Why Does a Narcissist Discard You Then Try to Hoover You Back?
To a neurotypical person, it just doesn’t make any sense
There are so many aspects of the narcissist’s mind and disorder at play here.
Narcissists are driven by two things.
- Narcissistic supply
- Preservation of their idealized, false self and their made-up version of reality
Narcissists get supply in two ways.
- Ingratiation — praise, admiration, respect, validation, attention, relevance
- Grandiosity — devaluing others
Narcissists are deficient or entirely lacking in empathy. They see others as objects, not people who have feelings, fears, pain, hopes, or dreams.
Narcissists also lack object constancy. This means they flip-flop from seeing someone (or themselves) as “all good” to “all bad” very quickly. They are unable to hold the idea that someone could be both at the same time.
The typical pattern with an overt narcissist is idealization (love bombing), devaluation, discard, hoover, repeat.
Because of their lack of object constancy, they can be in two stages at the same time. For example, they can sabotage you (devalue), then invite you to dinner and tell you how important you are to them (idealization/love bomb).
The typical pattern with a covert narcissist is similar, except once you’ve seen them without their mask and a discard has been initiated, it’s unlikely they’ll try to hoover you. Once they know you know who they are, they do not wish to risk exposure again.
So why does a narcissist discard?
A narcissist will discard you, the object of their recent relationship, for one of two reasons.
#1 To Punish You
- To cause you significant distress and pain
- To get you to devalue yourself by begging them to come back putting them in a position of power and control
- To get you to take responsibility for their actions or eliminate the need for their accountability
In this instance, once you’ve been sufficiently punished and devalued, they will hoover you back, creating a pattern of intermittent reinforcement that strengthens your trauma bond.
The next time they discard you, it will be even more brutal.
#2 Because they’ve found a new source of supply
They believe this new source will give them more or higher quality narcissistic supply for less effort.
Because narcissistic supply is like water to them — they must have it — they’ve already secured a source of supply before your discard. Heck, they have several sources of narcissistic supply — they have all along.
Your devaluation continues
Even after the discard, the narcissist continues to devalue and receive a narcissistic supply from you.
Every time you call, text, like their post on social media, talk about them with a friend, ask for personal items back, or ask for closure, you devalue yourself in their mind.
This fuels both their attention-seeking and grandiose aspects of their nature.
You make them relevant.
The switch flips
Eventually, you start to forget about them, become indifferent, and move on.
At that point, they no longer receive supply from you. You are suddenly higher value.
They’ve also started devaluing their new source of supply and no longer see that person as “all good.”
You shift from “all bad” to “all good.” They want to keep you as a back-up source of supply. They may even want to shift you into a higher position in their supply hierarchy.
Now they will hoover — in an attempt to regain relevance and narcissistic supply they’ve lost.
But it won’t last long. If you open that door, you’re inviting them in to punish and devalue you once again, repeating the pattern.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Does the Narcissist Hope to Hear from You After the Discard? and Is a Narcissist Addicted to You Even After Their Shameless Discard?
