Summary

Covert narcissists present a façade of loyalty to maintain their idealized self-image and secure narcissistic supply, rather than out of genuine devotion to others.

Abstract

The article delves into the concept of loyalty in covert narcissists, explaining that their apparent loyalty is a strategic performance to uphold their self-crafted persona and to secure narcissistic supply. This loyalty is not rooted in genuine care or commitment but is a means to manipulate and control their partners. The article highlights that covert narcissists are adept at playing roles that make them seem honest, trustworthy, and supportive, but their actions are ultimately self-serving. The perceived loyalty is likened to a stage performance, with the narcissist directing and starring in their own narrative. The article also suggests that the covert narcissist's loyalty to their idealized self is unwavering, often at the expense of their partner's well-being, as they prioritize their own needs and image above all else.

Opinions

Covert narcissists are driven by the need for narcissistic supply and the preservation of their idealized self-image, which takes precedence over true loyalty to others.
The article implies that the loyalty of a covert narcissist is conditional and performative, designed to devalue their partner and increase their dependency on the narcissist.
It is suggested that covert narcissists may engage in triangulation, manipulating relationships to isolate their partner and enhance their own position.
The author posits that covert narcissists are incapable of genuine loyalty due to their disorder, which prevents them from recognizing their partner as a separate individual with their own goals and desires.
The article conveys that the covert narcissist's loyalty is consistently directed towards maintaining their persona, much like a background program running continuously.
It is emphasized that the covert narcissist's actions, including those that appear loyal, are strategic and aimed at preserving their self-image, even if it means betraying their partner's confidence or undermining their success.

What Makes a Covert Narcissist Truly Loyal?

The loyalty that stands the test of time

You are trying to make sense of your relationship — wondering where you went wrong, wondering what was wrong with your partner.

You’ve read about narcissists — their self-centeredness, their inflated ego, even their frequent cheating.

Yet your partner was different. Sure, they messed with your head in too many ways to count, but they seemed so loyal. Always at your side, focused on you, your greatest defender and supporter.

Is it possible to be loyal and be a narcissist, you wonder?

Your friends and family considered them loyal, even if not honest or trustworthy. At least they were loyal. Or were they?

From the outside looking in

A person may appear to be loyal if they

Provide financially for their partner or family
Don’t cheat
“Defend” their partner
Support their partner
Caretake their partner

Think stereotypical 1950’s gender roles.

Yet, when you look beneath the surface, they don’t honor their commitments, respect your privacy, speak the truth in your defense.

The covert narcissist gives the appearance of loyalty, much like your picture of the beach on your wall gives the appearance of being at the ocean. When you look behind the frame, you see the white wall.

The nature of the covert narcissist

Covert narcissists are subconsciously driven by two things

The need for narcissistic supply
Preservation of their persona, their idealized self, their made-up version of reality

They are directing a movie and their idealized self was cast as the lead. Consciously or subconsciously, the covert narcissist is playing a role. Their character is not who they are.

Covert narcissists give the appearance of many things

Honesty
Trustworthiness
Thoughtfulness
Kindness
Compassion
Even loyalty

They have taken on the persona of someone with those traits. They are playing the role of honest, thoughtful, loyal partner.

Covert narcissist wins the Oscar

You fall and break your leg. The covert narcissist brings you food, cleans the house, does the laundry, takes you to your doctor appointments, helps you in and out of the car, and runs to open doors.

They embrace this role, especially when others are watching. They appear to be the most loyal, supportive partner around.

Yet they are truly embracing the opportunity to devalue you and to gain brownie points with their flying monkeys.

Your best friend ends your friendship. The covert narcissist appears to be your greatest supporter. They tell you your friend didn’t truly understand you, your friend had issues, or your friend didn’t appreciate you.

She never did get you like I do.
He just didn’t appreciate your sense of humor.
She was always so needy. I don’t know why you were friends in the first place.
He never appreciated everything you did for him.

They also give you “constructive” feedback.

I think she was jealous of how well you got along with her husband.
You can’t be so perfect all the time. It’s intimidating.
Maybe you need to lighten up a bit. You’re always so serious.
I think you share too much. It makes people uncomfortable.

Suddenly, they’ve shifted from your greatest supporter to your greatest critic in a way that appears they are trying to be helpful. They are not trying to help you improve your relationships. They are devaluing you, so that you are more dependent on them.

Only years later, you realize the covert narcissist triangulated the two of you — causing the loss of that relationship.

The covert narcissist’s greatest loyalty

Covert narcissists are unflinchingly loyal to their idealized self, their persona.

A narcissist cannot be loyal to anyone but themselves. They see you as an object, not a human being with goals, dreams, and desires. Their disorder prevents them from strongly supporting you — emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually.

Their underlying loyalty to preserving their persona is always running in the background, much like your virus-scanning software.

Given the choice of

Being accountable for running late or blaming you, they will blame you
Celebrating your recent success or finding a way to bring you down so they no longer feel inferior, they will bring you down
Keeping your secret vs appearing “in the know” by sharing it with a mutual friend, they will betray your confidence

In the face of voluminous evidence, the covert narcissist will still deny the truth. No matter how many people shine a light on the truth or how often, they stand by their persona.

It’s a loyalty that can’t be shaken.

They will never be loyal to you.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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