Truly Unpacking Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde in Covert Narcissists

Here’s what everyone gets wrong

Most everyone has heard Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde referenced when describing narcissists.

Most everyone gets it wrong.

Here’s what society thinks, and many people teach

The narcissist is nice out in public and looks like a stellar human being, a great spouse, a trusted friend, an outstanding boss or employee. Then at home, their mask comes off and they are another person. They are mean. This meanness occurs behind closed doors.

While there may be some truth to that scenario in some instances, this severely downplays what the victim is experiencing.

The real meaning of Jekyll and Hyde

The covert narcissist experienced so much deep-seated shame that they created a persona, an idealized self, typically in early childhood. They’ve created a made-up version of reality to go with the persona — kind of like writing a screenplay. The covert narcissist gets to play both hero and victim and everyone else in their life is assigned a supporting role.

They are in a state of constant conflict — a war between their true self and their false self.

The covert narcissist’s true self lacks a strong sense of identity. It feels intense shame. It feels extreme fear of not being good enough. It wants to be good.

The false, idealized self was born out of a desire to avoid those feelings of shame and fear. It is a defense mechanism, a method of self-protection.

The false self, or persona, is someone the covert narcissist is proud to be — someone who is friendly, charming, likable, funny. Someone who helps others. Someone who had such a rough life yet turned out so great.

To the covert narcissist, this persona proves their greatest fears are not true. They are good enough. They are kind. They are lovable. They have immense fortitude and character. They are special.

They will do ANYTHING to preserve this persona.

Some think this is the Jekyll and Hyde nature of a covert narcissist. Wrong again.

The two people you married

When you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it is as if you’ve married two distinct people. You wonder if they have multiple personality disorder.

First, there’s the person you fell in love with — easy to talk to, a great communicator, easy-going, collaborative.

Then there’s this other person who sabotages you, devalues you, and feels rage toward you.

The two don’t seem to know the other exists. In most cases, they don’t.

Say you’re having a conversation about finances and how to fund your kids’ college educations. You discuss it thoroughly. You listen to each other. You fully express yourself and feel heard. Your covert narcissist partner expresses feeling the same. You come to a mutual resolution, and you both feel pleased with the conversation.

All seems good.

While the covert narcissist is emotionally regulated and secure in their persona, all IS good.

Sometime later — could be minutes, days, or years — the covert narcissist’s mask slips and they fear you’ve seen who they really are, that you know they are not their persona.

Mr Hyde goes on full on attack mode and is determined to take you out. The subconscious Mr Hyde script is powerful and always running in the background, ready when needed.

Hyde references the conversation from long ago. Tells you you’re controlling. Tells their flying monkeys they never were on board with this plan. Sabotages you to make you pay for wronging them.

You’re left feeling stunned.

Or say you had some really great times in your dating life or marriage. You had times when you laughed together until you almost peed your pants. You had times when you cried together. You had times that you overcame challenges together and other times that felt like a gift straight from Heaven.

You remember the good with the bad. When the covert narcissist’s shame and self-esteem are managed through adequate narcissistic supply, they remember the good times, too.

When their shame and low self-esteem exceed their existing supply, the covert narcissist subconsciously switches into Hyde, desperately trying to control the narrative, to save the persona, to spare themselves from the shame.

It is then you will hear,

• You never loved me at all.
• You used me the entire relationship.
• You nag me about everything.
• We never could communicate.

Later, the covert narcissist’s self-esteem will return to baseline low, but tolerable levels, the shame will abate, and their emotions will regulate.

You’ll ask to discuss their feelings, referencing these statements. Then you’ll hear,

• What?
• I would have never said that.
• I don’t feel that way.
• That doesn’t sound like me.

Once again, you are talking to the now secure persona, the one you fell in love with.

They beg you not to give up on them, to not give up on the relationship. They apologize and you genuinely feel they are sincere.

• You wonder if they’ve changed.
• You were ready to leave. Now you have second thoughts.
• You wonder if you’re going crazy.

The end result

Whether in public or behind closed doors, you see that part of them that wants to be good, that has no recollection of what Hyde has done or said, that wants to be loved.

Until Hyde rears his head again.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: 10 Strategies to Use When Ending a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist and Will a Covert Narcissist Become More Abusive Over Time?

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