as:

• Passive-aggressive putdowns
• Undermining your competence
• Weaponized incompetence
• Devaluing you to their flying monkeys.

Attention-seeking

With a covert narcissist, this may include:

• Their illnesses/injuries on your birthday, before you have an important presentation, or when you are experiencing success.
• Stealing attention while comforting you in a time of distress.
• Seeking comfort from their flying monkeys by complaining about you.
• Self-deprecating jokes and comments

My experience

Even as a doctor, I didn’t recognize my own narcissistic abuse for decades.

Because many of the narcissists in my life (sadly, plural) were covert, they just didn’t fit the clinical criteria. (Actually they did. They were just hiding it.)

One of my greatest struggles was with the label. Even after a therapist stated clearly what was going on, I thought…

• It’s not really THAT bad.
• That can’t be it.
• Maybe I’m being overly dramatic.
• I don’t want her to report him.
• How can I be sure?

Now that my blinders are off and I see it clearly, I can be sure.

Beyond pattern recognition, the label doesn’t matter. It was important to me to see my role in the dynamic, so I could heal it.

I hope this provides healing for you, too.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: Weaponized Incompetence: “Never Mind, I’ll Take Care of It.” and How Does a Covert Narcissist Undermine Your Competence?

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