The Completely Unexpected Way a Narcissist Shows You They Want You Back
When you’re no longer confused, you’re no longer destabilized
You’re kind of hanging out in limbo — waiting.
You’ve been discarded.
You know your ex is a narcissist. You’ve spent hours online — reading and watching videos.
You know the relationship was sucking the life right out of you.
And yet you also feel like they were the most exciting partner you’ve ever had. In the beginning, the relationship felt too good to be true. You felt like the luckiest person in the world.
Even more than that, you felt alive and exhilarated — like when driving too fast as a teenager.
Now you’re afraid to move on — wondering when they’ll come back, wondering if you’ll say “yes” when they do, wondering if you’ll finally have that romance novel relationship.
The narcissist’s concept of “you”
The harsh reality is the narcissist will never want “you” back. They never wanted “you” in the first place.
To the narcissist, you do not exist as a person — someone with hopes, dreams, desires, and needs. You are seen as an object, a provider of resources, a source of narcissistic supply.
The narcissist wants you back when you have something they want.
Maybe it’s
- A business connection
- Financial resources
- A skill you have in solving their problem
- Slave labor — cooking, cleaning, chores, errands, and other support
Maybe it’s purely a desire for narcissistic supply.
- Do you allow them to control you?
- Do you give them what they want and turn your back on yourself?
- Do you cry, beg, and plead, thus boosting their status?
- Do you otherwise devalue yourself for their benefit?
So how do you know when the narcissist wants narcissistic supply from you?
- They text you “Happy Birthday”
- They DM you a joke you’d find funny or a great performance from The Voice
- They reach out to see if they left something at your place
If you respond positively, they will reach out more intently.
- Telling you they miss you
- Sending a pic of the two of you together from a special occasion
- Reaching out to say they’re thinking about you
If you continue to respond positively, they will become more direct.
The entirely unexpected way they communicate they want to ensnare you again
The narcissist
- Lashes out
- Accuses you of something
- Provokes an argument
This is intended to trigger a response. They have your full attention.
You fall into old patterns of
- Apologizing
- Defending yourself
- Verbally fighting back
You are no longer indifferent. This interaction has reinforced your trauma bond.
Whether you are passionately angry or passionately in love, you provide a tremendous amount of narcissistic supply — and there is a very fine line between love and hate.
Triggering passion allows them to flip the switch.
Disconnecting the switch
When I was in grade school, I assumed I would marry someone from my class, someone I already knew.
I’m guessing this is a pretty common phenomena, because my children did, too.
But once I grew older, I realized there were 8 billion people in this world. The more I explored new places and new experiences, the more people I got to know.
I realized the right person for me may be someone I was yet to meet.
Expanding this viewpoint opened up a lot of possibilities.
I understand the desire to know if and when the narcissist wants you back — AND it’s based on the assumption that you will be in a future relationship with someone you already know.
Not only that, it puts the other person, the narcissist, in the driver’s seat, as if you have no control over your own relationships.
This is the furthest thing from the truth.
- You get to choose who you want to be with.
- You determine how you are treated based on how you allow others to treat you.
- You choose whether to engage or walk away.
When you step outside the third-grade classroom, you realize you have so many better options.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: How Do You Teach a Covert Narcissist to Treat You Like a Human? and Does the Narcissist Hope to Hear From You After the Discard?
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