Summary

Covert narcissists tend to increase their abusive behavior over time as their need for narcissistic supply grows and their partner's perception of them shifts from idealization to a more realistic view, leading to devaluation and attempts to regain control through abuse.

Abstract

The article discusses the escalation of abuse in relationships with covert narcissists. Initially, a covert narcissist may seem charming and idealize their partner, but over time, their abusive tactics intensify. This shift occurs as the narcissist's need for narcissistic supply—attention and admiration that feeds their ego—grows, and they perceive their partner's realistic assessment of their behavior as a threat to their false self. The partner's attempts to hold the narcissist accountable and the narcissist's fear of exposure lead to a cycle of devaluation and abuse, including sabotage, gaslighting, and other manipulative behaviors. The narcissist's fear of being seen for who they truly are drives them to further devalue their partner to protect their fragile self-esteem and maintain a sense of superiority.

Opinions

The author suggests that covert narcissists become more abusive over time, as their need for narcissistic supply intensifies and their partner's adoration diminishes.
It is implied that the initial idealization phase in a relationship with a covert narcissist is a facade that cannot be sustained, leading to disillusionment and increased abuse.
The article posits that a covert narcissist's perception of their partner's success and accountability as threats to their own self-image, which fuels their abusive behavior.
The author believes that the covert narcissist's fear of being exposed and their need to feel superior are key drivers in the escalation of abuse.
The article indicates that the abuse will continue until the partner ends the relationship, as the narcissist will not cease their harmful behaviors on their own.
The author, Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, presents herself as an expert in trauma and covert narcissistic abuse, offering a guide and services to help women recover from such relationships.

Will a Covert Narcissist Become More Abusive Over Time?

Unlike a good wine, they do not mellow with age

You’ve noticed it haven’t you?

Things didn’t seem this bad in the beginning.

Maybe it was being swept up in their love bombing. Maybe it was your blinders that prevented you from seeing the truth. But something has changed, and it hasn’t changed for the better.

Why are you experiencing more abuse?

Covert narcissists ramp up their abuse over time.

Covert narcissists are driven by

The need to obtain narcissistic supply
The need to preserve their persona, their false self and the reality it has created

You’d think they’d be relieved when they find a partner — and they are at first.

You are everything in a top flying monkey and source of supply they want and need.

Your rose-colored glasses come off

But eventually you see things more clearly. You realize the covert narcissist isn’t perfect. You call them out on their behavior. You ask them to be accountable.

Now you are no longer who they thought you were. In their eyes, you’ve betrayed them. You see them as someone who lies, triangulates, and blames, rather than someone who is self-responsible.

They are outraged. They cannot believe you see them that way.

You’re going down

Narcissists use pathological behaviors of grandiosity and attention-seeking to obtain narcissistic supply.

In the beginning, their grandiose needs were achieved just by being with you. You elevated their status.

Now that they see who you really are (through their disordered lens), being with you doesn’t really stroke their ego anymore.

In fact, they’re tired of you thinking you’re better than them. You’ve never said it, but they “know” you’re thinking it. They’re tired of you making more money, having more connections, being the perfect parent, and achieving one success after the next.

They’re tired of you calling out their behavior, even in the kindest way, which makes them feel more shame — shame they’re desperately trying to avoid.

They choose to fuel their grandiosity by devaluing you, making you less than. In this way, they feel better.

It’s like a teeter-totter. They go up. You go down.

For good or for bad, they will be relevant

The covert narcissist shifts the way they get attention, as well.

In the beginning, they got positive attention from you during the love bombing phase. They also got positive attention from those around them just for being with you.

The positive attention from others has worn off over time. Their family and friends raved about how lucky they were to find amazing you in the beginning, but they sure aren’t doing that several years later.

Your attention has shifted from positive to negative as more and more, you are hurt by and ask them to change their behavior.

Now it’s easier to get negative attention through tactics such as:

Sabotage
Weaponized incompetence
Put-downs
Gaslighting
Or any other means of devaluation

Your irksome desire to understand

The more your cognitive dissonance grows, the more you try to make sense of things. This is not the person you met, the person you married.

Why would they sabotage income you both enjoy?
Why would they ruin your clothes, when the money spent replacing them could have been spent on something else?
Why would they make up a conflict between you and your sister?
Why would they lie when you told them you will leave if it happens again?

It simply doesn’t make sense. You ask more questions. You push back on their memories, their reality. You listen to them and wonder, “Which part of this story is a lie?”

And with every question, every mirror reflection of their true self, they grow more and more fearful of you.

The covert narcissist will continue to escalate the abuse to gain more and more supply. It’s sort of like developing a tolerance to alcohol. It takes more and more devaluation to ease their shame and soothe their fear.

And the abuse won’t stop until you end it.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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