Summary

Dr. Melissa Kalt provides guidance on setting healthy boundaries to protect one's physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being, particularly when dealing with narcissists.

Abstract

The article "How to Set Healthy Boundaries" by Dr. Melissa Kalt discusses the importance of establishing and maintaining personal boundaries, especially when interacting with narcissists who may ignore or violate them. Kalt shares personal anecdotes of boundary violations and emphasizes that it's not possible to expect others to respect boundaries that haven't been explicitly set. She outlines the challenges codependent individuals face in setting boundaries and provides a framework for determining appropriate boundaries using the five senses as a guide. The article also includes a list of example boundaries for different scenarios, stressing that while one can set boundaries, others have the free will to honor them or not. Kalt asserts that narcissists often require very clear and firm boundary-setting, which may seem harsh to neuro-typical individuals. The article concludes with a disclaimer about the informational nature of the content and invites readers to download a free guide and explore further resources.

Opinions

The author believes that boundary violations are often the result of unclear or non-existent boundary-setting by the individual, not just the violator's lack of awareness.
Kalt suggests that codependent individuals struggle with setting boundaries due to past experiences where their boundaries were not respected, leading to difficulty in knowing what boundaries are appropriate.
The author opines that boundaries are always appropriate if they do not harm others or infringe on their rights, and she differentiates between setting boundaries and being controlling.
She emphasizes that narcissists will often try to manipulate or confuse the situation regarding boundaries, and it's crucial to be direct and firm when setting them.
Kalt provides a list of specific boundaries for different senses and situations, advocating for the individual's right to assert these boundaries.
The author's perspective is

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

When the narcissist ignores them

No trespassing sign, Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash

I remember being so flabbergasted –often — by people violating my boundaries. Here I thought they were boundaries that should be obvious to the entire world, but again and again they were violated.

Here are a few favorite examples

At my father-in-law’s funeral a guest I’d never met asked me to look at her mole, because I was a doctor
An older woman once waited for 15 minutes after church while I tended to my five kids and talked to friends, only to ask me a medical question (we had never met, and I was not her doctor).
A neighbor rang my doorbell at 10 pm waking all five kids to ask for advice about a cough.
I was asked to get up at 4 am to take someone to the airport (before returning home to get five kids ready for school, then get myself to work), so they could save a few dollars on airport parking.

These intrusions seemed to me to be obvious violations of anyone’s boundaries. How did the boundary violator not KNOW?

I didn’t see this sort of thing happening to other people.

It really stumped me…for a long time.

Eventually I learned that I couldn’t hold others responsible for honoring my boundaries if I hadn’t set them. My lax boundary-setting was like a sign on my forehead saying, “Ask me anything.”

Setting healthy boundaries sounds good on paper

We all know that to be true. But for someone who is codependent, it’s agonizingly impossible.

What boundaries are appropriate?
What boundaries are too rigid?

For someone who has never had their boundaries respected, who has been criticized for setting them, it’s difficult to know.

As an aside, you know that’s why you have this problem, right? It’s not that something is inherently wrong with you. It’s that your boundaries have not been respected and you’ve learned to stop setting them.

It’s time to learn something new.

How to decide what boundaries are appropriate

Boundaries are ALWAYS appropriate regarding your physical/emotional/mental/spiritual being if they don’t harm another or infringe on their boundaries.

The easiest way to think about this is with the five senses. You have the right to set boundaries for everything you see, hear, taste, smell, and touch. Those are without question.

A narcissist or other toxic person will try to confuse you, to make it seem like you are trying to control them.

Here’s how to keep it straight. If you are telling someone what they may or may not do regarding you, it’s an appropriate boundary. If you are telling someone what to do regarding them, it’s controlling.

For example,

“Put me down,” is an appropriate boundary. You’re telling the other person what to do because what they are doing is impacting you.
“Put down your phone,” is not an appropriate boundary. They have the right to choose whether to hold their phone.
“I need you to look at me when we’re speaking,” (and not at your phone) is an appropriate boundary because it’s regarding how you wish to be treated.

Keep in mind, the other person is not required to honor this boundary. If they choose not to, it’s your choice whether you continue to engage. Both of you have free will.

Here’s another example.

“I will not discuss politics with you,” is an appropriate boundary. You are drawing a clear line regarding what you will not discuss.
A narcissist will respond, “You’re so controlling. Why do you get to decide what we talk about?”

The narcissist is wrong. It would be controlling if you told the narcissist they could not discuss politics with anyone. It’s entirely in your right to say you will not discuss politics— that’s about you.

When a boundary is violated, you can restate it, leave the situation, or engage help. For example, in the case of assault, you notify the police.

With a narcissist, you need to set boundaries for things that seem obvious. You also need to set them directly and firmly, in a way that might seem harsh to a neuro-typical person.

Memorize this boundary list

Touch

Keep your hands off me.
Do not tickle me.
Do not pick me up.
Take your hand off my butt

Sight

Do not send me political emails
I won’t watch violent movies with you
Keep your shirt on
Do not text me nudes

Hearing

Do not comment on my body
Do not talk about me with so and so
Do not gossip to me about so and so
I will not collude with you
Do not lie to me
Do not try to confuse me. I recognize gaslighting
Do not minimize what I am saying
Do not blame me for your errors
Do not put me down. It’s not a joke or a tease
Just a minute
Give me a second
I can’t talk right now
Don’t text/call between 10 pm and 7 am
I need to stop talking about this
I’ll follow-up with you later
Don’t call me
That’s the end of this discussion

The last one will put a narcissist over the edge. THEY decide when a conversation or discussion ends, and it ends with them winning.

Taste

No, thank you (when offered something you don’t want to eat or drink)
That’s too spicy for me
I will only eat a bite. It’s too sweet
I don’t want to eat pizza again
I don’t eat turmeric. It gives me explosive diarrhea

Smell

No smoking in my car
I can’t be around the smell of fish
I avoid artificial fragrances

Personal Space

Back up. I need some space
Do not look over my shoulder
Give me some air

Personal Possessions

Do not touch my things
Do not go through my purse
Do not sit at my desk
Do not go through my mail
Do not go on my computer
Do not answer my phone
Do not take my clothes/car/other object without permission

When in doubt, go with NO

Do you want to go out Friday? No
Do you want another drink? No
Do you want to partner on this project? No

No is a complete sentence and an entirely appropriate boundary.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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