Would a Narcissist Take Out Their Frustration on a New Source of Supply?
What to expect when the old source of supply shows indifference
The answer is entirely situational and dependent on three things.
- The stage of the new relationship
- The quality and amount of supply coming from the new relationship
- The narcissist’s current level of self-esteem
Stage
In the love bombing stage, the narcissist is generally putting their best foot forward. They will wait until the trauma bond is strong before taking anything out on a new source of supply.
Once in the devaluation stage, the new source of supply has taken on the role of punching bag and will be treated as if all of the narcissist’s perceived failures are their fault.
Quality and Amount of Supply
The narcissist subconsciously knows where their bread is buttered, so to speak. They will not threaten a current source of supply if they can’t afford to lose the supply.
The Narcissist’s Self-Esteem
The narcissist’s ability to regulate their emotions is directly related to their current level of self-esteem.
Scenarios
Suppose the narcissist discarded the old source of supply, is currently in the love bombing stage with the new source of supply, and the two of them run into the old source of supply at a festival.
- The old source of supply ignores the narcissist.
- The narcissist’s response is most likely some variation of, “Whatever.”
- The narcissist goes on to disparage that person to their new partner, which gives the narcissist additional narcissistic supply.
Suppose the old source of supply discarded the narcissist and appears happy and successful in life. The narcissist has struggled to find a high-quality source of narcissistic supply and is with someone they see as less than ideal. They moved to the devaluation stage quickly. The narcissist sees their new partner as better than nothing — barely. The new partner is emotionally dependent. The two of them run into the old source of supply at the same festival.
- The narcissist feels shame about being seen with their new partner.
- The old source of supply ignores the narcissist.
- The narcissist’s increased feeling of shame is excruciating and intolerable.
- The narcissist’s self-esteem falls to an all-time low.
- The narcissist loses all ability to regulate their emotions and takes out their fear and frustration on their new partner, devaluing that person to make themselves feel better
In every scenario, the narcissist will react in a way that maximizes their narcissistic supply.
Take responsibility for what is yours
AND, in every scenario the source of old supply and the source of new supply have complete control over how they allow themselves to be treated.
Whether you are the old or new source of narcissistic supply, you are not responsible for the narcissist’s behavior — only yours — just as other sources of supply are responsible for their own behavior.
If you are the old source of supply, have gone no contact, and ignore the narcissist, you are not responsible for the narcissist’s feelings of shame and plummeting self-esteem. The narcissist is.
You are also not responsible for the narcissist’s subsequent treatment of the new supply. You are responsible for taking care of you, just as the new source of supply is responsible for taking care of themselves.
I used to think this was selfish, like throwing the other person to the wolves. It’s not.
This is an important pattern to unhook, to break.
Take responsibility for what you can control and empower others do the same.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Do You Want to Finally Grasp the Secrets of Narcissistic Supply? and Why Do Narcissists Triangulate Their Exes with Their New Supply?
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