The Single Best Approach When Your Narcissist Ex Wants to Be Friends
This may sound harsh AND it’s important to hear
Your overt narcissist ex does not want to be friends with you. They did not want to be in a relationship with you. They don’t actually see you as a person. They see you as an object.
The narcissist’s disorder impacts their interpersonal relationships because they see people as objects — specifically objects that provide resources.
Some of the resources are obvious…
- Financial
- Status
- Connections
Others are less obvious…
- Narcissistic supply
- Attention
- Validation
- Control
Because the narcissist lacks empathy, they don’t understand how their behavior impacts you. Even if they did understand, they’d only care to the extent that it impacts them. For example, if they make you too angry, then they may not get what they want.
The narcissist also lacks whole object relations and object constancy, which means they can only see people as “all good” or “all bad” and cannot maintain a stable, positive connection with someone who they perceive has made them feel angry, disappointed, or hurt.
The narcissist’s predictable pattern
Your ex fits the expected post-discard pattern for an overt narcissist with abundant narcissistic supply who sees you as “all good.”
In this pattern, the narcissist wants to keep you on a string, easily drawn in when in need of narcissistic supply or other resources. Like a kite, the narcissist tethers you to them, ready when needed.
The narcissist messages you frequently to keep your attention, to stay relevant, to remain in control, to obtain narcissistic supply.
The frequent communication has you thinking about the narcissist. While you’re spending time and energy thinking about the narcissist, you’re not spending it on yourself, your future, or moving forward.
Though you may no longer be together, every time you receive a message, you’re trained to respond. It seems like the polite thing to do. You’ve given the narcissist control over your communication pattern.
Every time you suggest the two of you meet and the narcissist declines, their perceived rejection of you gives them narcissistic supply.
Your confusion over their behavior gives them attention — even more narcissistic supply.
Sharing your feelings about this gives them more supply. Setting a boundary like, “I’m not going to keep doing this,” then not enforcing it, gives them even more supply.
The single best approach to this challenge
The single best thing you can do to take back your power, to use your mental bandwidth and physical energy for your desires, is to cut the narcissist off entirely.
Stop allowing the narcissist to plug into your system for a recharge.
Stop all contact. This goes beyond talking to them or responding to messages. Stop thinking about them, watching their social media, or looking at old photos.
Why? Have you had an old friend pop into your mind when you haven’t thought of them in ages, only to have them call or text just moments later? We’re all connected energetically.
When you direct your attention toward the narcissist — even when you think they’d never know — subconsciously they know. You hold the door open. They remain in control.
Are you ready to finally break free?
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
The Antifragile Jumpstart Program was created for you (third party link to my website).
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Why Will a Narcissist Become Nice All of a Sudden? and How Will I Know I Have Completely Healed from Narcissistic Abuse?