How Do You Stop Being So Angry at a Narcissist Even After Leaving?

It’s the opposite of what you’ve been told

You finally see it.

Just like the narcissist’s mask slipped, so did your blinders. You now see the narcissist for who they truly are, who they have always been. You see the relationship for what it was.

And you are furious.

You feel betrayed. You feel used. Your relationship has been a lie. And now you find out that they have been slowly turning your friends, family, and colleagues against you from the beginning.

You realize nothing in your life is real. Your 20 years of memories? No one shares them. They were all viewing circumstances through a distorted lens created by the narcissist.

• You remember crying at a family picnic years ago. The narcissist was so hurtful just prior, as on many special occasions. You tried to cover it up — said your eyes were red from allergies. Unbeknownst to you, your entire extended family was led by the narcissist to believe you’re emotionally unstable.
• You went on a camping trip with a few other families. It was a huge struggle to pull it off — you had four young kids, were five months pregnant, went tent camping with pit toilets — all after having premature contractions just two weeks earlier from a work stressor, your work stress compounded by being the sole provider for your family of soon to be seven. Having had a miscarriage on Christmas Day just eight months earlier, your OB only allowed you to go if you agreed to drink a lot of water and sit still. Now years later, the testimony of these other moms is that you sat in a chair while he made you a plate. You didn’t even lift a finger.

You have a lot to be angry about. Yet, you know the anger is eating you up from the inside.

You wonder — will your rage and fury ever go away?

You want to let it go. But how?

The first step to letting go of your anger is counter-intuitive

You need to accept it, embrace it, love it. “I feel angry, and I love that!” or “I am angry and that’s perfect!” Own it with everything you’ve got.

This flies in the face of advice that tells you so-called negative feelings are low vibration or unenlightened. The reality is those feelings are a part of you and all of you is not only okay; it’s perfect.

You’ve denied your feelings for decades — maybe even your whole lifetime. Your hurt and your anger were not safe to feel, to express. They weren’t allowed.

Let me be frank. Denying your feelings is part of what got you into this mess. It’s time for it to stop.

Lean in. Allow yourself to truly feel the anger. Appreciate what it’s done for you. Your anger led you to break the trauma bond and set yourself free. It’s taught you to set boundaries, to let go of relationships that hurt you, and to treat yourself better.

Holy crap! Your anger is something to be celebrated.

Once you are able to fully embody the love and acceptance of your anger, it will no longer feel the need to get your attention. Its message will have been received. It will be free to go.

Key Point: This is not like repeating an affirmation and hoping that makes it come true. Telling yourself you accept and love your anger for purposes of making it go away will not work. No point trying.

Extract your trauma and feel the love

The next, and concurrent steps are to extract your trauma and connect deeply to the truth of who you are (steps 4 and 5). These steps are my sweet spot in working with clients.

Think of it like this.

Urban myth speaks of Michelangelo, asked about his challenges creating the statue of David and his reply, “It’s easy. You just chip away the stone that isn’t David.”

When you chip away your trauma, removing it from your physical and energy bodies, you connect with yourself more deeply. That part of you doesn’t feel anger.

The truth of who you are is pure love.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: How to Get Closure After Narcissistic Abuse and How Do You Apologize to a Narcissist?

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