How Does a Narcissist React When They Realize You’re Now Joyfully Indifferent?
Once you’re aware of the variables, it’s really quite predictable.
A narcissist’s reaction to your indifference depends on a variety of factors:
- The type of narcissist
- The narcissist’s need for narcissistic supply
- The narcissist’s lack of object constancy and whether you are currently “all good” or “all bad”
While the type of narcissist doesn’t tend to change, their need for narcissistic supply and your status as “all good” or “all bad” is quite fluid. The narcissist you know will slip and slide between the following categories.
Overt narcissist with abundant narcissistic supply who believes you are “all good”
This narcissist is not desperate for narcissistic supply. They won’t take radical action.
They do see your value and want to benefit from it — your ideas, advice, connections. And they see you as a valuable backup source of narcissistic supply, should they need it in the future.
This narcissist may also really enjoy the challenge of getting your attention again. Being of value, you’re worthy of their time and effort.
They may…
- Send you innocuous texts
- Suggest you be friends
- Seek your advice and counsel
- Pass along business intel or opportunities
This is classic love bombing/idealization — just not for a romantic purpose.
Overt narcissist with abundant narcissistic supply elsewhere who believes you are “all bad”
This narcissist is not going to think much about you at all.
They may think you’re a fool for not caring about them or wanting to be with them, but they also think you’re weak, pathetic, and/or crazy, and think they dodged a bullet by ending the relationship.
You can expect either no reaction or devaluing comments to their friends.
- I sure dodged a bullet with her.
- His new girlfriend has no idea what’s coming.
- She’s crazy enough to think her life is better.
Overt narcissist seeking narcissistic supply who believes you are “all good”
This narcissist is more volatile and extreme in their actions.
They need narcissistic supply fast. They see you as a valuable source. They want it now.
This narcissist will…
- Send you flowers
- Frequent your favorite hangouts hoping for a conversation
- Reach out to your friends and family
- Speak fondly of the good times
- Communicate the message far and wide that they miss you, they’ve changed, and they want you back.
This is very classic hoovering.
Overt narcissist seeking narcissistic supply who believes you are “all bad”
This narcissist is also more volatile. They have insufficient narcissistic supply to regulate their self-esteem and emotions. Your indifference causes them narcissistic injury.
Because they believe you are “all bad” they will seek to fill their supply need by devaluing you. They will…
- Send cruel emails or texts
- Be emotionally/physically/verbally abusive
- Stonewall you (when you’re resolving a legal matter)
- Turn your kids or others you love against you
- Work to get you fired
- Smear you to their flying monkeys
Covert narcissist with abundant narcissistic supply who believes you are “all good”
This narcissist sees your value and wants you as a high-ranking flying monkey. They know you, as a former partner, carry a lot of clout in reinforcing their made-up version of reality.
They will react by continuing to engage you as a friend, confidant, or as wise counsel. They will be friendly, charming, and likable to you.
They will drop comments to devalue their new partner…
- He got me a gift certificate for my birthday to his favorite restaurant. There’s nothing I like there, but hey, it’s free food.
- She favors her kids over ours, but what can you expect?
- I don’t really like the new color, but it’s what he wanted.
Covert narcissist with abundant narcissistic supply elsewhere who believes you are “all bad”
This narcissist is not motivated by narcissistic supply. They are instead motivated by preserving their false persona and made-up version of reality. While this motivation is strong, their abundant supply is regulating their emotions and actions.
They will react with a “soft smear,” saying offhandedly to closest friends…
- I’m glad she finally found someone who makes her happy. It certainly was never me.
- See? I told you he never cared.
- It doesn’t surprise me she’s moved on. She always was rather cold.
Covert narcissist seeking narcissistic supply who believes you are “all good”
This narcissist needs narcissistic supply and needs to preserve their idealized self and version of reality. They believe you are just the person for the job. You’ve provided those things for them before.
They see your value and want to either rekindle a relationship (if their mask never slipped) or promote you immediately to top flying monkey while benefiting from your wisdom, advice, and attention.
How are they going to pull it off? Not only will they be friendly, charming, and likable, they will be overly complimentary and helpful. They may…
- Offer to take a task off your plate (mowing your lawn, picking up kids, cleaning out your garage), then follow-through and do it well
- Bring you a thoughtful gift
- Volunteer at a charity you support
- Compliment your parenting, wisdom, creativity, or work success
Covert narcissist seeking narcissistic supply who believes you are “all bad”
This narcissist is most desperate of all and is jonesing for supply.
They’re not terribly successful or flashy and don’t have a way to cultivate praise, admiration, respect, or validation from someone new on little notice. They must resort to negative attention, devaluation, and if possible, validation from their flying monkeys.
Because their mask slipped or you pulled it off and caused severe narcissistic injury, you are solidly in the “all bad” camp. You’ve seen the truth and must be neutralized as a threat.
This narcissist will…
- Start an argument
- Be verbally/physically/emotionally abusive
- Seek to destroy things that are important to you — including other relationships
- Smear you on a large scale
Final Thoughts
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic and unpredictable thinking or behavior, yet when you attune to these variables, you realize the narcissist’s behavior is entirely predictable.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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