What if You Give a Covert Narcissist Everything They Want?
Do they stay or get bored?
It’s not possible to give a narcissist everything they want. And the reason they look elsewhere is not boredom. It’s because you have failed them.
A covert narcissist wants only two things:
- Narcissistic supply
- To preserve their made-up version of reality, carefully crafted for decades
Sure, they like other things — your status, money, education, success, and connections — but covert narcissists are driven by supply and preserving their false narrative.
Here’s the thing. Covert narcissists have hundreds, if not thousands, of flying monkeys. Those flying monkeys have all been indoctrinated into the false narrative, the made-up version of reality for years, and the covert narcissist plays the role of both victim and hero in that story.
Even if you were Mary Poppins — practically perfect in every way — you would not be perfect for a covert narcissist because they would lose their victim role. They do not want a good relationship or situation. What would they complain about?
Do you see? Your giving them everything they say they want in a relationship takes away what they need — that made-up world with their idealized self as hero and victim.
They desperately need to preserve that story.
You are collateral damage
You’re a catch or they wouldn’t have been interested in the first place. You’re kind, compassionate, empathic, and you elevate their status. You also have codependent traits that make you an ideal partner for any narcissist. Put simply, their tactics work on you.
Unfortunately, you as a great partner isn’t fitting with their victim story, so the covert narcissist creates a false narrative about you. They share this false narrative about you to all those flying monkeys. Over time, the monkeys believe them. The covert narcissist is very convincing because they believe what they are saying is true.
The covert narcissist also shares this false narrative about you with you. You are so confused by their perspective. You desperately want them to see you for who you are, to feel your love.
Over time, you start to believe them.
- I’m too clingy
- I’m too sensitive
- I’m too controlling
- I’m impatient
- I expect everyone to be perfect
- I’m crazy
- I’m the problem
- Something is wrong with me
The covert narcissist has sucked you into their made-up world. You are still their primary narcissistic supply, only now it’s not because of the status you provide, but their ability to devalue you.
You help preserve their false reality. They have great fodder for their flying monkeys. You grow more and more confused, doubting yourself. The covert narcissist keeps their desired role of both hero and victim.
The tipping point
Eventually something clicks. You either break or you wake up. When you wake up and see the covert narcissist without their mask, you become their greatest threat. You no longer see their made-up world as real.
You have failed them.
The covert narcissist goes on the attack to protect themselves from you.
They now have a new sob story to lure someone into their fairy tale world.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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