Why Does a Covert Narcissist Constantly Change Even Entertaining Stories?
Why lie when there’s no apparent benefit?
You’ve heard the stories, the same stories, multiple times.
Each time is different depending on who the covert narcissist is telling — not just more or different details, but the message of the story is different.
You wonder how they can keep track of these story versions, of who they told what.
And what on Earth could be the benefit? It seems like so much work.
Projecting neurotypical behavior expectations on disordered people
Neurotypical people often expect everyone to think and behave like they do — to feel badly when they hurt someone’s feelings, to find it stressful to keep track of lies, to want to evolve and grow.
Those with narcissistic personality disorder do not experience things the same way. They don’t behave the same way. They don’t have the same feelings.
The first step in understanding what you’re dealing with and how to handle it moving forward is to realize they are different.
The covert narcissist’s adaptation for their audience
The covert narcissist’s story changes — seemingly with the wind.
Why?
The covert narcissist is adapting the story for their current audience. Sometimes the intent of the story is sympathy. Other times, it’s laughs (attention). Still other times, it’s to manipulate an outcome.
The covert narcissist changes the story based on who they are telling
Take something simple and straightforward — they went to Catholic high school. They have numerous stories, some hilarious, from that time in their life.
- To a devout Catholic, they describe this as a really profound experience and express gratitude for their parents’ sacrifice.
- To an evangelical Christian, they describe it as a trial they had to live through. They joke about how the Catholics have things backwards.
- To an atheist, they scoff at the experience. They don’t believe that stuff.
The covert narcissist will change a story to make it more funny
The covert narcissist is kind of like a comedian working on their set.
They tell a story one way and get laughs. They adapt it a little and get even more laughs.
They adapt again and it doesn’t land at all.
Over time, they tweak their stories for maximal laughs and thus, attention.
The covert narcissist grooms their partners and flying monkeys through their storytelling
They tell a story, differently than you’ve heard it previously or differently than you witnessed it, and you go along with it.
You don’t correct or challenge them.
They’ve conditioned you, created a pattern of you supporting them blindly, and they will continue to push this edge.
It’s a method of devaluing you through your lie of omission, devaluing those who hear the false story, and exerting power and control over you.
Contrast the victim
We’ve recently explored 11 ways to discern the covert narcissist from their victim.
The person’s story is a big tip-off.
The victim’s story doesn’t change.
Sure, they made add details or adapt the story for time, but the story remains the same, regardless of who they’re telling.
The victim also shares a story to communicate their truth. They are not seeking sympathy, laughs, or a particular outcome.
They simply wish to share truth.
And they do this with anyone who will listen.
Be the one who listens.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: 11 Ways to Discern the Covert Narcissist Victim from the Covert Narcissist and Can You Believe ANYTHING a Covert Narcissist Says?