Summary

The article discusses the challenges of teaching a covert narcissist to respect personal boundaries and treat others humanely, emphasizing the importance of enforcing consequences for harmful behavior.

Abstract

The author shares personal insights into the difficulty of changing a covert narcissist's behavior, despite repeated attempts to set boundaries and address hurtful actions. The article highlights the cycle of a narcissist violating boundaries, the ineffectiveness of verbal confrontations, and the necessity of enforcing consequences. Using the metaphor of a child's tantrum for a cookie, the author illustrates how giving in to bad behavior reinforces it. The narrative includes personal anecdotes about financial irresponsibility and the eventual realization that tolerating such behavior only perpetuates the cycle of abuse. The author concludes with the importance of action over words in teaching people how to treat you, and the personal growth achieved by no longer tolerating the narcissist's actions.

Opinions

The author expresses frustration with the advice received from therapists, feeling that it did not acknowledge the complexity of dealing with a narcissist.
There is a strong opinion that actions speak louder than words when it comes to setting boundaries with a narcissist.
The author believes that making excuses for a narcissist's behavior and not enforcing consequences teaches them that such behavior is acceptable.
The article suggests that financial control mechanisms, such as sealing a credit card in an envelope, are ineffective without the narcissist's genuine commitment to change.
The author emphasizes personal responsibility in breaking the cycle of abuse by not tolerating harmful behavior, even when it seems intolerable.
The author advocates for the importance of enforcing boundaries consistently to change the dynamic in a relationship with a narcissist.

How Do You Teach a Covert Narcissist to Treat You Like a Human?

Let’s just say it’s harder than trying to teach an old dog new tricks.

You’ve heard the expression, “You teach people how to treat you.”

But how do you do that with a narcissist?

You set a boundary. They violate it.

You tell them their behavior is hurtful. They do it again anyway.

Those darned therapists

I remember sitting in a therapist’s office, desperate for help, and hearing, “Why would the behavior change? You are tolerating it.”

Okay, more than one therapist told me that. It made me so angry.

I felt like I was not tolerating it — the lying, deception, blaming, projection, gaslighting, and endless sabotage. I hated it. I wasn’t burying my head in the sand to avoid conflict. I addressed it each and every time. I tried different strategies. Nothing worked.

How many chocolate cream pies can you tolerate?

One of the issues I was told I was tolerating was the spending of family money. He overspent the budget every month, sometimes by thousands of dollars. Oddly, this money was spent at the grocery store. Let’s just say there were a lot of chocolate cream pies purchased.

Because I was the sole supporter of our family, this put a lot of stress and strain on me.

Each month, we’d sit down and talk about this for hours. We crafted numerous strategies.

Opening his own checking account funded with the amount available to spend each month.
Gift cards to the grocery store (to be used in place of the credit card)
Cash for groceries weekly (also to be used instead of credit)

He’d run out of money and tell me he needed more, “What are you going to do? The kids have to eat.”

Both of us dreaded the day the credit card bill arrived. Me, because it was always higher than I expected, and I had to pick up extra shifts to pay the bill. Him, because it always resulted in a lengthy discussion about how this couldn’t continue.

The answer was always the same, “There’s nothing I can do about the past. I’ll do better next month.”

I remember when we thought we’d found the solution. I didn’t feel it was safe for him to not have a credit card in case there was an emergency, yet the credit card seemed to be the problem. We sealed his credit card in an envelope, and he had me sign my name over the seal, before putting it in his glove box.

I was so excited to open that next credit card bill. Imagine my surprise when it was outrageous –again. After a period of time, he admitted to steaming the envelope open, using the card all month, then putting it back.

I was distraught.

This conversation was had hundreds of times during our relationship. It didn’t matter how much angst I expressed. Supporting a family of seven was hard while being a good mom. I didn’t want to have to pick up urgent care shifts to cover budget overruns every month. That took away from my time with the kids.

Despite my pleas, his response was always, “You can make more.”

You know what happens when you give a toddler a cookie?

Have you ever experienced your 2-year-old begging for a cookie? They want the cookie, ask nicely, and are told no. They ask again — and again. They start crying, begging, eventually screaming and wailing. The tantrum goes on for seemingly hours.

What happens if you give in and give them a cookie after a 45-minute tantrum? They stop crying. And, more importantly, you’ve taught them a 45-minute tantrum works. Next time, they’ll hold out longer, if need be.

You teach people how to treat you by setting and enforcing your boundaries.

Your actions speak louder than your words.

You say: I will not be with someone who lies to me.

The narcissist lies to you.

Your ACTION here speaks volumes.

Do you leave?

Or do you make excuses?

Scolding
Nagging
Endless discussions about your feelings

You say: I will not be with someone who puts me down.

The narcissist puts you down.

Do you leave?

Or do you make excuses to stay?

They were just joking.
Maybe I am too sensitive.
I guess red is not a good color on me.

You say: I will not stay with someone who cheats on me.

The narcissist cheats.

Do you leave?

Or do you make excuses to stay?

I can’t prove the cheating.
They say she borrowed their coat because she was cold. That’s how it got lipstick on it.
She feels so badly and promised it won’t happen again.

When you make excuses to stay and compromise your own boundaries, you’ve taught them to compromise your boundaries, as well.

The end of the story

Eventually, I realized I was breaking down and giving the toddler the cookie. Every time I covered the budget overrun, I tolerated it. It felt intolerable, but the reality is, I tolerated it. I taught him the only consequence was me being upset. Turns out that wasn’t really a consequence. It was a great source of supply.

After we separated for other reasons, we still had shared money for more than a year. His therapist advised him to turn over all credit and debit cards to me, then have me give him a set amount of money each week. In addition, I was to pay his medical bills and go with him to the gas station to pay for his gas.

For the first time in 20 years, the spending was predictable. For the first time in 20 years, I’d set and enforced that boundary.

For the first time in 20 years, I had stopped tolerating.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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