How to Repel a Covert Narcissist
Are you using both strategies in synergy?
I was recently asked, “how do you make a covert narcissist avoid you like the plague?” I get it. You don’t want to experience the torture of a narcissistic relationship ever again.
I know I don’t.
And I learned that using two distinct strategies together is key. The sum is more than its parts.
But first, let me reframe this question, asking instead, How do you repel a covert narcissist?
Why the reframe? Because we can’t control what others do, only what we do. This slightly modified question is empowering. It puts you in the driver’s seat.
Next, let’s consider why a covert narcissist would approach you in the first place.
- They want narcissistic supply from you.
- They want to look good in front of others (thus getting supply from them).
There are TWO ways to make yourself repulsive to a covert narcissist and both are equally important. They work together.
1. Indifference: Indifference is the ultimate form of emotional neutrality. You see the covert narcissist like a little gnat, a nuisance. They do not affect you. You do not become angry, afraid, annoyed, or any other emotion. Your internal response is pure indifference.
- You run into the covert narcissist at the store — whatever
- The covert narcissist happens to be at a friend’s party — you don’t notice
- The covert narcissist stops by your work — oh, you’re here?
2. You call out their behavior, preferably in front of others: The indifference is key here. You don’t put on a big show, calling them out for all to see. That gives them a ton of supply. No, make a matter-of-fact statement without any energetic charge.
Picture a grocery store clerk asked where the taco sauce is — “It’s in aisle 10,” without even lifting their head.
- The covert narcissist, in the store with friends, acts like they’re afraid you’ll accost them saying, “Please, I don’t want any trouble.” You respond, “that’s playing the victim and it doesn’t work on me.”
- The covert narcissist says, “Why are you stalking me? I just wanted a night out with friends.” Your response? “That’s called projection. It doesn’t work on me.” Then walk away thinking, “shoo little gnat.”
- The covert narcissist says in front of your co-workers, “I really miss you. I was hoping we could talk.” You respond, “That’s a great example of manipulation. It no longer works on me.” Then go back to working.
Those observing these interactions may feel you’re horrible and insensitive. They would have felt that way no matter how you responded. They see you through the lens a covert narcissist created for them.
On the other hand, they may have their own aha moment. Wait? “Are they playing the victim?” “Oh, that does sound like manipulation.”
Using these two strategies, you’ve ruined all the covert narcissist’s fun. By being indifferent, the covert narcissist has not received any supply from you. By calling out their behavior, they are less likely to receive supply from those around them.
Covert narcissists are inherently lazy. They want one thing — supply. When you don’t give it to them and you take away their chances of getting it from others, they want to stay far, far away.
Best repellant ever.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: What is it like being in a long-term relationship with a narcissist? and 8 Ways Covert Narcissists Mess with Your Head.
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