Can you Believe ANYTHING a Covert Narcissist Says?
Is everything a lie?
Sadly, you can’t believe anything they say.
Covert narcissists have a way of distorting the lens through which you see things, even things that would otherwise be “true.”
A covert narcissist lies
- To make themselves the victim in any story
- To make themselves the hero in any story
- To avoid taking responsibility
- To get more narcissistic supply
- To protect their made-up version of reality
They lie about themselves, and they lie about others.
The lies have some truth to them, which makes them plausible. The covert narcissist fully BELIEVES them, which makes you (and others) convinced.
Lies a covert narcissist tells about themselves
The covert narcissist often embellishes details. It’s kind of like the, “The fish was this big,” tales.
“My mom used to make me stay at the table until I finished my dinner. One night, even though I was sick and not hungry, she made me sit there until bedtime.” This story evokes so much sympathy, yet it isn’t true. Their mom made them sit there for 30 minutes each night — and not when sick.
Comes home with hand bloody, “I was at the bar and punched a man in the mouth. He was trying to pull a woman outside and she was terrified.” They were at the bar and punched a man, true, but there wasn’t a woman.
“I’m sorry I missed our special dinner. I know those reservations are hard to get. I had to work late. There was nothing I could do.” Yes they missed the dinner and reservations are hard to get, and yes they worked late, but their boss asked them to send an email before leaving, which took 5 minutes and the reservation was 2 hours later.
Lies they tell about others
“I didn’t get the promotion because my boss is sexist.” They didn’t get the promotion because another woman’s work was better.
“My wife won’t let me go.” They never discussed it with their wife.
“My mom thinks you’re too independent.” Their mom actually mentions she admires your independence.
Then there are the lies they tell about you.
After the mask comes off
You’ll think you’re finally clear, that you finally see the covert narcissist’s lies clearly. But you don’t. You see the tip of the iceberg.
The rest of that iceberg won’t reveal itself until long after the relationship has ended.
For example,
- You actually look great in blue
- Those shoes do NOT make your ankles look fat
- Carbs don’t go straight to your hips
- You are great with managing your money
- You have a talent for writing
- People love your sense of humor
- Your friend, Susan, does not think you’re full of yourself
- Your boss is not staring at your butt when you’re not looking
- Your cousin is not on drugs
- You are smart enough to patent your idea
- You have enough follow-through to start your dream business
- You are easy to get along with
- You are not high maintenance (In fact, you’re so low maintenance you don’t know how to ask for and receive help)
- You are not lazy
- You have nothing to prove — to anyone
Eventually you’ll unpack all the lies spread by body language
- You are not unlovable
- You are not repulsive
- You are not stupid
- You are not too sensitive
- You are not annoying
- You deserve to be seen and heard
- You deserve to be treated with respect
- You deserve so much more than the covert narcissist could ever give you
Revealing the truth
So often, we want to show the truth to the covert narcissist, to make them see the error of their ways and how it hurts you. We want to defend ourselves. We want to help them.
The harsh truth is — the situation will not change. The covert narcissist will not become your dream partner, or even a tolerable one.
Don’t let that be a lie you tell yourself.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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