11 Counter-Intuitive Strategies to Survive a Narcissist’s Smear Campaign

How to rise above the circumstances when the world is trying to hold you down

The narcissistic smear campaign is one of the greatest challenges for a narcissist survivor.

You think you’re through the worst of things.

You’re ready to start healing.

Then you get hit with the narcissist’s smear campaign. Talk about a sucker punch.

It takes your breath away. You can’t believe someone you loved could say such heinous things about you.

Worse yet, you can’t believe anyone believes them. It’s like your friends and family don’t know you at all.

So how do you handle the smear campaign?

These 11 strategies are counterintuitive. They are contrary to every way you want to behave.

1. Zoom out. Look at the situation from 30,000 feet. See it for what it really is. Mentally remove yourself from the belly of the beast. From an observer’s perspective, you will see the situation more clearly.

2. Focus your attention. Just because you’ve zoomed out doesn’t mean to bury your head in the sand or distract yourself from what’s happening. You need to be completely aware. You just want to focus as an outside observer.

3. Shift your focus from the circumstances to you. In the moment, the circumstances — whatever lie is being told and its resultant consequences — seem like the most important thing. They’re not. You are. Stop yourself from thinking about the circumstances and instead focus on what emotion you’re feeling. For example, “I’m angry,” rather than “I’m angry he did XYZ.”

4. Lean in, zoom in, and experience that emotion. Is it fear, anger, confusion, frustration, or sadness? Likely it’s a mix of several emotions. Take time to feel them, journal about them, meditate through them.

5. Give your mind the day (or at least 5 minutes) off. You don’t need to be sorting things out, understanding what’s happening, or strategizing here. That comes later. Focus on your feelings.

6. Be deeply present with yourself and your emotions. Allow your emotions to be seen, to be heard, to be fully witnessed. Allow them, without trying to suppress them. If they come up at an inopportune time (like in the middle of a board meeting), tell them you’ll give them your full attention tonight at 7 pm — then do that.

7. Give yourself what you need. You need acceptance, approval, and validation. Your emotions are a part of you. Accept them. Allow them. Love them. Don’t shame them for existing. You are allowed to feel furious. You are allowed to feel devastated. You are allowed to feel terrified. Show yourself the love and care you would a small child.

8. Consider your strategy. Once you have processed your feelings and can relate from an emotionally clean space — and only then — consider your strategy. If you skip steps 1–7 as nearly everyone does, you’re hosed.

9. Choose when to speak up and when to remain silent. So often, you stayed quiet to avoid throwing the narcissist under the bus. You didn’t want to damage their relationship with their kids, the community, or their livelihood. That silence has hurt you. The narcissist has been grooming others to believe their version of reality since the day you met. Speak the truth cleanly. Provide documentation, if necessary.

10. Do not defend yourself. This one is really tough, I know. Your mind is reeling. You can’t believe their accusations. You want others to know how ridiculous these accusations are. Yet the angry, desperate energy of defending yourself makes you look guilty. It makes you look crazy. It actually reinforces what the narcissist has said about you.

11. Let the flying monkeys go. Realize that anyone who believes the accusations without evidence, or worse yet, believes them in the presence of your clear evidence to the contrary, wants to believe these things about you. You thought they were your friends and family. Yet, they were never your people.

The anti-smear campaign strategy in action

Picture this. The narcissist accuses you of stealing your kids’ college money.

You could implore the legal system to understand you’d never do such a thing, you’d never steal from your children, that this was fabricated to win a lawsuit.

Or, you could clearly say, “This college money?” while showing them the account balance on your phone or providing an account statement.

The first makes you look guilty and crazy. The second puts the issue to rest.

Seeing really is believing.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: How Do You Stop Being So Angry at a Narcissist Even After Leaving? and How Do You Show the Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys They’re Dreadfully Wrong?

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