How to Grasp the Stunning Lack of Object Constancy in a Covert Narcissist
For those looking to discern the covert narcissist from the victim, this is their “tell”
You want to be sure your partner is a covert narcissist.
You want to be sure you’re not.
Maybe you want to know how to discern between the covert narcissist and the victim to perform your job well as an attorney, judge, guardian ad litem, therapist, social worker, pastor, or other professional.
Covert narcissists can fake empathy, apologies, and a desire to improve. They are masters of presenting well.
They can also convince others of their false stories and rack up loads of false testimony.
To the best of my knowledge, they cannot fake object constancy.
Their lack thereof is their “tell.”
What the heck is object constancy?
Object constancy is the ability to believe that a relationship is stable and secure, regardless of conflict, disagreements, or challenges.
Similarly, it includes maintaining a positive emotional connection to someone despite being hurt, disappointed, angry, or frustrated by their behavior.
Object constancy involves seeing the whole person, the good and the bad, at the same time.
Examples of object constancy
- Loving a baby who has been crying for 3 hours in the middle of the night
- Understanding your partner is triggered when they snap at you, then offering a hug
- Loving and visiting an elderly parent with dementia who doesn’t remember you
Someone who lacks object constancy feels the loss of that emotional connection and relationship with each isolated negative experience.
They may experience a significant amount of anxiety, particularly fear of abandonment.
They are the type of person who ends a relationship over a single experience, even important relationships.
The victim with object constancy
The victim with object constancy is capable of holding both perspectives, good and bad, about a person and a relationship at the same time.
They acknowledge the covert narcissist’s good points, saying things like,
- He’s been a really good provider.
- She really loves the kids and is a great mom.
- He has a great sense of humor.
- She’s a great cook.
- We’ve had a lot of good times.
- I miss the person I married.
This victim has the ability to acknowledge these good attributes even when angry, frustrated, hurt, betrayed, or disappointed.
The covert narcissist lacks object constancy
They see someone as “all good” or “all bad,” and this can flip in a split second.
Equally important, they see themselves as “all good” or “all bad” and this also flips rapidly.
When the covert narcissist is emotionally dysregulated, they will tend to see you and/or themselves as “all bad.” Once they regulate, the switch will flip to “all good.”
This is why a covert narcissist will,
- Yell and scream about dinner not being ready when they get home, then come downstairs 5 minutes later and ask if you’d like to go out to eat.
- Tell you they are miserable and want a divorce. Then the next week ask about planning your 25th anniversary party.
- Tell you how they feel like such a loser, then flip back to acting entitled.
The victim gets a front row seat to the Dr Jekkyl and Mr Hyde experience. It’s as if the covert narcissist is two distinct people.
When the covert narcissist sees themselves as “all bad,” they will say to the victim,
- Nothing I ever do is good enough for you.
- Oh yeah. I get it. I’m a horrible father.
- Got it. I’m the worst wife ever.
The victim will respond, “I never said that” with a confused look.
When the covert narcissist sees you as “all bad,” they will say to the legal system, church authorities, or anyone who will listen,
- She never loved me.
- He was using me all along.
- She played me.
- The relationship was terrible from the start.
The victim without object constancy
A victim may resort to very black and white thinking and say those things, too, if they are early in their healing process or if they did not develop object constancy in childhood.
Experiences that impede development of object constancy
- Being yelled at or mocked for crying
- Being rewarded when they perform well (school, sports, music, etc) and punished when they don’t
- Being treated poorly for being sick
Even if the victim doesn’t have object constancy regarding the covert narcissist or the relationship, they may be able to hold good/bad perspectives concurrently about other people or things.
The covert narcissist cannot.
The covert narcissist is unable to fake object constancy
Listen to the way they talk about themselves and their relationships.
Notice the inconsistencies.
Sure, they’ll flip-flop from their ex-partner or the relationship being all good or all bad, but are they able to hold both at the same time?
- I couldn’t trust him because he regularly lied to me, but gosh we had fun together.
- She betrayed me with an emotional affair, but she’s a really good mom to our kids.
- He was so hurtful in the end, but the first few years were wonderful.
These are not things a covert narcissist will say. They cannot hold the duality.
Object constancy is different than expressing love despite abuse due to a trauma bond, but that’s a story for another day…
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Truly Unpacking Dr Jekkyl and Mr Hyde in Covert Narcissists and 11 Ways to Discern the Covert Narcissist Victim from the Covert Narcissist
