Is a Narcissist Addicted to You Even After Their Shameless Discard?
Why won’t they just let you go?
Your narcissist ex betrayed you, discarded you in a brutal way, and now they’ve found someone new.
It hurts to know you were so easily and quickly replaced.
Yet, the narcissist reaches out to you, connects regularly.
You wonder why.
Sure, you’re thinking about them, wondering what went wrong, wondering what you could’ve done differently, wondering if they’re definitely a narcissist, wondering if they have changed for their new source of supply.
You wonder if they’re thinking about you, too, missing what you once had, wondering if the door is open for a reconciliation.
You’ve thought at times that you’re addicted to them. Now you wonder if they are addicted to you. It seems they just can’t stay away.
The narcissist’s addiction
The narcissist is not addicted to you as a person. To them you are an object.
The narcissist has disordered thinking and behavior that meets their subconscious need for narcissistic supply and preservation of their idealized self.
They REQUIRE both.
But where does disorder become addiction?
An addiction typically has 4 characteristics
- Chronic, relapsing disorder
- Compulsive seeking of the object of addiction
- Continued use of that object regardless of negative consequences
- Long-lasting changes in the brain
One could say the narcissist is addicted to both narcissistic supply and preservation of their persona/idealized self, because those 4 criteria are met for both.
They are not addicted to you. That would be like a heroin addict being addicted to their dealer. They are addicted to what you provide.
Even though the narcissist now has a new source of supply, they may struggle to let go of you.
Why?
The narcissist lives in constant fear — terrified of not having “enough,” though they’re not consciously aware. They have backup upon backup upon backup of narcissistic supply. They also surround themselves with people who believe their idealized self is real.
These needs are as strong to them as the need for oxygen.
They believe you can provide for them and meet these needs again.
Are you the answer to the narcissist’s prayer?
“But why me?” you ask.
It’s not because you are so amazing, attractive, smart, successful, or loving — though you are all those things.
Maybe it’s because you’ve been an excellent source of supply before. You are well trained. You were groomed to take the blame for their shortcomings and cruelty. You were trained to look the other way when they are hurtful. You were taught to devalue yourself for their benefit.
With you, the heavy lifting has been done. They believe they can count on you to do it for them moving forward.
But that’s not why they won’t let go either. That’s just the cherry on top.
They won’t let go of you for one reason only.
The reason the narcissist won’t let you go
It’s because you haven’t let go of them.
The narcissist is in your head. You still feel trauma-bonded to them, maybe even addicted to them or to the relationship (though this is not a true addiction).
This makes you an excellent potential source of supply.
If you move on and truly become indifferent, you become a terrible source of supply.
Only then will they let you go.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Does the Narcissist Hope to Hear from You After the Discard? and How Do You Know if a Narcissist is Gone for Good?
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