4 Reasons Narcissists Keep Tabs on You After You Leave Them
Do they hope you’ll contact them?
Narcissists often watch you after you leave them for 4 predominant reasons.
#1 They want you as a backup source of narcissistic supply
Whether you chose to leave them, or they chose to leave you, you can be sure they have backup narcissistic supply, even if it’s their flying monkeys.
Narcissists like to have numerous sources of supply. After you leave, it’s a matter of shuffling. They have shifted someone to primary, moved another person to tertiary, and so on.
Staying connected, even from afar, makes it easier to hoover in the future when they want you as a source of supply again.
#2 They want to watch you suffer
This also gives the narcissist narcissistic supply. Even if you initiated the breakup, you may be struggling — tearful, moody, withdrawn. You may have trouble getting up for work in the morning, be falling behind on projects, or losing your cool out in public. You may look like you’re completely falling apart.
For some narcissists this reinforces their sense of importance and value. They love that you are struggling without them. After all, they think you deserve it.
For those that get significant supply by devaluing you, they may even use your moments of weakness to hoover you back in, only to discard and punish you.
#3 The narcissist sees you as an object — something they own
The narcissist doesn’t see anyone as a person, someone with feelings, hopes, and dreams. They see you and all others as objects.
The narcissist may still see you as their object, even if you’ve made it clear that you are done. When they watch you, in their mind, they are keeping tabs on their property.
#4 When a narcissist no longer controls you, they seek to control the way others see you.
This is all about damage control.
The narcissist fears exposure, exposure of their true self. Now that you’ve left, being both their primary source of narcissistic supply and their top flying monkey, they fear their made-up version of reality will topple like a house of cards.
How will others see their idealized self as real, how will they look perfect, if you’ve left?
You’ve become “all bad” in their mind. They want to know what you’re up to and what you’re saying about them. They look for ways to discredit you, to make you a liar, to smear you to others.
Does the narcissist hope for contact?
The narcissist may expect you to contact them, but they don’t “hope” you do.
Why do they expect it? Because this is what they’ve come to experience as “normal.”
They discard you or you discard them and after a period of days or weeks you get back together with an unrivaled passion and ferocity. Even if they haven’t had this experience with you, they’ve likely had it with someone else.
They also assume everyone wants to be with them, including you, and you’ll be back.
Why don’t they hope for contact? Because you were an object to them, a source of narcissistic supply. They’re getting supply elsewhere right now — from another object.
It was never about you.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Does the Narcissist Hope to Hear from You After the Discard? and Would a Narcissist Take Out Their Frustration on a New Source of Supply?
