Can a Covert Narcissist Comfort You When You’re in Distress?

The answer depends entirely on what you perceive as comfort.

Comfy bedroom, Photo by Shashi Chaturvedula on Unsplash

Will the covert narcissist act concerned, be at your side, and take care of your needs? On the surface, the answer is “yes.”

But it is a surface level response. Do they actually care that you are hurting? Not unless it impacts them in some way.

Do they want to make you comfortable and take care of you? Only to the extent that it makes them look good.

Is it an opportunity for them to kick you while you’re down? Quite definitely.

A covert narcissist is drawn to you when you’re in distress, much like a moth drawn to a flame

They love to experience your pain, your distress, your vulnerability. AND they find it a great opportunity. The covert narcissist not only gets to share in the attention as the pseudo-victim, they get to be the hero. This scenario is the holy grail of narcissistic supply.

Imagine you fall and break your leg. Family, friends, and neighbors are bringing you meals, offering to pick up your kids from activities, and shoveling your sidewalk.

The covert narcissist is seen as the pseudo-victim, because it’s presumed they have extra work and extra stress due to your injury. Friends and family may pull them aside to say

It must be so hard for you. You’ll be doing all the shopping and cooking for months.
I’m sure you’re feeling stressed financially. Medical bills are so expensive.
Will s/he be able to work from home?
Oh my gosh, your laundry is in the basement. You’ll be doing EVERYTHING for awhile, won’t you?
Not only are you doing everything for the household, now you have to drive to medical appointments and physical therapy. When will you find time to work?

The covert narcissist is thoroughly enjoying soaking up all this sympathy. Somehow, you’re the one with the broken leg and they’re the one getting attention. They absolutely love that! In their mind, that means people like them better than you. And that is precisely what they want.

The covert narcissist is also presented with the opportunity to step into role of hero in this scenario. Talk about a gift on a silver platter!

Oh yes, I had to give up my tennis league. Taking care of family is more important.
I’m working all day, then starting my full-time second job the minute I get home — cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework, shopping.
I took the week off work to help everyone get settled.

The covert narcissist is also given great opportunity to devalue you, with you as a captive audience.

I don’t why you’re always so tired at night. Making dinner for the family isn’t hard if you plan ahead.
Homework with the kids is fun. I’m not sure why it was such a struggle for you. Maybe I’m a better teacher than you are.
When you heal, we need to get you into the gym. If you were in better shape, you would have been able to catch yourself during that fall.
Well, this will give you some time to think about what you want to do with your life. Maybe you can do some training while you’re home and get a better job. We could use the extra money with these medical bills.
You know you’re clumsy. What were you doing on that ladder? I told you I’d take care of it.
The kids and I had a great time at the park. They showed me your favorite picnic table. They said it was like I was you.

Your distress is a great opportunity for triangulation

To your child,

Let’s let Mommy rest. The pain is making her crabby. Encouraging your kids to avoid you when you’ve been eager to see them all day.
Could you get Daddy some water? He’s been asking me for things all day.
You’ll have to give up gymnastics. I can’t take care of Mommy and get you there.

To your mom,

Maybe you can talk to her. She’s so down lately. It’s making it hard on everyone. Your mom talks to you about making life difficult for everyone, you get annoyed because you’re struggling, and now what is normally a supportive relationship is strained.
I’m guessing at what he wants. He said it’s hard to ask for help, because you insisted he be independent as a child.
She doesn’t want to see you right now. I’m hoping you’ll understand. Then telling you, I’m surprised your mom isn’t stopping by to help.

Sometimes your devaluation doesn’t require words

Plausible deniability hides the spirit of all actions

Making foods you don’t like
Not bringing you water
Lighting a candle that makes you sneeze and leaving it across the room so you can’t blow it out
Leaving your phone out of reach when you’re expecting the kids to call and tell you about their day
Taking the kids to see the movie you’ve been waiting to come out for months
“Accidentally” bumping into your leg
Moving your crutches out of reach

Weaponized incompetence works just as well.

Burning or overcooking your dinner
Bringing you water in a glass that’s still soapy
“Forgetting” to pick up your medication after work
Scheduling something an appointment, so that you have a scheduling conflict to resolve
Ruining your laundry

Seeing through the distortion

To the rest of the world, the covert narcissist looks like the most helpful, attentive partner ever in your time of distress.

For them, this is the best of all worlds. They get narcissistic supply from their flying monkeys’ admiration and from your devaluation. And the icing on the cake? Their false narrative is reinforced.

For you, it’s another story. Not only are you recovering from your injury, but you feel worse about yourself, your relationship with your kids, your contribution to your household.

If you’re unaware of narcissistic abuse, you can’t quite put your finger on why.

But you certainly don’t feel comforted.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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