The Dating Game
How real are you willing to be?
Catfish. I had never heard the term, that is, until my teenagers started talking about the movie, Love Hard, this month.
It’s a cute movie we watched together on vacation this week. The premise in short: a young woman flies from LA to surprise the man she thought she was dating only to find she was catfished. Then she hides her true self from the man she likes to make him want to date her.
It got me thinking — thinking about what I hope my kids learn about themselves and how to show up in the world.
There are five of them, ages 13 to 23. Life is different now than when I was that age. In some ways, they have it so good. In others, not so much. Catfishing was not a thing when I was dating as a teenager.
Lying while dating
It’s reassuring, I guess, that everyone seems to realize to catfish (to share someone else’s pictures as if they were your own) is lying and is wrong.
What’s concerning is how rarely people notice the other ways they lie when they’re dating.
Pretending to like football, hard rock, barbecued wings, and late nights as if it’s just what’s expected to stop being single is as cliché as purporting to love travel and romantic walks on the beach.
The dreaded compromise
They don’t see it as lying, but rather, some form of “compromise.”
And compromise is viewed as requisite for any relationship — as if they are less than if they are unwilling to compromise.
Merriam-Webster defines compromise as
1. a way of reaching agreement in which each person or group gives up something that was wanted in order to end an argument or dispute
2. something that combines the qualities of two different things
3. a change that makes something worse and that is not done for a good reason
Given that dating does not involve a dispute to arbitrate (and if it does — run), this is so flipping wrong.
When individuals compromise who they are and pretend to be someone they’re not, is it any wonder they end up unhappy, that the relationship doesn’t last?
It shouldn’t be.
They are lying to themselves and their partners.
To my children and young adults everywhere
I say, no compromise.
Your dating time of life is not an opportunity to prove you’re good enough. That’s a given. It’s a time to determine if you’re a good fit to partner together at this particular point in time.
You are interviewing potential suitors, not trying to get the job. Your only job is to be true to yourself. It’s that simple.
Show the world exactly who you are, warts and all. Share your quirky sense of humor, your unusual hobbies, and your deepest fears. Share the parts of yourself you’re afraid to reveal.
Some will like you, some will hate you, some won’t see you, but some will fall in love with you, platonically and romantically. Those are the people to take into the next chapter in your life.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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