How Will I Know I Have Completely Healed from Narcissistic Abuse?

It’s kind of like how you know when you’re in labor — you KNOW.

The space between knowing and feeling is vast.

• You may know you are better off without the narcissist, yet you feel like you miss them.
• You may know the narcissist lied to you yet feel like maybe after this time apart, they’ve changed.
• You may know narcissistic relationships are not good for you yet feel attracted to narcissists.

Cognitive healing can happen quickly under the right circumstances.

Healing your body and spirit take a commitment, not only time.

On the journey from narcissist victim to antifragile narcissist survivor, there are 5 steps.

Step 1: Awareness and Education

Step 1 is where you start to learn about narcissism.

• Maybe someone has encouraged you to look into it.
• Maybe you’ve stumbled upon it after searching for answers to explain a dysfunctional dynamic.

This step is where your eyes start to open and you continue to grow in awareness and insight for the rest of your life.

After completing this step, you notice:

• You feel like you have some insight and understanding.
• You might read or watch something and say, “THAT’S what I was living for 30 years.”

Step 2: Exit the Toxic Relationship(s)

It’s not possible to completely heal while you’re in the relationship, particularly if you’re living with your abuser.

• This step involves leaving or significantly changing the relationship.
• If it’s a romantic relationship, you leave.
• If it’s a family member, you go no or minimal contact.
• If it’s a co-worker, you either leave your job, move to a different department, or find another way to distance yourself from the impact of that person.

This step often requires the help of an attorney and a therapist.

After completing step 2, you notice:

• Your gaslighting brain fog starts to clear.
• You start to realize how much the relationship had been hurting you.
• You start to feel more energy, less overwhelm.
• You start to have hope that life can get better.

Step 3: Change your mindset

This step involves identifying the blind spots and potential traps of falling into this or another toxic relationship again.

• You find resources and learn tools to create systems to prevent a recurrence.
• You apply your current insights to the past to discover and identify other narcissists and toxic relationships in your life.
• You learn to identify and resolve your external emotional triggers.
• You learn to identify what’s yours and what’s not.
• You start shifting out of anger and victimhood.
• You learn to prioritize self-care.
• You start shifting to presence for brief periods of time.

This step often requires the help of a therapist.

After completing step 3, you notice:

• You are able to set and hold solid boundaries.
• You see the narcissists and other toxic people for who they are.
• You see how their behavior has impacted you.
• You see how your false beliefs about yourself, and your behavior contributed to the dynamic.
• You see that you allowed yourself to be abused, even unknowingly.
• You take responsibility for the past and commit to changing your future.
• You take responsibility for what is yours, but not what isn’t.
• You are able to feel your emotions with greater depth, rather than evade them.

You feel like your healing is complete (and this is where most people stop).

You’ve truly just begun.

Step 4: Extract the Trauma

During this step, you commit to gleaning the wisdom from the trauma stored in your physical and energetic bodies.

• You learn to acknowledge it, honor it, then let it go.
• You learn to shift into greater presence, presence with the trauma and the pain.
• You learn to stop distracting yourself from the pain and lean into it instead.
• You learn to identify your internal, subconscious triggers and see the patterns they are running in your life.
• You begin to see life through a new lens. It’s as if you’ve been driving with a windshield covered with mud. As you extract the trauma, bit by bit, you slowly clear the windshield.
• You start to see things you never saw before. You start to see old things in a new light. You start to see yourself in a new light.

This step goes hand in hand with step 5. You extract some trauma — you connect more deeply to yourself, and so on.

This step requires external help. It will not happen on its own.

This work is what I do. I can help you. Alternatively, you can choose work with a trauma therapist, and a body worker, and an energy worker experienced in removing this type of trauma each week.

As you grow closer to completion of step 4, you notice:

• You’re no longer reactive.
• You’re able to see a situation clearly and respond cleanly.
• You no longer have regrets.
• You feel lighter, brighter, and at peace.
• You get greater results with less effort.
• You notice that your entire life is changing, not just your relationships.
• You feel your passion and your fire again. Colors look brighter. Birds sing more sweetly.
• You are more present with life.

Step 5: Connect Deeply to Self

In this step, you learn to connect deeply to the truth of who you are.

• You start to see yourself as a Divine being having a human experience.
• You learn to stop judging yourself and witness your human actions and experiences from the role of an observer.
• You expand the timeline from what is happening right now to this moment being a blip in time on your Soul’s journey.
• You start to see that it’s not possible to fail, to be alone, or to be unworthy.
• You are able to feel those fears and emotions come up, but know they are not real. They are your ego gaslighting you.
• You shift out of scarcity. Essentially fear of anything is scarcity –fear of not being good enough, of disappointing someone, of never finding a new relationship, of never finding your purpose, of being visible, of being abandoned.
• You live in the present moment most of the time.

This also requires external help and is my area of expertise. I can help you.

After completing all 5 steps, you’ve become antifragile.

• Adversity and challenges make you stronger.
• Your self-worth is not defined by anything outside of yourself — your relationship, your job, your income, your debt, your retirement account, your car, your clothes, your friendships, your family, your appearance.
• You strive to be in integrity always and align your thoughts, words, and actions with your mind, body, and spirit.
• These aspects of yourself work as a team, rather than fighting each other, and you get astronomical results with little effort.
• You feel Divinely inspired and supported always.
• You fully trust that everything works out in your favor, because you know it to be true.
• Over time, your external world starts to match your internal world — your health, wealth, relationships, and impact take flight.

That’s when you know your healing is complete.

I help people with steps 1, 4, and 5.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

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