Summary

Narcissists may not understand or respect the reasons behind someone choosing to go no contact with them, often viewing it as a game or a reflection of the other person's issues.

Abstract

The article discusses how narcissists perceive and react to someone choosing to go no contact with them. It explains that narcissists may view no contact as either playing hard to get or a sign of the other person's problems. The article further explores the different reactions of overt and covert narcissists to no contact, highlighting their lack of empathy and object constancy. It suggests that even if a narcissist understands why someone has gone no contact, they may not care, as they often see others as objects rather than people.

Opinions

Narcissists may not understand the concept of no contact or believe that someone would choose to go no contact with them.
Overt narcissists may not think about someone who has gone no contact, especially if they have moved on to a new source of supply.
If a narcissist notices someone's no contact, they may see it as playing hard to get or a sign of the other person's craziness.
Narcissists may go to great lengths to contact someone who has gone no contact, including reaching out to their friends, family, or frequenting their hangouts.
Narcissists may try to hoover someone back into their life if they see them as a worthy prey playing hard to get.
Covert narcissists may use someone going no contact as an opportunity to gain narcissistic supply from their flying monkeys.
Narcissists lack the ability to understand their actions, empathize with others, or see others as whole people, which contributes to their inability to understand why someone would go no contact with them.

Do Narcissists Understand Why You Choose to Be No Contact?

Why can’t they just let go and move on?

Does a narcissist understand what no contact is? Maybe.

Does a narcissist think you would go no contact with them? Not likely.

Does a narcissist think anyone would find their behavior warranted it? No.

Let’s look at this from the narcissist’s point of view.

Your choice to stop all contact with them means one of two things.

You’re playing hard to get and want them to chase you.
Something is wrong with you.

That’s if they notice.

No contact with an overt narcissist

If an overt narcissist discarded you and moved on to someone else, they’re not even thinking about you.

They’re busy idealizing the person they left you for or the secondary or tertiary supply they upgraded when you left.

While they are idealizing someone else, they see that person as “all good.” You, being the former partner (and former for a reason), are “all bad.”

Over time, once the narcissist’s idealization of their new source of supply wears off, they start to flip-flop in the way they see that person — sometimes “all good” and sometimes “all bad.”

Now, suddenly you’re “all good” and they want you as a backup source of narcissistic supply — maybe even the primary source. They’ll start to hoover.

The narcissist has noticed your no contact

At this point they either see you as playing hard to get or crazy.

If you’ve blocked them on all devices, they’ll pull out all the stops to get to you.

Contacting your friends
Reaching out to your family
Stopping by your work
Frequenting your typical hangouts
Creating new social media accounts to connect with you
Sending you flowers
Moving into your neighborhood — or apartment building

Each time the narcissist is rejected in that their efforts fail, you become “all bad” in their mind. If you’re energetically sensitive, you may feel their venom, their rage. “How dare you reject me?” they seethe.

They quickly flip between rage and the love of the game. They want to win. They love that you’re a worthy adversary. It’s like hunting big game. In that moment, you’ve become “all good” again.

The narcissist doesn’t think about why you’ve chosen no contact. They think about how they will win this game, how they will beat you.

What the narcissist does when they win the game is another matter

If the narcissist feels you’re a worthy prey playing hard to get, they may try to hoover you to become a source of narcissistic supply again — giving them attention, validation, admiration, and relevance.

If the narcissist feels you’re crazy for rejecting their communication efforts, they may choose to reel you back in and then punish and devalue you for an equally powerful dose of narcissistic supply.

Even if you remain no contact, if you’re not truly indifferent, they will still get narcissistic supply. They’re in your head. They’ve become relevant.

A covert narcissist takes this a step further

The covert narcissist gets the majority of their narcissistic supply from their flying monkeys. They will use you going no contact as an opportunity to soak up tons of supply.

I just don’t know why she won’t talk to me. It’s like she doesn’t care at all.
What did I ever do to him? It’s like he thinks I’m the worst person on the planet.
I just wanted to check in and be sure she’s okay. We were together a long time.

The narcissist has NO IDEA why you’ve really gone no contact

They do not have the ability to understand their actions — even if you’ve explicitly told them.

They lack empathy to understand how they hurt you.

They lack object constancy to see you as a whole person, someone who can love them and also hurt them (by sharing your feelings).

And even if they did understand, they wouldn’t care. They’ve never seen you as more than an object.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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