How Do You Know if a Narcissist is Gone for Good?
Are they really done with you?
You’ve been through it so many times…
The romance, the bad times, the break-up, the getting back together.
This cycle becomes a pattern. And it’s a pattern you not only tolerate, but you enjoy.
The pain of the breakup is less than the pleasure of getting back together, of feeling sought after, of feeling wanted.
Or the pain of the breakup is less than the pain of being alone, so you’re willing to endure it again.
During each breakup, your fear kicks in. What if they’re not coming back this time? What if they’re gone for good?
That fear drives your choices — your willingness to devalue yourself to get the narcissist back.
How do you devalue yourself?
- You accept blame and apologize for the narcissist’s behavior
- You accept their unreasonable conditions for return — like continuing to see someone else, buying them something big, or doing extra things for them
- You are willing to back down on your boundaries
- You show them you are willing to welcome them back despite their horrendous behavior
- You beg them to come back
All these actions make you appear weak, insecure, and without self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence.
They make you less valuable to the narcissist, which means the next discard will come faster.
The only value you’re bringing at this point is your resources (financial or otherwise) and narcissistic supply from devaluing you.
The more they devalue you and you choose to stay, the more power and control they feel from the relationship.
You have put the narcissist in the driver’s seat, determining if and when the relationship is done, and whether or not you get back together. This is never a good position.
This is how you know a narcissist is done with you
When you
- See the narcissist for who they are
- Realize they are not going to change
- See yourself as the enabler of their behavior
- Realize that the abuse is slowly killing you (stealing your health, vitality, confidence, self-worth, mental clarity, relationships, and more) and you are ALLOWING IT
- Decide that you deserve better
- Educate yourself about narcissistic abuse such that you can no longer unsee it
- Set and enforce firm boundaries
- Commit to healing your trauma
At that point, if you haven’t left, the narcissist will leave and will not look back. You are no longer a good source of supply.
Until then, you’re at risk
Until that happens, you are always at risk for them coming back. I say “at risk” because you are allowing them to hurt you, as if you deserve it, as if you don’t deserve better.
It’s like being “at risk” for an alcohol use disorder, gambling addiction, or sexually transmitted infection. Your behavior (choosing to stay) puts you at risk for significant harm.
You are at risk of further abuse.
The better question…
What will it take for you to decide that you are done with the narcissist? When will you choose to be gone for good?
It’s then that you’ve put yourself in the driver’s seat and taken control of your own destiny.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: What if You Give a Narcissist Everything They Want? and What Makes a Covert Narcissist Regret Leaving You?
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