How to Get Closure After Narcissistic Abuse
Is it even possible? YES!
Narcissists say a lot of things they don’t mean and mean a lot of things they don’t say. They are walking contradictions.
And yet, it’s natural for you to want closure, to want to hear them say certain things.
Why? To validate your experience, your feelings, your sense of self.
Here you formed what you thought was a deep, loving relationship with this person.
Yet, it was never real. The narcissist was wounded and engaged in a self-protective, yet destructive manner. You, the victim, likely had some codependent traits that resulted in anxious attachment — you tolerated hurtful behavior for far longer than you care to admit.
Then things changed.
The narcissist’s mask came off. The truth was revealed. The relationship ended — at least physically.
Your emotional bond, your trauma bond, as the victim remains. You want answers. You want understanding. You want to finally be seen and heard. You want closure.
You want to hear the narcissist sincerely say
- I am sorry I hurt you
- I am very disordered and need help
- I am afraid all the time — afraid of being worthless
- You deserve better
- You were never the problem. I am
- I understand how much I tortured you
- I am unable to tell the truth
- I turned your friends and family against you
- I sabotaged your job, your friendships, your relationship with the kids, your favorite things
- I tried to confuse you to get you to stay
- I blamed you for things that were my fault
- I distracted you to avoid being held accountable
- I lied to you about everything
- I used you
- I violated your trust
- I know how much you’re struggling
- I took you for granted
- You were good to me, and I blew it
Listen, the narcissist will not say these things and mean them. They don’t believe them to be true. And no one will convince them otherwise. Not their family. Not their friends. Not their pastor. Not their boss.
Let’s talk about why you want closure
You want it for a few reasons
- To get a definitive answer
- To feel in control where you otherwise weren’t
- To feel validated
- To be able to move on and move forward
Closure just makes sense to neurotypical people.
A guy you like asks for your number, then doesn’t call. You wonder if he lost your number, is too shy to call, or is no longer interested. You’re okay with any of the options but WANT TO KNOW. That allows you to choose how you move forward.
Your fiancée abruptly stops communication with you. You wonder if she’s been kidnapped, is lying in a ditch somewhere, has amnesia, or has left you for another man. It’s crazy making. If only you knew what you were dealing with, you could choose how to proceed. Do you contact her parents, report her missing, call local hospitals, or donate her things to charity?
You will not get closure from the narcissist.
So how do you get the closure you seek?
You give it to yourself.
You give yourself internal validation, rather than relying on validation from another. You witness yourself as you would your close friend, your sister, or your child.
As you heal yourself, you reframe those statements you long to hear.
- I’m sorry I was hurt
- I deserved better
- I wasn’t the problem
- I was tortured
- I was used
- My trust was violated
- I took responsibility for things that weren’t my fault
- I was really struggling. Gosh, that was hard
When the magic happens
Over time, you witness your part in things, which is when your healing accelerates. It shifts you into greater empowerment.
- I allowed them to hurt me
- I deserve better
- I wanted to believe their lies
- I tolerated the intolerable because I wanted to be good enough
- I wanted to be wanted
- Being disconnected from myself was torture
At that point you realize, it was never about them.
You’ve given yourself closure.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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