Why Do Narcissists Triangulate Their Ex’s with Their New Supply?

They get massive amounts of narcissistic supply with minimal effort.

Triangulating an ex with new supply is like hitting the jackpot of narcissistic supply.

Keep in mind, the narcissist requires narcissistic supply. It’s like blood to a vampire. They have to have it.

A narcissist receives narcissistic supply in two ways,

• Praise, admiration, respect, love, appreciation
• Devaluing others

They also are lazy and rather predictable. They will try to get supply in the easiest way possible.

So, what is triangulation? Triangulation is pitting one person against another, typically by telling both things that are untrue.

When a narcissist triangulates their ex with their new supply, there are several dynamics at play.

Imagine this scenario

A narcissist introduces his new girlfriend to his ex-wife. (Feel free to replace all genders in this scenario. Women can be narcissists, too.)

His new girlfriend notices she’s so sophisticated, successful, and smart. She wonders if his ex-wife couldn’t keep him, how she can. The narcissist tells her his ex-wife was too clingy, too needy, too jealous. Now his girlfriend feels really clingy, needy, and jealous — but also feels shame about that. She knows that’s not what he wants, so she gives him his freedom, doesn’t comment when he flirts with other women, and acts low maintenance.

His ex-wife notices the new girlfriend is about 20 years younger and beautiful. She hangs on his arm and dotes on every word. She laughs at every joke and ignores his wandering eye. He tells his ex-wife his new girlfriend isn’t very bright, but she’s a head-turner — and she’s great in bed.

The next week, he tells his girlfriend that he’s going to meet his ex-wife for coffee to discuss issues about their kids. He’s gone for hours. New girlfriend is incredibly nervous — and jealous, thinking, “Gosh, I don’t like her.”

He meets his ex-wife for coffee for about 15 minutes, then tells her his new girlfriend doesn’t like him talking to her and wants him to move into the future, rather than staying connected to his past. His ex-wife feels like, once again, she’s left to handle the kids’ problems herself, thinking, “Gosh, I don’t like her.”

He goes shopping for the remaining 3 hours.

So, what exactly happened here?

• The narcissist got admiration and respect from his new girlfriend when he introduced her to his ex-wife.
• He also felt his status increase when he noticed his ex-wife size her up.
• He devalued his ex-wife by inaccurately describing her as needy, clingy, and jealous. Even though she wasn’t present for that conversation, he devalued her in the eyes of his new girlfriend. This created the lens through which his new girlfriend now sees her.
• He devalued his new girlfriend, by increasing her shame and insecurity.
• He then used that insecurity to change her behavior, devaluing her further.
• His unspoken message to his ex-wife is that his new girlfriend is more beautiful and better in bed. This results in shame and feeling less than, devaluing her.
• He also has devalued his girlfriend by telling his ex-wife, his girlfriend is not very bright. He has created the lens for how his ex-wife now sees her.
• He knows his new girlfriend is jealous and trying to hide it, so he’s going to poke that bear, devaluing her further. He goes to meet his ex-wife.
• He doesn’t come home for hours, which he knows will make her more insecure. Again, devaluing.
• He meets his ex-wife only briefly without resolving the intended discussion. This devalues her.
• Then he comments on moving forward with his new girlfriend, leaving her in the past, devaluing her further.

Jackpot

For the narcissist, this is like pulling the handle once and winning the jackpot, except it doesn’t require luck. It was predictable.

The narcissist spent two minutes introducing the two of them. Then, spent one minute each making an off-handed comment. He then met his ex-wife for 15 minutes.

For a 19-minute investment, he got tons of narcissistic supply from two key sources. He also avoided responsibility for helping parent his children. And he ensured his new girlfriend will not express needs, set boundaries, or restrict his freedom.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: Covert Narcissists and Triangulation and How Do Narcissists Choose Their Supply?

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